Monday 16 December 2013

Hollywood Greats

I'm not obsessed with death - it's just a hobby.

I also love a good film and being of a certain age I believe  that many of the best films were made before CGI existed.

The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938), Stagecoach (1939), The Maltese Falcon (1941), Arsenic and Old Lace (1944) - I could go on, so I will.

From 12 Angry Men (1957) to Network (1976)  we were still getting great movies starring fantastic actors.

One of those actors died this past weekend, Peter O'Toole.


 I felt compelled to mention on Facebook how he was such a magnificent actor that he made any old pile of crap that he was in look classy - I would offer his portrayal of Priam in Troy (2004) as an example. There is one scene in which the once proud king is watching his city burn and you see all the anguish in his face - he doesn't offer one word. A masterclass in how to do nothing, yet say everything.


His legacy is secure - that he did not win an Oscar is a shame but it does not diminish his work in such films as The Lion In Winter (1968) or Goodbye Mr Chips (1969).


It was then announced this morning that the actress Joan Fontaine had died at the age of 96. 

Rebecca (1940), is another film I never tire of watching.

Anyway, let me get to the point. We are running out of stars, real Hollywood stars and we don't seem to be making any new ones!

Who is left?

Luise Rainer (aged 103) was a huge star in the 1930's - a double Oscar winner.

Olivia De Havilland (97) sister of Ms Fontaine although they famously did not get on!  

From the aforementioned Robin Hood film with Errol Flynn and of course Gone With The Wind (1939).

Kirk Douglas (97) - I'm Spartacus! And Van Gogh. And Doc Holliday. And Colonel Dax...etc.

Maureen O'Hara (93) the lady who could swashbuckle as well as any man but best known for her films with John Wayne.

Mickey Rooney (93) - need I say anything more than Mickey Rooney!

Doris Day (91),  Sir Christopher Lee (91), Richard Attenborough (90).

Lauren Bacall (89) and Angela Lansbury (88)

Clint Eastwood is 83 for goodness sake!

There are numerous other names I could add to this list but the point is made I think.

Do we really think that the films of Adam Sandler or Ben Stiller will still be as popular in 50 years time as the films of Jerry Lewis (87)?

Anyway, thanks for dropping by...it's just me mourning the loss of a great actor who famously once said:

I will not be a common man. I will stir the smooth sands of monotony.



RIP








Sunday 15 December 2013

Peace On Earth, Good Will Toward Men...

except atheists and all theists who don't believe Jesus was the son of god.

I have, this day, been defending the right of non Christians to celebrate at Christmas. Having been referred to as a hypocrite I decided that I should share my thoughts and feelings about this season of good will and what it means to a heathen atheist.

As someone who enjoys being a little bah humbug at this time of year (actually all year round) I was faced with a challenge in the writing of my Christmas themed 'Thought for the Day' which appears on BBC Radio Nottingham. Being a regular contributor over the past couple of years I did initially wonder how a non religious view of life would sit in the daily god slot - but people seem to respond positively to it and the producer keeps asking me back so it must be ok.

My Christmas themed message was based around the quote attributed to the Reverend Jesse Jackson, that it's not Christmas presents that matter but the presence of people who are important to you at Christmas that has real meaning.

When the piece was broadcast it prompted a listener to call in and berate anyone who isn't a Christian from celebrating the birth of Christ...hence my appearance this morning on the radio.

Let me point out at this juncture, that although when I speak multitudes listen and nod sagely in agreement, I do not speak for all Humanists...just the sensible ones.  The rabid secularists can make their own argument for pulling down Westminster Abbey and turning it into a multi story car park, I'm a bit more pragmatic.

Religion exists.

My moderate Humanist stand point on Christmas is that as a nation we celebrate a national holiday, a public holiday for all citizens no matter your faith or belief system. It involves Santa and lights and trees and cards and presents and carols and food and drink and families spending time together.

Some people love the idea of seeing old friends and family members, sharing a meal, a glass of cream sherry and perhaps reminiscing about how Christmases were better in the good old days.

Some people prefer to fly off to France or Austria and go skiing.

Sone cruise down to the Caribeano whilst some sit quietly at home and stroke their pussy.

A few of you might go to church for the only time in the year, sing a few carols and hear the Christmas fable retold by little children with tea towels on their heads.

There are some of course, devout and faithful followers of the Christian church, who will truly be celebrating the birth of their saviour. It is a deeply spiritual time for them and I do not deny them that right.


Of course the numbers of those who regularly attend church are still in decline and whether we like it or not, Christmas has become largely a secular holiday and I think we all have a right to join in the fun...and those of us who don't like the tea towel bit can ignore it and have another glass of  sherry.

So, back to the devout Christian caller who thinks it's hypocritical of me to enjoy this festive season...I have some questions for him.

The problem with banning atheists from Christmas is where would you draw the line?

Should writing a Christmas card be considered  a Christians only act?

Should hauling the faux tree out of its box for the umpteenth Christmas, covering it with red green and gold baubles (and the old robin) be considered a Christians only activity?

The Old Robin 


Should I be allowed to put crackers on the table?

Should I be allowed to have a welcome light in the window?

Should I be allowed a wreath on the door?

Should I open the door to the carol singers and smile at them before dropping a chocolate coin or two in the collection box?

Should I tell my mother not to send me any mince pies or cocoanut tarts but send them instead to a local vicar?

Would I even be allowed that glass of sherry?

Can I buy a turkey and stuff it?

Can I invite people to spend the day with us and share a meal and give thanks for life and happiness?

Where do the Christians want me to draw the line?

Let's make a deal Christians...you start gathering your tea towels and I'll start opening the Harvey's.

I promise I won't even think about Jesus and shepherds and wise men or kings.

I won't have a nativity scene anywhere in the house.

I won't even have a star on the tree, it'll just be the old robin.

