That Friday Feeling

Greetings my little band of loyal, yet slightly daft followers. Welcome to Friday evening.

My plan is to get myself on the outside of a nice portion of fish and chips, a glass or two of red wine and then relax in front of a roaring fire.

It's been a long day at the office and for once I have decided to share a few thoughts about my very serious work so please don't read this if you're expecting silly jokes and buggering about, this blog entry is about life and death.

One of the funerals I officiated at today was for a very popular man, his name is Malc, and there must have been 500 people in attendance. His son, his brother, his best friend and his wife all stood up and spoke about their loss and as I witnessed their very personal and emotional tributes I was reminded that love is a fantastic resource from which we can draw great strength.

Malc was a great believer in positivity - he believed that taking control of that part of life over which we have some dominion, is extremely important. His efforts paid off and this was certainly one of those occasions when we celebrated not just a life but an attitude to life.

When you get to assist a family with the creation and delivery of such a powerful and life affirming ceremony, you do feel a little bit better about yourself. You know that you are doing something useful with your time and the meagre talents you have acquired. (False modesty is a talent I have perfected.)

The world is a poorer place because cancer claimed  Malc at the age of 55. He was an inspiring character but his immortality is secure in all the good he did for others and the wonderful loving family he leaves behind.

As I waited to begin that ceremony, I was able to witness the ceremony that preceded us. It too was being led by a celebrant...no names for reasons that will become apparent.

Now, I think we all know by now that I am secure in my belief that god and heaven and all that malarky is a fairy tale. The ceremonies I offer, however, do not dwell on philosophical arguments  about faith and religion because I do not see it as my job to tell people what to think or believe.

There will always be people with varying views on life and death sat in front of me and I always try and make sure they are given a chance to express this in someway even if it only be via a moment of silent reflection when people can lower their heads and pray.

If a family ask me to include the Lord's Prayer, I will include it but only after making them aware that I do not believe the words have any power. For example, let me quote you a section from a funeral I conducted today...

"When asked about religion he said he had none - but as a caring son we feel he would not object to the inclusion of the Lords Prayer,  as he would know it brings great comfort to his 89 year old mother"

This is how I can feel comfortable including a religious aspect into a non religious ceremony. It's my way and I don't object to other celebrants/officiants finding a different way. (That's a lie as you will find out now).

Anyway, back to the ceremony I witnessed earlier today. I heard the officiant speak for the final fifteen minutes of his allotted time and during that time (half of the time we have available to us) he mentioned the name of the deceased just once.

The rest of the time he spoke about himself, his own beliefs, his own hopes for an afterlife...it was in fact a sermon. He actually said at one point how ridiculous it is to think that there is no afterlife - 'how can anyone believe that when we die it all just ends' or words to that effect. He then admitted that although he knew the man who had died was not religious, it was basically his hope that he find peace with the Lord. 

It made me feel very uncomfortable listening to a man who claims to deliver non religious ceremonies proselytising and then putting his own beliefs before those of the deceased. 

As a funeral officiant or celebrant I believe my job is to serve the family and the memory of the deceased. It is not my job to provide the mourners with anything other than a chance to remember, reflect and celebrate the unique nature of a human life. I have nothing to sell and I certainly would never dream of standing up and saying anyone who believes in god is wrong...well not at a funeral anyway.

I am a Humanist, I sometimes do get a chance to explain  what that means to me after a ceremony ends. People sometimes get confused though and often I get referred to as a Humorist but today after a funeral a man said to me "that's the first one of those funerals I've been too - you're a Hypnotist aren't you?"

I am not a hypnotist, I don't claim to have any powers, real or imagined. I don't claim that any words I utter bring peace and happiness into the life of a family devastated by death. I just want to say enough words to get them safely through the toughest day of their lives. I want to say nice things about nice people - but sadly not all people are 'nice'.

Here was another challenge today - to say something 'nice' and helpful about a young man whose life was tragically cut short but whose loss to the world might be considered less important than some others.

