The View from the Hill on Saturday 17th April

And so the dust cloud continued to cover the earth, and meteors rained down from the heavens and people began to slowly realise that it was the end....there was a God and he had got really fed up of being ignored or denied and so in a fit of petulance he decided to wipe us all off the face of the earth and start again.

He did the same with the dinosaurs, came back from the Galaxy Arms  after one too many ciders and then made toast but left his grill on and the smoke covered the planet and choked the dinosaurs to death.

It is the apocalypse and we should look out for the Four Horsemen - death, famine, pestilence and Simon Cowell. OMG - Simon Cowell is back on TV tonight!!!!!

We need to check carefully to see if Louis Walsh has 666 tattooed on his arse. It's the mark of the beast I think - or it could be the number of times he has 'auditioned' a member for his 'boy band'.

I kid you not, somewhere in the world there will be some religious fanatic predicting that this is the end of the world, and it will be because people like me dared to poke fun at The Old Nazi and his crew or took the name of the Lord God in vain, which I did again this morning...oops!

Never mind, if this is the end of the world at least we won't have to worry about the national debt or petrol prices - you see with positive thinking you can always look on the bright side.

I just hope if they are going to televise the end of the world they let the BBC do it - imagine if it was Sky or ITV and the actual moment of armageddon came whilst we were on a commercial break for Go Compare!?

So, have a lovely last day on earth everyone, thanks for reading the blog and I am sorry if all of this is my fault - but if it is...what you going to do about it now?

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And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts
And I looked and behold, a pale horse
And his name that sat on him was Death
And Hell followed with him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhtcaRRngcw

The View from the Hill on Friday 16th April

Iceland owes the UK a couple of billion pounds after the collapse of the banks and now they are offering a trade - we drop our demand for the money and they will turn the volcano off.

It's the old 'ash for cash' scenario and I think they have got us by the court and Shirley's!

I didn't expect to enjoy the Leaders Debate - and I wasn't disappointed. Although Clegg did well, did we learn anything new?

Cameron is smarmy, Polyphemus resorts to facts and lies (especially about helicopters for the troops which I still think is unforgivable) and Clegg looks too young.

The organisers of the next two debates need to learn the lessons of this one and give more chances for the audience to question the responses given and the moderator needs to stamp on anyone not actually answering the question!

Next week on Sky we get International Affairs then in the final week we get Economic Affairs (oh dear).

Some dodgy ground next week for Clegg on the Middle East, some more questions about our policy in Afghanistan and then what will we do about North Korea and Iran.

Then the final week a whole 90 minutes hearing the  three of them ask for your money without really telling you what they are going to spend it on.

I think I would like to nail my colours to the donkey - I think that if Cameron doesn't up his game we are heading for a hung parliament because people might be more likely to vote Lib Dem - which is not always good for getting rid of Labour. For example, for the Lib Dems to win in my constituency, they need a huge swing whereas the Tories are close on the heels of the incumbent, Alan Meale-Ticket.

So if Cameron cannot steal those Lib Dem voters and if wavering Labour voters decide to stick with what they know, Mr Meale-Ticket will scrape home.

Do you think I could get a job as a political analyst? Could I be the new Robin Day - I have a bow tie!

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Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that change your life forever

Keri Russell

The View from the Hill on Thursday 15th April

As Britain lies under the approaching menace, airports are closed and little children are hidden under the stairs for safety, no it's not the cloud of volcanic ash, it's the leaders debate - all that hot air in one room could be devastating!

To watch or not to watch - this is the question of the day....because all the questions have been submitted in advance all we will get will be rehearsed answers and the only real reason to watch is for the killer answer or challenge that might make an appearance.

It might be nice if it all kicks off and Nick Clegg starts to bite Gordon Brown whilst Cameron screams like a little girl in the corner, now that would be worth wasting an hour and a half of your life!

