3 months - how have you all coped?
After such a long hiatus I expect you have rushed to this latest post thinking you will learn something really important about life and death...and you would not be wrong. What I have to say could change the world and indeed save the world from destruction! You can't get more important than that.
Old people and dogs... after deep contemplation and hours of sleep deprivation I have decided they are a very dangerous combination and should be banned for a variety of reasons which I shall now explain.
I love dogs; they are often easier to get on with than people, and as I drive about my ever growing parish I often see dogs being walked by a variety of people young and old.
Just today though I saw a very old lady walking a very beautiful Shetland sheepdog by the side of a very busy road. The poor old lady was struggling to put one foot in front of another and the dog was very patiently plodding along, occasionally looking back at her owner thinking 'I wish I had that much hair on my chin'!
The dog looked about 2 or 3 which is teenage in human terms I suppose. The old lady looked about 476 in dog years.
I think dogs like old people because they smell of biscuits and if the dogs wee on them nobody can tell. Old people like dogs because they can buy dog food and pretend it's for the dog.
Old people are really spoiled in the UK and they are all rolling in it...although you can get pads for that now.
But we have to stop worrying about old people and worry about the dogs!
It occurred to me that the poor old lady could die at any second, and if she did what would happen to the dog? If the lady fell and in doing so released the lead, what would happen to the dog?
It could run into the road and get killed or it might cause an accident in which a car might swerve to miss the dog and run over the semi conscious pensioner!
Now what if the car mounted the pavement narrowly missing the old lady but swerves back into the road and collided with a lorry coming the other way? And what if that lorry was carrying a nuclear bomb - the result could be the total obliteration of the human race.
And all because some old dear was selfish enough to own a dog.
I'm already planning my letter to the Prime Minister telling him to stop worrying about equal marriage because if he doesn't do something about the pensioner pooch scenario nobody will be getting married - we'll all be dead.
It's totally logical and I cannot see any clear argument against my proposition.
I think UKIP will soon have this as official policy although initially they will start by banning pensioners from any dog except British Bulldogs.
We have to protect dogs from the elderly and in doing so we can save the world - will you join me in this crusade?
If you wish to support my campaign please send all the money you can spare to:
The Guru Drew
Save Our Dogs - Screw Our Pensioners.
Must go now... the ward orderly is telling me my computer privileges are being suspended.
See you in 3 months.
Monday, 3 June 2013
Thursday, 2 May 2013
No...I'm Not Dead
I know I have been absent from your lives for a little while but I do intend to return as soon as the spring sunshine has fully restored my sap.
Rest easy my little flock - the Guru is close by.
Rest easy my little flock - the Guru is close by.
Sunday, 3 March 2013
Merrily We Roll Along
These all too infrequent contacts are really very precious to me but in recent weeks I have been so very busy advising the Pope on his retirement plans that I just have not had time to sit down and communicate with the little people in my life.
Let me remedy this oversight by taking a little of my valuable time to disseminate some wisdom very much as a seagull disseminates wisdom on unsuspecting holiday makers in Blackpool.
Life has this habit of just happening, no matter our plans life just shows up at the door and no matter how many security bolts we have, we eventually have to let it in.
This week, for example, Mrs B has had a terrible cold. Her headaches and blocked nose, her difficulty in sleeping, her general feeling of poorliness have been hard to witness...so I tried to look away as often as I could.
I had suffered an even worse cold the week before but of course nobody would have known as I never mentioned it and bravely battled on being the proud Guru you all love and respect.
In the midst of all this misery and suffering, the tumble drier started to play up. Goodness knows how we managed to dry clothes before the invention of tumble driers?
I found a solution - I decided to dry the clothes outside on a line stretched between two poles. I used these clips or pegs to secure the washing in place and I really had to pat myself on the back for having the ingenuity for solving this problem. I think I might take this invention onto The Dragons Den.
First minor emergency avoided but then at 10.30pm on Friday night, the dishwasher died. It didn't go with a whimper either, a real bang, blowing the fuses and issuing a smoky cough from within its 10 year old machinery.
I immediately contemplated hanging the plates and wine glasses from the newly invented washing line in the garden but decided against it after struggling to peg a saucepan up.
Mrs B was having a panic attack which on top of her cold was making drinking wine almost impossible so I promised her that she would not have to put her hands in a washing up bowl and we would buy a new dishwasher. She calmed down.
I wish someone had been there to calm me down earlier in the week when I had to fork out for two new tyres!
So, it had been a stressful week and now we arrived at the weekend and we decided to take the advice of Petula Clark and go down town...to London.
A real treat, one of our semi-regular theatre trips to the West End - or in this case Southwark.
We drove to East Midlands Parkway, we boarded our train (First Class of course) and 90 minutes later we arrived in London. We found a friendly London cabbie who drove us to St Paul's Cathedral where we found a Pizza Express. The restaurant is not in St Paul's just nearby.