Being non judgemental is a must in my job - actually, that's a lie. You can be judgemental to some extent but you must not let your judgement steer your course. 

This lad, who was described to me as "a bad un",  left behind a grieving mother and a girlfriend expecting their first child. The mother loved her son and she admitted she always felt a little less concerned about him when he was safely locked up in prison.

You see, not everyone can have the powerful influence on this world that Malc did, but no matter the life you live, no matter the 'mistakes' you make - hopefully somebody loves you.

And hopefully someone like me will be there to stand up and find the right words to help a grieving family say goodbye, words that are about the person in the box, not ourselves. 

Each human life is unique and so therefore special to those who share it - for good or ill. That should be our focus and today I was reminded why. 

Enjoy your weekend.

The Undiscovered Country

There was no other way to start 2014 than with a Star Trek reference, although of course it was borrowed from Shakespeare.

It is part of the soliloquy that Hamlet delivers beginning with the words "To be, or not to be".

In Star Trek they allude to the future being an undiscovered country, a place to which we can journey without expectation.

Of course, every man and his dog is today making resolutions for the year ahead hoping to take as much control of the future as possible.

Whether it’s about diet, health or new relationships I understand the desire to make the first step into a new year a positive one - life is all about attitude sometimes. If we find a positive note to help us move forward the journey sometimes becomes all the easier but then something might happen to knock us off course - we might not keep to the promise we made ourselves to try harder to exercise or give up smoking, or in my case fish fingers! (only joking - I will NEVER give up fish fingers).

We should also recall that there is actually much of life that is beyond our control, like a leaf caught in the wind we just get blown along.

Please remember that when things don't go according to plan or when you have that first stumble, don’t feel too bad - being human means that we are liable to get it wrong sometimes...

If we allow the negative thought of our perceived failure to take hold we are less likely to regain our forward momentum - I believe we should not define ourself by our failures.

The Japanese have a wonderful saying - fall down seven times, get up eight.

Having a positive attitude is the key - each journey begins with the first step, but the attitude we bring to that step and all that follow will be the force that determines its direction its joy its value.

As you might know, I'm already on bonus time having almost 'shuffled off this mortal coil' some five years ago.

I have to remind myself occasionally how even a really bad day of life is better than that "sleep of death" especially when I don't believe that sleep will offer what Shakespeare wrote:  "To sleep, perchance to dream".

Are you fed up of the Hamlet yet?

So, my year ahead - a 30th wedding anniversary for Mrs B and myself, a first birthday for Polly - and I do have to say that becoming 'Camp-Pa' has really been a highlight of my whole life not just the past year.

There will be other days, good news and bad news will come my way I'm sure.

I have every intention of standing on a stage and dusting off my acting boots, I have every intention of enjoying a great holiday and of playing some golf.

I would like to spend time with those people who are important to me.

I would like to carry on dispensing wisdom as only I can and being a thoroughly miserable old bugger!

Having said all of that I know that the road ahead is not mapped out that easily, this journey will inevitably end (although Mrs B will not forgive me if I pop my clogs anytime soon).

My attitude will be as positive as possible and I will try and infect others with the attitude that a day of life should be treasured and used. None of us are promised tomorrow - there is no day but today!

There is paragraph I may well have quoted before but as you all prepare to journey to your own undiscovered countries in 2014, I give it to you all as a gift. Consider it, discard it, use it - no strings attached.

"I will leave this earth knowing that I did not do all I had to do, but I hope that whatever I leave behind will say that I cared: that it’s quality was not compromised, that I gave it my best and that occasionally my best was enough to give a bit of life the honour it was due".

Robert Sexton


It is my most fervent hope that all of you have a brilliant year...a year spent making memories and giving your life the honour it is due.

Live long and prosper.

Hollywood Greats

I'm not obsessed with death - it's just a hobby.

I also love a good film and being of a certain age I believe  that many of the best films were made before CGI existed.

The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938), Stagecoach (1939), The Maltese Falcon (1941), Arsenic and Old Lace (1944) - I could go on, so I will.

