Let's get the Jubilee business out of the way - well done Mrs Queen for lasting 60 years. There will be all sorts of parties celebrating your longevity this weekend and I understand that they are planning to send you down the river in a viking long ship which they will then set on fire, whilst they flambé you in liqueur and serve you with ice cream, very tasty.
All over the country other people, who had their names drawn in a lottery, will be flambéed too - making a chain of beacons as far as the eye can see. What a celebration. And best of all, those who get chosen for this task will be the lucky ones who don't have to watch the concert outside Buckingham Palace!
I know, I'm miserable...in fact I have been defending the Queen of late, some upstarts have been saying that we should get rid of the Royal Family and replace them, as Russia and France did. I pointed out that a fairly benign monarchy is much better than a politically minded, money grabbing criminal being in charge.
Anyhoo, I'm not here to talk about celebrating sixty years on the throne - and I have avoided all toilet jokes on purpose - I want to talk about one aspect of Mrs Queens job description...Fidei Defensor.
As head of the Church of England, our beloved Queen legitimises a state religion and no doubt over the course of this weekend she will be in and out of cathedrals and abbeys being blessed by bearded men in long robes (not Gandalf).
You see not only do we have to celebrate her long reign, we have to thank god for this gift to the nation - well some of us don't believe in god, and it gets a little irritating when we are told that all good and great things come from up above. The mighty and beneficent god that is creator of all things and whose word should be obeyed without question...resistance is futile.
The gap between faith and fact is wide and filled with bitterness as those who stand on the opposite banks shout their opposing views at each other. I don't deny the right of anyone to believe but there should be an equal right of not believing. I do believe in some things, like pointing out what I see as inconsistencies in blind faith and belief and if any of the faithful want to point out any shortcomings in my own values - please feel free.
I was browsing Twitter yesterday and came across a post from one of those rabid religionists in the USA. For someone who is supposed to be bathed in the love of god, they displayed a great deal of hatred. They hate everything that isn't godly, saving special venom for liberals, homosexuals and President Obama. This one was also having a go at the Queen and the British, describing the whole nation as 'vile'.
The lady in question then posted about her son being diagnosed with an illness and she asked everyone to pray for his recovery - it transpired that she did not believe in medical aid as all the lad needed was the power of prayer to cure his diabetes...I would have taken the young lad into care at this point but that's just me.
I asked what was the problem with medicine and got no reply - well I didn't expect she would speak to a godless heathen from a 'vile' country.
But why do the ultra religious sometimes spurn medical aid?
As far as I can tell there is nothing in the bible that prevents the use of medicine, in fact there are passages which talk about taking the leaves from trees to use as medicine.
If they believe that god created all life, including germs and viruses, then why can't they believe that he would have created cures?
If they believe that prayer is the answer how can they not believe that the answer might be whispered by god into the ear of a scientist who then discovers a treatment for diabetes?
These are logical questions and most sensible folk, even the faithful, will have rationalised the possibility that a god who created man might have given him the wherewithal to make his own way in the world without always having to bother the creator.
You cannot get answers to these questions though, because if you question faith you are in the queue for hell. It's a bit like the queue at Tesco but you don't get club card points when you check out!
The concept of just accepting things as they are, to never question anything, well it just seems atypical of what I understand humanity to be about. We question and we search for answers and we make progress and as we look back over the course of the last sixty years, we can see that in the UK we have made great leaps forward. Mrs Queen has overseen a nation that has grown up in many ways, but I suspect that we will never shake the link between church and state, that's one thing that we all have to live with.
The number of people who go to church is falling all the time (and I think people who are so hateful in the name of god are helping the cause of the logical much more than I ever can) but the pomp and pageantry of the big state occasions, with all the religious trappings, probably secures the Church of England for a bit longer.
I suspect that the 'vile' British don't really mind if Mrs Queen goes to church or not, as long as she smiles and waves and continues to exemplify that best of all British qualities - dignity.
God bless her little cotton socks.
Sadly, the rain is blighting the celebration of the reign and the country will have to rein in its enthusiasm or perhaps not!
The 'vile' British will always come out on top because we will just....