Even though I already rattle with tablets for blood pressure and cholesterol and circulation, I now have to add two more to the list - I will soon need one of those sectional boxes for all the tablets - OMG I'm becoming my mother!

My GP has found a new tablet that helps with reducing blood pressure and I also have Meniere's Disease so I have tablets for that now. Meniere's Disease is just like having permanent seasickness and it comes and goes; annoying but not that bad.

The other new tablet though can cause dizziness and flushed cheeks with the possibility of swollen sore ankles! Of course as a fully paid up member of the Hypochondria Society I am bound to develop all of the side effects which is why Mrs B usually hides the information from me, quite rightly assuming that what I don't know will not hurt me.

I must be costing the NHS a fortune in drugs and as I hope to live a long time, I am swiftly becoming a drain on the economy - let's hope I'm not targeted as an area for cutbacks after the election.

Still not been canvassed at the door step yet, unless you count the Jehovah Witnesses - but I don't think they are standing for election.I might vote for them, at least you know what they stand for.

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Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, in human beings of whom they know nothing.

Voltaire

The View from the Hill on Wednesday 14th April

Exciting news - I have been invited to participate in a new exhibition at The Lakeside Arts venue in Nottingham - the sound installation is called Prayer and will be created by James Webb. Lots of different religions will be represented, the faithful reading prayers and they want a Humanist voice in the mix and they have asked me.

I have already started my research and because I don't want to seem ignorant of religion and dismiss it without good reason, I started to read the Bible but after one line I stopped because there are some questions I would like answering.

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth" - you see - so many questions!

If this is the beginning, where did God come from? What had he been doing up until that point? Where did he live? He hadn't created heaven so where did he live?

If there are any creationists out there please help me - I know I'm part of the Humanist Secularist conspiracy in your eyes, but I want to try and understand. Where did God come from?

Is there a prequel to The Bible we have not yet been shown? The bit where God is born a poor illiterate astral gypsy in a neighbouring universe and because there is no work in the area he decides to do a Norman Tebbitt and get on his celestial bike until he finds a nice piece of nothingness and decides to start creating?

You see I want so badly to understand religion but it confuses me, if only I could be like the faithful and just accept it all on face value as the revealed truth of God, wouldn't life be easier?

Oh well, I better start looking for a Humanist prayer to record for Mr Webb - Amen.

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Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky.

John Lennon

The View from the Hill on Tuesday 13th April

I wish I had a manifesto to launch, it looks like fun!

Here is my definition of a manifesto - before an election it is a list of promises and pledges but after an election it is a list of broken promises and forgotten pledges.

This election does seem to be about simpler things - like how many of the smug bastards can we upset by not re-electing them.

No leaflets through the door yet, no canvassing for my vote, although I have been told that once upon a  time a Tory leaflet got posted through the door and the poster was horrified to see Jake tear it up and eat it!
Jake will be voting Green - loves his recycling, especially good with food scraps.

We collected Danny's ashes yesterday and now we start the search for a suitable place to keep them - he's in a quite nice light coloured wooden box with a little brass effect plaque on which is written his name - Mrs B has him near the radiator in the dining room as this was a favourite place for him to sleep.

It still seems strange to walk into a room and not see him laid out, he did a very good sprawl, but I suppose in time we will.

Well that's about it for today, I have to shoot across to Ollerton for a funeral which is bound to develop into a family dispute and then back home to write and plan next week.

If I have a spare hour I might try and write a manifesto!

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      “Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even when there are no rivers.”

Khrushchev

The View from the Hill on Monday 12th April

I must pay the credit card bill today....

I asked this question of the JP this morning, where in life do we get a guarantee or even a promise of any happiness in life?

I don't want to feed anyones self loathing or nihilism but especially for those of us who don't believe in an afterlife, this one life scenario is scary because it doesn't come with any do-overs or guarantees of success.