From 12 Angry Men (1957) to Network (1976)  we were still getting great movies starring fantastic actors.

One of those actors died this past weekend, Peter O'Toole.


 I felt compelled to mention on Facebook how he was such a magnificent actor that he made any old pile of crap that he was in look classy - I would offer his portrayal of Priam in Troy (2004) as an example. There is one scene in which the once proud king is watching his city burn and you see all the anguish in his face - he doesn't offer one word. A masterclass in how to do nothing, yet say everything.

His legacy is secure - that he did not win an Oscar is a shame but it does not diminish his work in such films as The Lion In Winter (1968) or Goodbye Mr Chips (1969).

It was then announced this morning that the actress Joan Fontaine had died at the age of 96. 

Rebecca (1940), is another film I never tire of watching.

Anyway, let me get to the point. We are running out of stars, real Hollywood stars and we don't seem to be making any new ones!

Who is left?

Luise Rainer (aged 103) was a huge star in the 1930's - a double Oscar winner.

Olivia De Havilland (97) sister of Ms Fontaine although they famously did not get on!  

From the aforementioned Robin Hood film with Errol Flynn and of course Gone With The Wind (1939).

Kirk Douglas (97) - I'm Spartacus! And Van Gogh. And Doc Holliday. And Colonel Dax...etc.

Maureen O'Hara (93) the lady who could swashbuckle as well as any man but best known for her films with John Wayne.

Mickey Rooney (93) - need I say anything more than Mickey Rooney!

Doris Day (91),  Sir Christopher Lee (91), Richard Attenborough (90).

Lauren Bacall (89) and Angela Lansbury (88)

Clint Eastwood is 83 for goodness sake!

There are numerous other names I could add to this list but the point is made I think.

Do we really think that the films of Adam Sandler or Ben Stiller will still be as popular in 50 years time as the films of Jerry Lewis (87)?

Anyway, thanks for dropping by...it's just me mourning the loss of a great actor who famously once said:

I will not be a common man. I will stir the smooth sands of monotony.

RIP

Peace On Earth, Good Will Toward Men...

except atheists and all theists who don't believe Jesus was the son of god.

I have, this day, been defending the right of non Christians to celebrate at Christmas. Having been referred to as a hypocrite I decided that I should share my thoughts and feelings about this season of good will and what it means to a heathen atheist.

As someone who enjoys being a little bah humbug at this time of year (actually all year round) I was faced with a challenge in the writing of my Christmas themed 'Thought for the Day' which appears on BBC Radio Nottingham. Being a regular contributor over the past couple of years I did initially wonder how a non religious view of life would sit in the daily god slot - but people seem to respond positively to it and the producer keeps asking me back so it must be ok.

My Christmas themed message was based around the quote attributed to the Reverend Jesse Jackson, that it's not Christmas presents that matter but the presence of people who are important to you at Christmas that has real meaning.

When the piece was broadcast it prompted a listener to call in and berate anyone who isn't a Christian from celebrating the birth of Christ...hence my appearance this morning on the radio.

Let me point out at this juncture, that although when I speak multitudes listen and nod sagely in agreement, I do not speak for all Humanists...just the sensible ones.  The rabid secularists can make their own argument for pulling down Westminster Abbey and turning it into a multi story car park, I'm a bit more pragmatic.

Religion exists.

My moderate Humanist stand point on Christmas is that as a nation we celebrate a national holiday, a public holiday for all citizens no matter your faith or belief system. It involves Santa and lights and trees and cards and presents and carols and food and drink and families spending time together.

Some people love the idea of seeing old friends and family members, sharing a meal, a glass of cream sherry and perhaps reminiscing about how Christmases were better in the good old days.

Some people prefer to fly off to France or Austria and go skiing.

Sone cruise down to the Caribeano whilst some sit quietly at home and stroke their pussy.

A few of you might go to church for the only time in the year, sing a few carols and hear the Christmas fable retold by little children with tea towels on their heads.