I promise not to think about god.

If I promise all of the above and try just to have a nice day with nice people, will you allow me a few twinkling lights and a candle?

I don't want a lot for Christmas - I most certainly don't want to join in Christ-Mass but those of you who do, then go and do it. Celebrate the message of the birth of your saviour and leave me to watch Jurasic Park or Star Wars.

I'm not a petty man, I could have spent the whole of this blog pointing out the flaws in the virgin birth but that's not what I want my Christmas to be about.

My Christmas is about me, Mrs B, Miss Twillets and Polly, two coughing beagles and a turkey crown - it's about sitting in front of a real fire, sipping my sherry and watching Mrs Brown's Boys.

So, dear uncharitable unchristian caller - enjoy the holidays: WE WILL!





























Sunday 24 November 2013

Birthday Message

Another year older but none the wiser, luckily I'm wise enough already.

What happened on this day throughout history (apart from my magnificent arrival) well in 1859 Charles Darwin published On The Origin Of Species. It had to be I was born on this day!


I share my birthday with William Webb Ellis, Grace Darling, Lucky Luciano, Billy Connolly, Ian Botham, Denise Crosby (the Star Trek link will not be lost on those who are devotees) and Stephen Merchant. Merchant is a comedy writer - so this is obviously a day when talent in that area was bountiful.

It's been a funny year, it has flown by in many ways and I'm still trying to make the most of the bonus time I have been granted.

For my birthday treat I shall be roasting a lamb, sacrificed in my honour.  Tomorrow I shall be attending the Royal Concert Hall in Nottingham to hear the John Wilson Orchestra play songs from the golden age of the Hollywood musical. Before that I shall be eating Italian food, a meal shared with my lovely wife and my parents. Mr & Mrs B Senior are visiting us for the week so we shall have to turn the heating up as you know how cold old folks can get!

Later in the week it will be French food before another trip to the theatre, this time to see Dreamboats and Petticoats, a jukebox musical with songs from the 1950's (and before you ask that is well before my time - cheeky).

It's a busy week what with rehearsals and final arrangements for Drag Queens on the 5th December...more on that another day.

Anyway, I don't want to take up a lot of your time today, merely to thank you all for being a part of my world.

My Mitty-esque belief that my guru status is actually of use to you keeps me going you know.

Enjoy life, enjoy each other and I leave you with some birthday wisdom:

Don't stand too near the cake after your 21st birthday - those candles throw out some heat!









Friday 15 November 2013

Charity begins at home...

but should not stop there.

These are the words of Thomas Fuller a 17th century cleric and you know if I am quoting a vicar then it's about to get serious!

As I type this message to the faithful few, the Children In Need telethon is at full speed ahead on the telly. It's been a week to think about charity, what with the awful situation in the Philippines, and this morning on a BBC Nottingham web page, debate about charity was heated.

Someone had suggested that part of the money raised tonight should be given to children in the Philippines rather than just kept for children in the UK.

This suggestion seemed to bring to the surface all the xenophobia and little Englander rantings that I detest.  Comments like:

We shouldn't support the Philippines, what have they ever done for us?
Why not let Asia deal with an Asian problem?
There are children in this country who need the money more!

I could go on but it makes me sick to the stomach to even write them down.

My answer, which I posted on the web page was, why not donate to Children in Need for the UK based children and if you want to support the disaster fund just donate to them. Too sensible?

I have donated to the DEC fund, how could I not after hearing the stories about children standing under trees crying because the dead and rotting body of their mother was wedged among the branches or how all the children in one street were killed by the storm surge.

(There are children in this country who need the money more)

I may donate to Children In Need too as I am fortunate enough to have the resources at my disposal - I know some people are really struggling here thanks to the austere times we live in...there were several of them on the web complaining about that this morning too. Obviously not that austere a time if they have not had to forego their mobile phones and computers.

As the day has gone on I got more and more wound up by the sheer cold heartedness of some people who seem to think that children in need of clean water and basic food are less worthy than a child in the UK who may well have a genuine need but for something less basic.

But it's the xenophobia and sometimes outright racist attitude that some contributors displayed that is hardest to swallow.

But then it struck me - Children in Need raise money for children in the UK and I get the feeling that some of those racists who were talking about 'charity beginning at home' forgot something.

Not all children in need in the UK are white, nor are they necessarily British because some of them will be immigrant children or refugee children.

That made me laugh out loud - a real LOL moment.

IF (big if), IF the people who were talking about wanting their money to stay in this country, IF they actually donated some of there xenophobic pounds to the pot, how would they feel if all of their donations went too support a project like...the Romani Cultural and Arts Company...or Bristol Refugee Rights...or (there are others of course.)

Oh dear, have I let the cat out of the bag?

Charity begins at home but should not stop there.

This country is still a wealthy nation, we don't get battered by cyclones and hurricanes (and having your wheelie bin blown down the street is not as bad as having your city laid waste).

I don't grudge the children in the UK or anywhere, a chance for a better life but donating to the DEC appeal is a chance to grant the continuation of a life - full stop.

I hope Children in Need does well, I hope all the mouthy idiots put their hands in their pockets.

£30 million in 3 days for the DEC - we are a kind and wonderful people and obviously generous.

The act of giving is what counts, and really it's not even charity because we can afford it. It's only real charity if you give more than you can afford.

It's just common human decency to offer a helping hand.

Friday night rant ends - it's your money, you can put it where your mouth is or leave it in your pocket as far as I'm concerned.

It's your life.

Glass of clean water anyone?                Now where did I put that tap?

















Friday 11 October 2013

Autumn Leaves

The last time we spoke it was July, the sun blazed down and warmed the cockles of our hearts and maybe even the heart of your cockles. Now here we are in October, it's just past 11am and the sky is dark with rain and falling leaves.  The cycle of nature reminding us that we are part of a world that changes. But what will never change is my sense of duty and service to my dearly cherished flock...hello flock.

