I sometimes wish there was a god...

because then I could have someone to get angry at when things go wrong.

Hello all, the Guru and Mrs B are both very tired today. We have joined the ranks of the Groupon Groupies and spent last night at a nice hotel in Grantham. I enjoyed a round of golf whilst Mrs B enjoyed the swimming pool and I played golf well enough to not be angry.  I then had a nice relaxing bath which eased me into the evening and we then shared a nice meal with a bottle of wine and then coffee and cointreau.

All of this for £26.00 - a real bargain.

Today, a visit to Stamford and a walk around the market enabling Mrs B to buy some nice fresh vegetables and have a look in the tourist shops - where a plastic orchid retails for £69.00!

Home and then Tesco for a quick shop, all without incident except for the pharmacy stating that my prescription would be ready in 90 minutes!

Normally that would be enough to set me off but I remained calm and it is only now that I sit down to write that I feel like shaking my fist at someone. Actually I feel like kicking gods teeth right down his almighty throat.

One of the questions that is often posed is why would any god let bad things happen to good people? Earthquakes and other natural disasters destroying the lives of hundreds if not thousands in the blink of an eye.

What about the children who are the victims of abuse? Where is god on those occasions?

What about the hundreds who are killed by dangerous and drunk drivers, quietly going about their business only to have their life snuffed out because some idiot decided he knew that he could take that corner at 60mph even though the limit is 30mph.

There are so many more examples that make people question is there a loving and omnipotent god?

The usual answer is god moves in a mysterious way or mankind is not intelligent enough to understand the plan that god has for mankind. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away - blessed be the name of the Lord!

We just have to accept it and move on...

Last night we had a phone call, it was a call to tell us that a young man who Mrs B and I are very fond of, has been diagnosed with cancer.

I don't want to be too specific because it is not for me to breach any confidences but needless to say the first thing I thought was - why him?

There will be many who have had similar experiences I'm sure, questioning why someone they love is dealt an awful hand in life whilst we all know people who are just a waste of space and yet seem to get away with murder.

Life is not fair...

You feel so helpless - no one to shout at, no one to blame.

Life is not fair...

I don't suppose it would be right if we could apply for the job of arbiter in these matters - our personal feelings would cloud our judgement I'm sure. Then again, if I had the job I would certainly take the cancer from this young, talented and charming man and give it Colonel Gaddafi -  without hesitation!

Would that be wrong?

Resistance is Futile...

My absence from the blogosphere over these last few days is down to will power, a supreme effort was needed to keep me writing awful things about Catholic priests and bishops. The urge to vent has now passed over me and so I can safely commit finger to keyboard and fill your life with a little sunshine to pierce the veil of fog that seems to have descended on the country.

Japan still holds the headlines, especially the ongoing drama at the Fukushima power plant - the ebb and flow of good and bad news entrancing our country whilst the Japanese try and rebuild their lives.

On a more cheerful note I see the comedian I call Miranda Hart has won the award for comedy at The Royal Television Society, and the former musician Brian Cox continues his upward trajectory into the stratosphere of stardom. He is more famous now than when he was famous before - but at least he is famous for doing something and not just famous for being famous as most famous people seem to be these days.

I know a few famous people, I was talking to George Takei last night and Gyles Brandreth has invited me to go and see his one man show in London. I can't make it but how nice of him to ask me - he even said that I should come backstage after the show for a chat - do you think he wants to pick my brain for new material or is it my collection of knitting patterns he's after?

On the subject of Pattens, I see Lord Chris Patten is being lined up as the new chairman of the BBC Trust, although some have said he is not qualified for the role as he does not watch Eastenders...I would have thought that made him eminently qualified for any job.

I watch television to cheer myself up, to escape from the drudgery of normal life - so I watch programmes where people are happier then me...so by that measure those watching Eastenders must be really miserable.

It's a sort of snobbery though, I admit it, Eastenders is for the lowest classes - us middle classes watch Professor Brain Cox. Hold on though, I just noticed that Eastenders won a RTS Award too!

You could see that artistic snobbery on display at The Olivier Awards on Sunday - the audience on its feet cheering for Stephen Sondheim, his style far away from the musical that won the award voted for by the public - We Will Rock You. Even Brian May was shocked that he won.

So, time to toast my crumpets and make another cup of tea before I head off into the fog - I want to leave you with this motto and I expect you to sew it onto a handkerchief so you will always be reminded of its value...

In life it is always nice to be important but it's more important to be nice!

Until we meet again...

And the Award for Best Plastic Surgery Goes to....

anyone but Barry Manilow!

Did you see him on the Olivier Awards last night (via the BBC Red Button) - he looks awful.

But more about that later - first of all let me congratulate the BBC for deciding to cover this prestigious ceremony and then let me condemn the BBC for that coverage and for letting Jodie Prenger anywhere near a microphone.

She had no clue who she was talking to half the time, and most of the interviewees were bewitched by her breasts, which seemed to want a show all of their own.

The coverage was abysmal, why we cut away from Nancy Carroll making her acceptance speech for Best Actress to hear Paul Gambacinni talking to some scruffy critic is beyond me.

Anyway, the coverage got a little better as the show went on and then we were treated to the site of Elaine Paige, someone else who looks like a surgeon is on speed dial. Have you even seen EP and Manilow in the same room at the same time?

Elaine?

Barry?

Love Child of Barry & Elaine

Manilow came on stage and grimaced his way through Copacabana, and he looks so strange these days I did comment to Mrs B and Miss Twillets that he looks like a pig in sequins.

I also realised that he has been stretched so taut and everything pulled up so high that when he tickles his chin, he's actually masturbating!

There were some real stars present, Joss Ackland told a nice little anecdote before presenting an award, and of course we had Adrian Lester on stage - there was a lot of twitching at that point as Miss Twillets went into a mating ritual of some kind. As an aside - I discovered last night that Miss Twillets has deformed feet - she looks like a chameleon and it's very strange to see her pick up a wine glass with her toes.

So, Adrian Lester departed the stage and then we had the presentation of a Lifetime Achievement Award to Stephen Sondheim, presented to him by Sir Cameron Overcoat and the glorious Angela Lansbury - should be Dame Angela by now.

Now her plastic surgeon is excellent and she looks amazing at 85 and she can still perform...

So, BBC, in closing I will forgive all of the clangers you dropped because the last ten minutes of the three hour show were excellent. 

But the next time I hear the words 'red button' and 'Jodie Prenger' in the same sentence, I hope it means  press here for emergency tit deflation!

Japan

It's very hard to write a silly blog in light of what is happening in Japan. Watching the tsunami as it tore across the Japanese countryside I had a very similar feeling to that I recall in witnessing the events of 9-11.

Seeing the events at the nuclear power station and knowing the history of what radiation poisoning did to that country, you can't help but feel sorry for the people who are now living this awful nightmare. Let's hope things are not as bad as the media make out.

As I said I can't write a silly blog, I wasn't going to write one at all - but then I heard some religious twat - a catholic bishop (of course) -  saying this isn't an act of god, this is the consequences of man denying god by building on fault lines.

Well bishop - the Catholic church isn't that big in Japan but you certainly did a good job in showing the caring side of your organisation...

Perhaps the same bishop will be on tv again when San Francisco falls into the Pacific ocean to say - told you so!

Why is it that god takes the praise for all the good in the world and never gets any of the blame when things go wrong?

That's it - no more today...