There are some of course, devout and faithful followers of the Christian church, who will truly be celebrating the birth of their saviour. It is a deeply spiritual time for them and I do not deny them that right.


Of course the numbers of those who regularly attend church are still in decline and whether we like it or not, Christmas has become largely a secular holiday and I think we all have a right to join in the fun...and those of us who don't like the tea towel bit can ignore it and have another glass of  sherry.

So, back to the devout Christian caller who thinks it's hypocritical of me to enjoy this festive season...I have some questions for him.

The problem with banning atheists from Christmas is where would you draw the line?

Should writing a Christmas card be considered  a Christians only act?

Should hauling the faux tree out of its box for the umpteenth Christmas, covering it with red green and gold baubles (and the old robin) be considered a Christians only activity?

The Old Robin 

Should I be allowed to put crackers on the table?

Should I be allowed to have a welcome light in the window?

Should I be allowed a wreath on the door?

Should I open the door to the carol singers and smile at them before dropping a chocolate coin or two in the collection box?

Should I tell my mother not to send me any mince pies or cocoanut tarts but send them instead to a local vicar?

Would I even be allowed that glass of sherry?

Can I buy a turkey and stuff it?

Can I invite people to spend the day with us and share a meal and give thanks for life and happiness?

Where do the Christians want me to draw the line?

Let's make a deal Christians...you start gathering your tea towels and I'll start opening the Harvey's.

I promise I won't even think about Jesus and shepherds and wise men or kings.

I won't have a nativity scene anywhere in the house.

I won't even have a star on the tree, it'll just be the old robin.

I promise not to think about god.

If I promise all of the above and try just to have a nice day with nice people, will you allow me a few twinkling lights and a candle?

I don't want a lot for Christmas - I most certainly don't want to join in Christ-Mass but those of you who do, then go and do it. Celebrate the message of the birth of your saviour and leave me to watch Jurasic Park or Star Wars.

I'm not a petty man, I could have spent the whole of this blog pointing out the flaws in the virgin birth but that's not what I want my Christmas to be about.

My Christmas is about me, Mrs B, Miss Twillets and Polly, two coughing beagles and a turkey crown - it's about sitting in front of a real fire, sipping my sherry and watching Mrs Brown's Boys.

So, dear uncharitable unchristian caller - enjoy the holidays: WE WILL!

Birthday Message

Another year older but none the wiser, luckily I'm wise enough already.

What happened on this day throughout history (apart from my magnificent arrival) well in 1859 Charles Darwin published On The Origin Of Species. It had to be I was born on this day!


I share my birthday with William Webb Ellis, Grace Darling, Lucky Luciano, Billy Connolly, Ian Botham, Denise Crosby (the Star Trek link will not be lost on those who are devotees) and Stephen Merchant. Merchant is a comedy writer - so this is obviously a day when talent in that area was bountiful.

It's been a funny year, it has flown by in many ways and I'm still trying to make the most of the bonus time I have been granted.

For my birthday treat I shall be roasting a lamb, sacrificed in my honour.  Tomorrow I shall be attending the Royal Concert Hall in Nottingham to hear the John Wilson Orchestra play songs from the golden age of the Hollywood musical. Before that I shall be eating Italian food, a meal shared with my lovely wife and my parents. Mr & Mrs B Senior are visiting us for the week so we shall have to turn the heating up as you know how cold old folks can get!

Later in the week it will be French food before another trip to the theatre, this time to see Dreamboats and Petticoats, a jukebox musical with songs from the 1950's (and before you ask that is well before my time - cheeky).

It's a busy week what with rehearsals and final arrangements for Drag Queens on the 5th December...more on that another day.

Anyway, I don't want to take up a lot of your time today, merely to thank you all for being a part of my world.

My Mitty-esque belief that my guru status is actually of use to you keeps me going you know.

Enjoy life, enjoy each other and I leave you with some birthday wisdom:

Don't stand too near the cake after your 21st birthday - those candles throw out some heat!