I know that some of your will have been following the progress of The Guru as a theatrical megastar on the other blog but today we have other fish to fry. It is Friday after all.

Mrs B and I have recently retuned from a pilgrimage to the Mediterranean, first class of course.

Our vessel of choice, a cruise ship - the Celebrity Eclipse. There were actually no celebrities to be seen anywhere on the ship but there were lots of stars and they are the reason the cruise was so enjoyable.

Speaking to the HR manager onboard, I discovered that there were 73 nationalities represented in the crew. From the UK to South Africa, the USA to Indonesia and Macedonia to Mauritius. 

I didn't spend a lot of time with officers and mangers though, I enjoyed talking to and interacting with waiters and stewards and I was reminded of the sacrifices these men and women make as they went out of their way to make our holiday enjoyable and memorable.

The working conditions for cruise ship crews have been well documented, but hearing first hand about how a man will leave his village in Bali to spend 9 months at sea, was eye opening. Yes, they can send home their wages to support the family they have left behind, but that family includes two young daughters who he is missing growing up.

One of the waiters spoke about how he promised his family to return home to Bali when the fruit ripened on the trees and started to fall - he was due to fly back the day after we docked. Indeed he should have flown earlier, but an OPEC conference meant the airport was closed. 

This warm funny man, Made, with a huge smile and a talent to entertain, even invited us all to visit with him. 

Our steward, Marijan, from Macedonia - with an excellent  grasp of English and obviously an intelligent well read man who enjoyed talking to me about 'Of Mice and Men', which he saw I was reading.

Aleksandr, also from Macedonia, our wine waiter (he earned his tip). Clever and articulate, honest and decent and with the potential to go so much further in life than being abused by snobby, Daily Mail reading idiots who occupied tables near ours. 

I have to say there was a lot of moaning and whinging about poor food and service but in fact the food and the service was excellent - some people are just never satisfied. But Made and his madcap helper Deepuksing (from Mauritius) just kept smiling and serving.

I have to mention a young man called Ryan too, a waiter whose smile lit up the room. He was from China where I suspect he wasn't born with the name Ryan, but here he was, making a place and a name for himself in the world. 

There was Ketut, another warm friendly soul from Bali, who really did all he could to make sure we were spoiled rotten. 

It was Aleksandr who asked us one evening how it felt to be waited on, to be the centre of so much attention and I replied that for two weeks I would manage! A little flippant, as you might expect, but again, this made me think. 

After two weeks I could return to normal life, making my own cup of tea, managing with yoghurt and fruit not bacon and egg every day for breakfast. No more bow ties for dinner, just a lap tray and The Great British Bake Off on tv. 

Normal life - for Aleksandr, for Made, for Ryan - for all of them: more smiles, more service, more abuse from ignorant, xenophobic middle class snobs.

They have my respect and admiration and the next time I hear someone talking about immigrants from eastern Europe coming to take jobs in Mansfield, I will think about Marijan...who took a job no one from Mansfield would ever dream of taking on. Cleaning toilets and making beds so that Mrs B and I could be spoiled for two weeks.

In 'Of Mice and Men', John Steinbeck wrote -

"Guys like us got nothing to look ahead to”. 

That quote is not aimed at the stewards and waiters on the Celebrity Eclipse but at those passengers who looked right through them as if they were not there, or who thought it OK to abuse them as they were there to serve.

The men I met do have something to look ahead to - even if it's only ripened fruit on a tree in Bali.

Thank you to all of those men and women who made my two weeks in the sun so happy. 














Wednesday 31 July 2013

Drag Queens On Trial



Not just Drag Queens...

The Kitchen Table Trio have decided to produce Drag Queens on Trial by Sky Gilbert. There may be some who think we are doing it just to have fun, and that’s partly true. It will be a real challenge for the actors to make themselves into real drag queens that the audience can accept as more than parodies. We need the audience to connect with the trials these three characters undergo. You see, although this is a comedy, full of adult humour, there is a real hard truth at its centre - the world likes to judge others...and we are the world!

The production will be staged just after World Aids Day  (December 2013) which also happens to be the anniversary of the birth of Matthew Shepard who would have been 37 this year if he had not been tortured and left to die on a hillside overlooking Laramie, Wyoming in 1998. 

It is my fervent hope that we can not only have a great time staging the play and give audiences a great night in the theatre, but also raise some awareness around bullying, bigotry and hatred. 

I didn’t know Matthew Shepard so why is this project important to me? It’s important to me because I knew Tony and Chris.

It was the early 1980’s, in Berardi’s restaurant on the High Street in Lincoln that Mrs B and I first met Tony.

Tony was a waiter, he was good at his job and he had a way of making you smile and his personality added immeasurably to the gaiety of life.

Tony was a lovely man and when he was diagnosed with HIV, Mrs B and I were able to offer him just a little support.  Some human contact when so much of the world shunned him.


Sad to say it was during this time that I saw how bigoted and hateful some of the people I worked with could be. Refusing to treat Tony as a human being just because of the hysteria surrounding HIV/Aids and the rampant homophobia that could be expressed without fear of any consequences - this was, as I said, the early 1980’s.

Mrs B and I will always remember Tony with great fondness - ‘celery hearts’ always bring a smile. 

Being asked to help carry his coffin on the day of his funeral was something else I shall always remember.

I was volunteering with the HIV/Aids Support Group by then and met and came to know several other men who were facing the end of their life surrounded by the love of friends but also homophobia and bigotry and just plain hatred.

I like to think I did what I could to show them that there was some decency to be offered and accepted from relative strangers. Accepting people for who they are has always been important for me.

It was also the early 1980’s when I met Chris. Chris was a drag queen and like Tony he would die far too young.

