Monday 21 September 2015

Tales From Turkey

Greetings my loyal band of idiots...I have been prompted into writing a few words about our recent trip to Turkey and so please be prepared to be amused, amazed and aroused as I expose the truth about what people get up to on holiday in the vain belief that nobody is watching...I AM ALWAYS WATCHING!


So, let us begin this series of  pen portraits describing our weeks holiday in Turkey. I made notes about various aspects of the trip, from the British abroad, to the food, the hotel and the staff but as this holiday was mostly spent around the pool I want to start by talking about what people wear in and around a holiday pool.


Poolside attire…or The Things You See When You Haven’t Got Your Gun.

During the course of this recollection I will be talking about the poolside attire of ladies and I don’t want to be accused of sexism so I will begin by talking about the men who graced the pool at our hotel in Turkey.

Now, perhaps I’m a snob but I cannot stand people who wear swimming trunks when not in or near a swimming pool…seeing some ageing hairy fellow wandering through the foyer of a posh hotel, shirtless and wearing only swimming trunks and flip flops is just plain wrong! Put a shirt on man or cover yourself with the lovely soft white dressing gown that the hotel provides and which you will invariably smuggle back to the UK in your suitcase!

It’s bad enough the sights you see around a pool, but at least it is the proper place to see it.

I would never make that mistake, I always cover up when possible (it’s a Health & Safety requirement) but at the poolside I might remove my shirt and even my vest. If the temperature rises above 90 degrees I might even take my socks off.


Being a man of a certain outlook (and waistline) I long since decided that swimming shorts are the best suited attire for me when taking up the challenge of a swimming pool. I think it is much more savoury for others if you keep as much of yourself as possible tucked away out of sight - even under water!

You soon notice, when by a pool, that other gentleman no matter their age or physical appearance, have an opposite view and let as much as possible remain visible to others whilst swimming…or parading near a pool that they might eventually enter.

The dreaded ‘budgie smugglers’ were all too apparent during our week in Turkey and the majority of the gentlemen wearing them had big bellies which hung down in front, often obscuring the ‘budgies’ completely…so I suppose that is a good thing?

The other problem with speedo type trunks is that some gentlemen have rather too much to conceal within such a  small garment and this can cause issues for ladies (and some men). Imagine how disturbing and dangerous it can be if you are reclined on your sun bed and such a chap wanders by. Your eye line is just at the right/wrong height and I’m telling you that it can make you drop you frozen daiquiri as the lycra trunks strain to hold in what appears to be more of an ostrich than a budgie!

I think too big is better than too small (I’m talking about trunks now) and although you have a slight risk of them being left behind in the pool when you emerge, due to the amount of the pool you have soaked up, you can at least grab them easily and secure them whilst you drip back to your sun bed.

One excuse people use for deploying the lycra is that it dries quickly - well let me tell you in 90 degree heat, even the baggiest shorts dry quickly but if you wanted to change there were little changing cubicles in which you could slip into something less wet…so much easier than battling under a towel and flashing your hairy bum at passing Germans.

I guess that some ladies, and men, would find the sight of a handsome, tanned young man in skimpy trunks something that makes the holiday worthwhile? Well, let me tell you that they were very few of them on display around the pool on this occasion…what there was no shortage of was old, fat, hairy men who had forgotten their dignity when they packed their suitcases.

Now, moving on to the ladies…and let me start by reminding you that although Turkey is a secular state, it is a Muslim country and we were reminded of that around the swimming pool.

One couple in particular brought the whole issue into focus…the balding hairy backed husband wearing his little trunk and exposing far too much and his young slim wife, swimming gracefully in the pool in her designer Burqini….yes, a full head to toe burka designed for swimming. The only bit of that lady displayed to the world was her feet…although I didn’t look of course!

Now there is a separate debate to be had about the religious and sexual politics of such a garment but I must admit when I looked around the pool at what some other ladies were wearing, I was almost converted.

Let me again state, as a man I know I’m dipping my toe into dangerous waters, but some ladies need a friend who might just occasionally say - NO! It doesn’t suit you or even fit you!


Take the lady we christened Mrs Dick, (very un PC I know but be honest we all do it, giving strangers names to make talking about them behind their backs easier).

Mrs Dick was a morbidly obese lady who had no fear in displaying that fact to the world. Her choice of bikini left very little to the imagination and good for her I suppose, to be confident and proud enough to just lay there on the poolside…on two sun beds.

She, I could overlook, (if I stood up on tip toes) but the ladies who I found most difficult to deal with were those of any age or shape who insisted on wearing bikini  bottoms that were far too small!

It’s back to the eye line issue again - reclining with a book, you glance up and you see coming towards you something that looks like a small pack of spiders trying to devour a Dairy Lea triangle…do you get the picture?

Of course, many folk had the unfortunate experience of seeing me floating in the pool like some old grey whale looking for a beach to die on…and I apologise if I have over stepped the mark re ladies poolside attire but I have tried to be even handed and who knows, perhaps the time will come when we no longer care about the physical appearance of others, that we don't judge people by looks alone and we embrace the fact that beauty will come in many forms…..no, I suspect Burkini’s all around is more likely!

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