Nudging 50 is scary, you realise that more of your life is behind you than in front and even though you tell yourself there are things yet to do, in truth you know you are coasting towards that final lay-by on the journey of life.

It should be freeing shouldn't it - it should be liberating in the extreme but we are all bound up with the rules of living and so enjoying yourself too much is not really allowed.

Perhaps the only exception is Michael Winner whose interview with Prick Morgan was very entertaining. Even he admitted that getting old was a pain in the arse and that in some ways life was less fulfilling than the days of his youth and middle age.

But back to normal folk - the British disease is the need to own things, the need to have a house and to furnish it - hence a credit card bill needs paying - to make a nest for our family and ourselves that allows us then to preen like some cock pheasant and sing at the sun every morning telling the world that we did it!

But that disease is killing us all, the need to own things and to have all of those bricks and mortar consumes our days and drives us on meaning we forget that perhaps there are other things we can do with life - I'm not saying we all turn into cuckoos (I think the bird metaphor has taken over) but there must be other options.


Now I'm lost - what was the point of this blog?


Oh yes, life is miserable, life is hard and the fact that a few people make something of it only makes life for the rest of us more unbearable but you know it has been and will always be the same - and there does come a point in life where you have to accept the reality of life is nothing like what you see in the brochure.

This blog isn't aimed at the JP nor at anyone, it's just me telling you that from my experience it is not possible to build a perfect life, it's not even possible to build a life that is half decent all of the time, what is possible is acceptance - as someone once taught me 'why spend time worrying about things you cannot control'?

I'm not sure what in life is totally within my control other than what I do, say, think - and I think life is miserable, but it is my life and my misery and occasionally I still sing at the sun - and no matter what else I say about this living this life, it is better than the alternative.

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You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave.

Quentin Crisp

The View from the Hill on Sunday 11th April

Happy Birthday Mrs B - a day of mixed emotions I know.

It is Sunday and I think it only right that I have a pot shot at religion - the Old Nazi is obviously not as respected as previous Popes because someone in the Vatican is allowing these stories about his handling of paedophiles to rumble on. Actually, that's another story isn't it - The Pope handling paedophiles?

Is it paedophile or pedophile?

Anyway, not my main point today - let me tell you why the spread of christianity in certain cultures is a bad thing.

Picture the scene, in the Arizona desert lives an old proud Navajo. He has kept a few sheep on a little piece of land for many years, he lives in a traditional Navajo hogan without modern amenities. By trading with his neighbours he manages to make a simple yet hard life for himself. He never owed anyone anything, he never owned a great deal of fancy things but he was content - this is the life he lived.

Then along comes the proselytising ministers of the Christian church and they decide to help this poor heathen have a better life with Jesus.

They move the old man to a newly constructed little bungalow with all the mod cons you can imagine - but to do so, the man has to give up his sheep.

He is given a fair market value for them and for the first time has a little money in his pocket and his new friends in the church teach him to praise the lord for his deliverance from his hard life.

Then the first bills arrive, for the water, for the electricity, for other things that he never asked for, had never needed but now he has to pay for. But then the cruelest bill of all arrives.

The money soon goes, and now his new friends in the church help him get a little support from the government and for the first time in his life the old man has lost that thing that made him a man - his self respect. But he still has Jesus, according to the church, what more does he need?

The old proud Navajo dies and is given a christian burial - how lucky was he that the church found him and lifted him out of his hard life?


The Navajo are a very giving people, they have a saying about guests which is to always presume they are cold and hungry and to act accordingly, and basically the Christian church has knocked that glorious spirit out of them and turned them into - well, shadows of their proud former self.

No doubt those of you who go to church might say a prayer for them - I just wish we could have left them to tend their little flock undisturbed.

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In harmony may I walk.
With harmony before me may I walk.
With harmony behind me may I walk.
With harmony above me may I walk.
With harmony underneath my feet, may I walk.
With harmony all around me may I walk.
It is done in harmony.


Navajo Prayer