I clearly recall sitting in his flat, drinking coffee, whilst he told myself and a colleague about the men that had beaten him up, simply for being himself. 

Jump forward to 1998, Laramie, Wyoming and the death of  Matthew Shepard.
Killed just for being himself.

How many others have been beaten, killed, committed suicide through bullying just because someone else thought they were less worthy of life?  Because their path through life is different - not better or worse, just different.


Drag Queens on Trial is a comedy but behind the laughs it puts us all on trial - it makes the world look at itself and asks us what gives us the right to judge others: gay, straight, drag queen, transexual...whatever you call yourself that is what you are and the rest of the world should just accept it.


So, in December come and see the play but between now and then, and hopefully after, don’t judge others who simply want the same right as you - to be themselves.
















Thursday 25 July 2013

HRH Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge

I know what you are thinking, what awful things are you going to say about the little baby?

Wrong.

You wound me with your cynicism. Naughty naughty Guru-ites.

My message for today is about childhood and growing up, though it does seem that some us manage to grow up and yet retain a certain childlike quality and innocence.

Just a few weeks ago we were lucky enough to find a baby arrive in our lives, a wonderful little creature called Polly.

Polly is the daughter of Miss Twillets, or should that be Ms. Twillets now? I get confused by social gender politics. Anyway, Polly is being groomed by her mother to become perfect marriage material for the new Prince George and I think he'd be lucky to get her...even though she does suck her thumb.

In reality we don't know what Polly will achieve in her life, she's too young yet to express any hopes and dreams for the future but those around her can dream and do I'm sure hope for a long and happy life for this little girl, Princess Polly of Mansfield.

Polly might not have a real title, and she will not have access to all the things George will have - but she does have one thing he will never have - the freedom to grow up and become what she wants to be.

Longevity seems to be a family trait in the Windsor household, it may well be that the Queen will carry on for another 10 years or more, then King Charles and Queen Camilla will have their shot and that may take us on another 20 or so years, making George 30 when his dad becomes King William.

If his dad manages 30 or so years on the throne then by the time Prince George becomes King George, he might be as old as his grandfather is now.

60 plus years waiting for the job you never asked for.

By the time she is 60, Polly could be retired to her villa in Tuscany. She will sit by her pool reflecting on a long and happy career as an actress, a dancer, a business woman, a hired killer, a flower arranger, a champion Beagle breeder, the scientist who discovered a cure for the common cold,  a teacher, a journalist, a fashion designer etc etc. She might have been a wife, mother, grandmother, she might even have been spotted by a dashing young Prince George at Pushy Fit classes.

Polly is a Thursday's Child - she has far to go and where she goes will be pretty much up to her.

George is a Monday's Child - fair of face he may be, and he may get to travel far and wide but he will never have the freedom to be what he wants to be. By the time he is old enough to realise he is trapped, it will be too late to escape - unless he makes the sacrifice of giving up on the throne to pursue happiness in whatever form happiness takes for plain George Cambridge.

I think Polly is the lucky one, and the fact that the world is not clamouring for her picture now doesn't mean a thing.

Her story will be written on blank pages, she will be the author of her story.

You know as I write this I find myself hoping that George manages to escape the shackles of the court, and the expectations of a Royalist driven agenda, the supporters of  St Diana who think of this baby as some sort of second coming. If by some chance he wants to be a potter or a bee keeper or a ballet dancer or just live with his 'friend' Gerald in a quiet village in Cambridgeshire and write books on needlecraft, then we should all let him be who he wants to be...it's not going to happen though. The brainwashing will already have begun.

It's all a matter of luck - where we are born. For every child complaining to his parents that the X-Box is broken, there is another child somewhere in the world living in a box, being nibbled by rats as they try and sleep.

For every child throwing a tantrum because they didn't want sauce on their chicken, there is another child who is on the verge of starvation.

For every child who is complaining that they NEED the latest fashionable trainers there is a child whose feet are blistered from the miles they walk to find water.

Mansfield isn't glamorous at the side of Kensington but Polly's home is a palace compared to a cardboard box.


Yes, Polly is lucky. She will be surrounded by love and by people who want her to be happy in her life and to become all she wants to be.

So, George Alexander Louis; I wish you a long and happy life but in my heart I wish you had the freedom to be just George.















Friday 19 July 2013

A Review...


Daddy

Devised and presented by Andy Dobb & Jack Burrows

Create Theatre Thursday 18th July 7.30pm


Two good friends decide that they are going to create a piece of theatre based upon their experiences of being and wanting to be a father. The result was presented to a small but appreciative audience, in a sweltering hot studio at The Create Theatre last night.

The piece was well structured and the journey was easy to follow as they discussed the very real and honest path they had trod in reaching their relative positions as a Daddy in Residence and Daddy in Waiting.

Presented as a work in progress, scripts in hand, Dobb and Burrows occasionally lost their way but I didn’t care because I knew, that they knew, what they were doing.

The very brave decision these two men had taken was to open their hearts to the world, to share their real and sometimes brutally honest story with us but to do so laced with physical humour, terrible puns and some real laugh out loud moments.

I will not divulge the exact content of the piece as that would destroy the chance of any future audiences  responding to the power of the piece, and have no doubt it has real power and tremendous potential.

This would not be a ‘Drew Review’ if I did not offer some criticism.

My first criticism would be about the pace and timing. I know this would come with rehearsal so I’m not going to dwell on that.


My second and final criticism is - it may have benefitted from an external eye.

Not to tell them what to say or how to say it but to offer the unbiased perspective of the audience thereby allowing them to further explore the themes in play. With such an emotional  piece, such a personal piece, it must be hard to be totally self critical all of the time.

For example, I would have pushed this piece to be even more gritty in the dramatic sections as I felt there was a slight pulling back on occasion from really hitting the audience with what were some very uncomfortable truths.

Overall, I loved it, I found it funny and moving and it touched some very real emotions within my own experiences of life. I know this was equally true for other audience members.

I hope that Andy Dobb and Jack Burrows do make progress with the piece and that a wider audience get to see these two talented men continue their ‘Daddy’ journeys.

_____________________________________________________________________

Personal Comments: As an aside, the audience contained many other ‘actors’ some of whom offered feedback after the show.  I found this part of the evening particularly uncomfortable and some of the comments were ill judged.

I will state for the record that Andy Dobb and Jack Burrows are on a different planet, no in a different acting galaxy to some of the amateur and apparently theatrically ignorant folk who tried to tell them how to improve their show.

After seeing them work in this piece and taking into account the brilliant work they did with The Odd Couple, I would go as far as to say that they are the preeminent theatrical performers in Mansfield.

I have seen nothing better than the work they continue to do and look forward to pushing them even harder when we start work on Drag Queens On Trial.

(Obviously I am in a galaxy of my own too, a very special galaxy far far away.  I also wish to exclude Rob from my analogy as well as Ed and his mum, plus Vicky and any other nice people who kept their opinions to themselves and just said well done to two splendid lads).

Finally a word for Natalie and Lauren - thank you.











Sunday 7 July 2013

The Dangers Of Reasonable Religion

It's Sunday and here I sit in my nicely tidied office at the Ashram, contemplating the week passed and the week ahead. Suddenly, I decided that I should bother my followers with a little explosion of concern, an ejaculation of anxiety if you will.

Which reminds me, I learnt yesterday that the reason some faiths used to ask women to keep their heads covered is because the superstitious monkeys thought that sperm was stored in hair...stay with me. The hair on a ladies head has the power to suck sperm up her body after sexual intercourse, so you didn't want all that sperm laden hair just staring at you did you? Keep it covered ladies!

I head this story from a lady vicar named Kate Bottley, she is more recently become famous for a viral video clip of her 'flashmob' dancing with the congregation at a wedding.

She is one of those 'reasonable' vicars who swears during ceremonies and offers ice-pops to her congregation on hot days. The sort of vicar who has a quick retort for every dig at religion and offers a 'reasonable' answer to the sort of questions people like me send in her direction.

By the way, I use the word 'reasonable' as it was a word used to me in describing this modern almost secular approach to faith. The actual quote was "it all seems very reasonable, and what's the harm in religion being human".

So, a 'reasonable' vicar, the sort of vicar who avoids the literal reading of the bible, embracing instead both science and faith by  accepting the concept of evolution and thereby undercutting any chance of debating the idea of god or gods in any logical way.

These sorts of 'reasonable' vicars make religion appealing to the masses by basically inviting and allowing you to believe in both fact and fiction and treating them as equally valid.

Kate Bottley is a force of nature, larger than life and someone who would no doubt fight very VERY hard for what she believes in and I have respect for that, we all follow our own path. It's harder to respect an attitude to life that says all we have and all we are, all progress and science and understanding of human development is only ours through god.

How can you argue with that?

It's ALL part of gods plan. Forget the bible, forget the obvious flaws in that story, just believe in god and have faith. We will tell you which bits of the bible are to be adhered to and which can be ignored, you just have faith. Don't worry, just join the queue and believe.

How can you argue with that?  You can't - and that's why 'reasonable' religion is dangerous.

The basic premise of religion is that god exists, that's what you have to accept. That god is real, and not just any god.

You see the 'reasonable' religious are actually as atheistic as me because they don't believe in all the other gods that people have worshiped in ancient Rome or Greece or Egypt for example. They just have their god who we have to accept exists and that there are no others...

How do we know that? How do we come to accept that there is only one god?

Answer... it says so in the bible - the very book that the 'reasonable' religious now say we should not take literally.

You see the real danger is that the 'reasonable' religious make everything seem so warm and human and safe so if you ask questions you seem to be questioning your own faith in humanity not humanities fear of the dark.

The worst thing is that the 'reasonable' religious sneer at those of us that don't believe and they undermine us in very subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways. Like telling me, it doesn't matter what you believe, god is always with you.

How can you argue with that when they seem so 'reasonable'?













Wednesday 3 July 2013

What a Wonderful World

Hello children, are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

As a true believer you will not be shocked to discover that evolution, not creation, is my considered opinion on how we got to where we are and that the world will continue to evolve until we either evolve ourselves out of the picture or the sun explodes and we all end up as crispy critters on some planetary fritto misto.

Science continues to find new ways of prolonging human life, the Catholic church continues to aid in the population growth around the world and the planet is shrinking beneath our feet.

More and more people arrive and less and less depart - it's going to get crowded and the demand for space and for food can only mean one thing - other species will have to get out of the way.

Trees will be cut down, animals will become extinct, birds will disappear, insects (especially cockroaches) will thrive and still scientists will be helping us all to live longer lives.

Why?

Do we really think that the value of a life can only be measured by the number of days in it?

Next week I will conduct a funeral for a boy of 15 and this week a man of 37 - were their lives less valuable because they were cut short?

When we lose someone at a young age we mourn that loss and we mourn the future that we had hoped and planned for. But where do we get the idea that life is supposed to be long?


As a species we used to live shorter lives, we used to succumb to our surroundings and dangers of life - we evolved and we learned to manage and mitigate that danger out of the equation in million different ways, meaning millions lived longer. That's good isn't it?

In South Africa life expectancy is 52. In South Korea it's 80. Is a South African less valuable than a South Korean?

I hope you get my point by now - we live in a diverse world and people live very different lives just by accident of where they are born.

An orangutan might live 40 years in the wild if it isn't killed by poachers or people chopping down its habitat for a variety of reasons and yet in captivity it lives for 60 years.

Tigers might get to 15 years of age in the wild, 30 years in captivity.

I'll let you into a secret - if I was a tiger I'd prefer 15 years in the wild to 30 years in a cage. What do you think?

Now think about the small space that man will eventually be forced to live in and remember that requirement for space would have displaced all the tigers, in the wild or captivity.

Science fact is scary - science fiction or fantasy might be our only real hope of salvation.

Will we become a wandering tribe, roaming the endless depths of space fighting Cylons or Klingons?

I don't have an answer for this - but I decided today to donate to the WWF.

It might not save mankind from its own self induced sleepwalk to mass extinction, but it might mean that  I don't outlive the last tigers, leopards and polar bears.

When my life ends they can feed me to the animals in the zoo for all I care. It might be the best thing man ever did for the animals.





2010 - The Alaotra Grebe (Tachybaptus rufolavatus) is declared extinct.

2011 - The Eastern Cougar was declared extinct.

2011 - The Western Black Rhinoceros was declared extinct.

2012 - The Japanese River Otter (Lutra lutra whiteneyi) has been declared extinct by the country’s Ministry of the Environment, after not being seen for more than 30 years.

2012 - "Lonesome George," the last specimen of the Pinta Island Tortoise died on June 10 2012.

2013 - The Formosan clouded leopard, previously endemic to the island of Taiwan, is officially declared extinct.

2013 - ?

























Wednesday 12 June 2013

The Gospel According to Me


I really do try and let others live as they wish. I’m a very liberal man. I know what I believe and I accept that others believe differently to me and that’s a good way for the world to turn as far as I can see. All of us following the path we think we should follow.

Recently, however, I have been getting a little fed up with the sniping and the comments from people who don't know me but think they have a right to judge me because I don't believe in god.

I wanted to take just a little time to address these people, to offer a little judgement of my own before I go back to my path and happily walk on to the end of my life, when I shall cease to exist in body and in spirit. 

Here we go then...


Dear god botherers, if you ask me to justify why I don’t believe in god please don't be surprised when I ask you to justify why you do. I will gladly answer your question and the answer will be based in fact and reason which is obviously something your answer will be short on.

Dear bible bashers, the bible does not prove anything other than that men can write down words in sentences and paragraphs and chapters. It is not proof that god exists.

It wasn’t written in English, it was translated into English and it was translated by humans who might have made mistakes in the translation or even altered it deliberately to strengthen their own position and reinforce certain beliefs.


There are certainly parts of the bible which contain some very useful lessons for life, for example how man should love his fellow man - although that’s one rule the religious find less keen to accept. 
It is possible to be a good family man and neighbour and citizen and never bend the knee in prayer. You can just be a decent human being and expect no reward in heaven.


Dear concerned Christians, there is not a god shaped hole in my life - my life is full of meaning and if you felt that there was a hole in your life, why did you fill it with god and not with fish finger sandwiches as this would seem an eminently more sensible  and practical way to fill a hole.

I have a question for those who have filled their ‘hole’ with Christianity - why didn't you choose Islam or Buddhism or Zoroastrianism or Odin or become a Jedi? 

Could it be because you are English?  Does the god of Abraham have special privileges in the UK that prevent other faiths having a claim on your ‘hole’?

Dear proselytizing pest - no, I’m not scared of dying. I would like to live as long as possible but when the time comes there does not seem much I can do about it other than say cheerio. The religious seem much more scared of death in my experience and yet you should all embrace it, knowing with certainty that your journey will continue with god in heaven.

Dear doom laden doorstepping prophets, if the end of the world is upon us I intend to enjoy my final days and not cower with my head in my hands begging for forgiveness just for being human. 



I know this all seems a little cheap and vindictive but I’m only returning the gift that the faithful have been so keen to give to me of late.

I really don’t care what you believe, but I do care if you force your views on others and try and shape the world to your ends. 

It’s been very liberating getting this off my chest and I know the faithful will forgive me - if they don’t they should give up on religion as it’s obviously not for them.


------------------------------------------------------------

PS: Just as I was about to post this blog entry the doorbell rang...you guessed it. Janet and Sandra with this months Watchtower!

She has a real sense of irony this god of yours.
























Monday 3 June 2013

Like You've Never Been Gone

3 months - how have you all coped?

After such a long hiatus I expect you have rushed to this latest post thinking you will learn something really important about life and death...and you would not be wrong. What I have to say could change the world and indeed save the world from destruction! You can't get more important than that.

Old people and dogs... after deep contemplation and hours of sleep deprivation I have decided they are a very dangerous combination and should be banned for a variety of reasons which I shall now explain.


I love dogs; they are often easier to get on with than people, and as I drive about my ever growing parish I often see dogs being walked by a variety of people young and old.

Just today though I saw a very old lady walking a very beautiful Shetland sheepdog by the side of a very busy road. The poor old lady was struggling to put one foot in front of another and the dog was very patiently plodding along, occasionally looking back at her owner thinking 'I wish I had that much hair on my chin'!

The dog looked about 2 or 3 which is teenage in human terms I suppose. The old lady looked about 476 in dog years.

I think dogs like old people because they smell of biscuits and if the dogs wee on them nobody can tell. Old people like dogs because they can buy dog food and pretend it's for the dog.

Old people are really spoiled in the UK and they are all rolling in it...although you can get pads for that now.

But we have to stop worrying about old people and worry about the dogs!

It occurred to me that the poor old lady could die at any second, and if she did what would happen to the dog? If the lady fell and in doing so released the lead, what would happen to the dog?

It could run into the road and get killed or it might cause an accident in which a car might swerve to miss the dog and run over the semi conscious pensioner!

Now what if the car mounted the pavement narrowly missing the old lady but swerves back into the road and collided with a lorry coming the other way? And what if that lorry was carrying a nuclear bomb - the result could be the total obliteration of the human race.

And all because some old dear was selfish enough to own a dog.

I'm already planning my letter to the Prime Minister telling him to stop worrying about equal marriage because if he doesn't do something about the pensioner pooch scenario nobody will be getting married - we'll all be dead.

It's totally logical and I cannot see any clear argument against my proposition.

I think UKIP will soon have this as official policy although initially they will start by banning pensioners from any dog except British Bulldogs.


We have to protect dogs from the elderly and in doing so we can save the world - will you join me in this crusade?

If you wish to support my campaign please send all the money you can spare to:


The Guru Drew

Save Our Dogs - Screw Our Pensioners.




Must go now... the ward orderly is telling me my computer privileges are being suspended.

See you in 3 months.


















Thursday 2 May 2013

No...I'm Not Dead

I know I have been absent from your lives for a little while but I do intend to return as soon as the spring sunshine has fully restored my sap.

Rest easy my little flock - the Guru is close by.


Sunday 3 March 2013

Merrily We Roll Along

These all too infrequent contacts are really very precious to me but in recent weeks I have been so very busy advising the Pope on his retirement plans that I just have not had time to sit down and communicate with the little people in my life.

Let me remedy this oversight by taking a little of my valuable time to disseminate some wisdom very much as a seagull disseminates wisdom on unsuspecting holiday makers in Blackpool.

Life has this habit of just happening, no matter our plans life just shows up at the door and no matter how many security bolts we have, we eventually have to let it in.

This week, for example, Mrs B has had a terrible cold. Her headaches and blocked nose, her difficulty in sleeping, her general feeling of poorliness have been hard to witness...so I tried to look away as often as I could.

I had suffered an even worse cold the week before but of course nobody would have known as I never mentioned it and bravely battled on being the proud Guru you all love and respect.

In the midst of all this misery and suffering, the tumble drier started to play up. Goodness knows how we managed to dry clothes before the invention of tumble driers?

I found a solution - I decided to dry the clothes outside on a line stretched between two poles. I used these clips or pegs to secure the washing in place and I really had to pat myself on the back for having the ingenuity for solving this problem. I think I might take this invention onto The Dragons Den.

First minor emergency avoided but then at 10.30pm on Friday night, the dishwasher died. It didn't go with a whimper either, a real bang, blowing the fuses and issuing a smoky cough from within its 10 year old machinery.

I immediately contemplated hanging the plates and wine glasses from the newly invented washing line in the garden but decided against it after struggling to peg a saucepan up.

Mrs B was having a panic attack which on top of her cold was making drinking wine almost impossible so I promised her that she would not have to put her hands in a washing up bowl and we would buy a new dishwasher. She calmed down.

I wish someone had been there to calm me down earlier in the week when I had to fork out for two new tyres!

So, it had been a stressful week and now we arrived at the weekend and we decided to take the advice of Petula Clark and go down town...to London.

A real treat, one of our semi-regular theatre trips to the West End - or in this case Southwark.

We drove to East Midlands Parkway, we boarded our train (First Class of course) and 90 minutes later we arrived in London. We found a friendly London cabbie who drove us to St Paul's Cathedral where we found a Pizza Express. The restaurant is not in St Paul's just nearby.

Using Pizza Express on these trips to London is a tradition but I can totally recommend that you avoid this branch like the plague! We had a very pleasant waiter and the vino arrived quickly enough but Mrs B's pizza was terrible. Luckily there was an M&S food shop over the road.

We then walked down from St Paul's, over the Millennium Bridge to the South Bank, walking past the Tate Modern and Shakespeare's Globe. In the shadow of The Shard, we navigated the sides streets until we emerged at our destination, The Menier Chocolate Factory.

In the basement of this building is a theatre, it seats 180 patrons on benches that really only fit 165 patrons! It was a tight squeeze.

The show was Merrily We Roll Along by Stephen Sondheim.

It's a very simple story of three friends but being Sondheim he tells the story backwards, so we start at the end of the friendship and the story gradually progresses backwards.

The end of the play is the  beginning of the story and it finds the three main protagonists on a rooftop in New York. This final scene when the three friends are looking forward to a life where they will do it all is very poignant considering that we know how it ends.

The songs are good, the acting was super...it was all terrific and spoiled by just one thing. The seating.

The fact that Mrs B and I had to cuddle throughout the show was no problem although it did make reaching for the sweets a little harder - what bugged me was the woman on my other side who jiffled all the way through the show! She was a big girl too with huge...shoulders.

Anyway, we loved the show and after it ended we walked back over the Millennium Bridge in the gathering darkness, the surrounding sights of London now illuminated, lovely to see. We found another friendly London cabbie and returned to St Pancras railway station where with an hour to spare we sat ourselves in the bar and ordered two glasses of wine...£28.

That sort of finished the week nicely.

Going to the theatre is very much part of our lives and no matter what life brings to the front door of the ashram here on the hill, Mrs B and I will never give up on these treats...even if we have to save up for a glass of wine!



















Wednesday 6 February 2013

I Am Free Of All Prejudices...

...I hate everyone equally!

These words (attributed to WC Fields) came to mind as I watched a series of MP's talk about how they were neither homophobes nor bigots but did not believe that same sex couples should be granted an equal right to marry. There was a certain oleaginous quality to their delivery and it was like a verbal oil slick was being created in which they hoped all the pretty gay sea birds would be suffocated.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Hello everyone and welcome to the world of the Guru.

As I predicted yesterday to anyone who would listen, the fact that the House of Commons passed a vote (enabling the further passage of a bill which hopes to enact same sex marriage) has not stopped the sun from appearing this morning. The world continues to turn and in their comfy little burrows the Daily Mail readers are plotting their revenge!

As someone who has chosen to live life without god I made a decision some time ago not to argue about  her existence with those who are her followers. Each to their own. Religion and faith is a very private thing and in this country all are free to follow their chosen path and even have protection in law to do so. I refer to god as female because I have a theory she is called Christine and it was a bad translation somewhere that gave us Christine-anity.

I know that Christians are always bleating on about being discriminated against, especially when they are not allowed to be bigots and refuse to serve or help people they find offensive and unclean. The truth is that Christians are a protected species, they even have representation in the law making process of this country, this democratic country where all are equal under said law.

The Church of England is a very powerful organisation, headed by Mrs Queen of course. It is because of the Church of England's influence that I am not allowed to perform legally recognised marriage ceremonies but that's a debate for another day.

The Church of England and other churches believe that marriage is not really marriage unless you make a commitment to god and that it should be considered a holy estate. After the religious part of the ceremony of course, you sign the register and it is only that act that legally shows you are married in the eyes of the state. That's why registrars exist and that's why some choose to have a civil ceremony when they can commit to each other without Christine sat in the back of the room.

Much of the debate yesterday seemed to revolve around how churches would be forced to say nice things about nasty gay people and they didn't like the idea of having gay men up their aisles! The problem is that this bill does not force any church to carry out same sex marriage and even precludes the sacred beast that is the Church of England from considering doing so.

What's the fuss about then?

Why should we be so scared of allowing two men or two women to say 'I Do' and granting them the right to say they are married?

It's is bigotry - plain and simple.

I was asked to take part in a debate on the radio, as a supporter of equality in marriage I was asked to respond to the views of a lady vicar who used the bible as a defence of her bigotry. Homosexuality is a sin, Christine says so! She went on to say that god is like our father (I think she meant mother) and we should all be nice children and not break the rules laid out in the instruction manual for life called the bible. She then said how naughty children get punished, like those who commit the sins of theft and burglary will pay by going to jail.

My response was that people get sent to jail for committing crimes not sins and that these crimes were acts contrary to the law of the land and that we are all equal under the law. I also pointed out that if the bible was going to be useful as a tool we should at least acknowledge that over thousands of years and several translations the human race has changed it and that it should not be taken literally...or are we all creationists?

Those who love Christine are very quick to pick the bits from the bible that suit their own particular bigotry, they then seem to forget about the message of 'love for your fellow man, who was created in gods image'.

Even the bible thinks we are all equal so why shouldn't the law of the land treat us all as equal.

One of the other arguments put forward was that to redefine marriage would undermine the whole concept of what marriage is really about - the procreation of children. My response would be that there is no shortage of children in the world, many born out of wedlock and there are many married couples who have no children for a variety of reasons...are their marriages less valid? Are the little bastards not real children who need love and affection from their unmarried mums and dads? If there was no marriage there would still be children and the fact that modern families look different is again nothing to be scared of.

The bigots are clutching at straws and the simple truth is there are no logical reasons why equal marriage rights should not be available. There is no wedge of which this is the thin end, although I did hear some posh lady on Radio 4 saying that we'll be blessing threesomes next!

The bill will be debated and refined as it passes through the process of becoming law and eventually I expect Mrs Queen will be asked to sign her name to the bottom and she will do it because even though she is head of the church in England, she knows her duty to ALL the people of this country requires that final sign. In this country we can all aspire to be equal.


Have a nice day and if you are planning a wedding can I suggest you make sure you love each other more than you love god.












Wednesday 16 January 2013

Back In The Saddle

Greetings my fellow ice cubes - how cold is it where you are? It is well below freezing here on the hill and we have dispatched Mrs B with frost free windows and a hot water bottle. I shall be heading out later and I will be deploying a pullover and a scarf as well as a stock of mint humbugs taken from my christmas leftovers.

It has been 30 days since last we communed and it would have been longer but I had an electronic kick up the bottom from someone who misses the blog! Luckily it seems to be a good day to recommence my ramblings.

Anyone fancy a beef burger? Or perhaps I should ask if anyone fancies a burger - beef optional.

The discovery of horse meat in burgers has sent a wave of horror and repulsion through the whole nation and Tesco and many other purveyors of cheap rubbish, are clearing their shelves as we speak.

As a meat eater I must confess that I would never choose to eat horse knowingly, although having holidayed in France and Bulgaria I suspect that some of the meat we were served may have neighed rather than mooed.

We are a little hypocritical in this country with our food. We eat cows and chickens, pigs and little fluffy lambs, even goats, ducks, geese, rabbits, pigeons, hares, turkey, pheasant, boar, quail, guinea fowl, partridge and not forgetting Bambi. I love a Bambi-burger!

If you were hungry enough I bet you would be able to eat rat stew or squirrel fricassee, maybe even hedgehog cooked in mud.

Just about anything goes but not horses...or dogs. (Can I just say that if you do eat dogs I hope you choke on the collar).

Imagine the scenario, the weather is really bad...a UK style blizzard has struck and there is two or maybe three millimetres of snow on the roads and the whole country has ground to a halt. You are unable to get to the shops so you struggle to your freezer and clumsily you open the door.

(Clumsily because of the three pairs of woolly gloves you have on. Obviously not pensioners as they will be nice and toasty with the heating turned way up to 90 degrees thanks to the winter fuel payment).

You survey the contents of your freezer and realise that the only thing you have to eat is a Tesco value burger! It is a choice between starving to death or risking that a little bit of horse may be lurking behind the ground up bits of beef that did not make it into Waitrose premium burgers.

Could you do it?

Could you baste Black Beauty?

Could you curry Champion?

Could you fry Flicka?

Could you put The Pie in a pie?

Roast Red Rum or stewed Shergar anyone?

We only have ourselves to blame. If we insist on shopping in these awful places, if we don't care where the food comes from only how much it costs then we will end up with Dobbin and not Daisy on our plate.

So there we have it. I have spoken and if you don't like what I have said you can only blame yourself for reading it.

Hi Ho Silver...pass the gravy.