Using Pizza Express on these trips to London is a tradition but I can totally recommend that you avoid this branch like the plague! We had a very pleasant waiter and the vino arrived quickly enough but Mrs B's pizza was terrible. Luckily there was an M&S food shop over the road.
We then walked down from St Paul's, over the Millennium Bridge to the South Bank, walking past the Tate Modern and Shakespeare's Globe. In the shadow of The Shard, we navigated the sides streets until we emerged at our destination, The Menier Chocolate Factory.
In the basement of this building is a theatre, it seats 180 patrons on benches that really only fit 165 patrons! It was a tight squeeze.
The show was Merrily We Roll Along by Stephen Sondheim.
It's a very simple story of three friends but being Sondheim he tells the story backwards, so we start at the end of the friendship and the story gradually progresses backwards.
The end of the play is the beginning of the story and it finds the three main protagonists on a rooftop in New York. This final scene when the three friends are looking forward to a life where they will do it all is very poignant considering that we know how it ends.
The songs are good, the acting was super...it was all terrific and spoiled by just one thing. The seating.
The fact that Mrs B and I had to cuddle throughout the show was no problem although it did make reaching for the sweets a little harder - what bugged me was the woman on my other side who jiffled all the way through the show! She was a big girl too with huge...shoulders.
Anyway, we loved the show and after it ended we walked back over the Millennium Bridge in the gathering darkness, the surrounding sights of London now illuminated, lovely to see. We found another friendly London cabbie and returned to St Pancras railway station where with an hour to spare we sat ourselves in the bar and ordered two glasses of wine...£28.
That sort of finished the week nicely.
Going to the theatre is very much part of our lives and no matter what life brings to the front door of the ashram here on the hill, Mrs B and I will never give up on these treats...even if we have to save up for a glass of wine!
Let me remedy this oversight by taking a little of my valuable time to disseminate some wisdom very much as a seagull disseminates wisdom on unsuspecting holiday makers in Blackpool.
Life has this habit of just happening, no matter our plans life just shows up at the door and no matter how many security bolts we have, we eventually have to let it in.
This week, for example, Mrs B has had a terrible cold. Her headaches and blocked nose, her difficulty in sleeping, her general feeling of poorliness have been hard to witness...so I tried to look away as often as I could.
I had suffered an even worse cold the week before but of course nobody would have known as I never mentioned it and bravely battled on being the proud Guru you all love and respect.
In the midst of all this misery and suffering, the tumble drier started to play up. Goodness knows how we managed to dry clothes before the invention of tumble driers?
I found a solution - I decided to dry the clothes outside on a line stretched between two poles. I used these clips or pegs to secure the washing in place and I really had to pat myself on the back for having the ingenuity for solving this problem. I think I might take this invention onto The Dragons Den.
First minor emergency avoided but then at 10.30pm on Friday night, the dishwasher died. It didn't go with a whimper either, a real bang, blowing the fuses and issuing a smoky cough from within its 10 year old machinery.
I immediately contemplated hanging the plates and wine glasses from the newly invented washing line in the garden but decided against it after struggling to peg a saucepan up.
Mrs B was having a panic attack which on top of her cold was making drinking wine almost impossible so I promised her that she would not have to put her hands in a washing up bowl and we would buy a new dishwasher. She calmed down.
I wish someone had been there to calm me down earlier in the week when I had to fork out for two new tyres!
So, it had been a stressful week and now we arrived at the weekend and we decided to take the advice of Petula Clark and go down town...to London.
A real treat, one of our semi-regular theatre trips to the West End - or in this case Southwark.
We drove to East Midlands Parkway, we boarded our train (First Class of course) and 90 minutes later we arrived in London. We found a friendly London cabbie who drove us to St Paul's Cathedral where we found a Pizza Express. The restaurant is not in St Paul's just nearby.
Using Pizza Express on these trips to London is a tradition but I can totally recommend that you avoid this branch like the plague! We had a very pleasant waiter and the vino arrived quickly enough but Mrs B's pizza was terrible. Luckily there was an M&S food shop over the road.
We then walked down from St Paul's, over the Millennium Bridge to the South Bank, walking past the Tate Modern and Shakespeare's Globe. In the shadow of The Shard, we navigated the sides streets until we emerged at our destination, The Menier Chocolate Factory.
In the basement of this building is a theatre, it seats 180 patrons on benches that really only fit 165 patrons! It was a tight squeeze.
The show was Merrily We Roll Along by Stephen Sondheim.
It's a very simple story of three friends but being Sondheim he tells the story backwards, so we start at the end of the friendship and the story gradually progresses backwards.
The end of the play is the beginning of the story and it finds the three main protagonists on a rooftop in New York. This final scene when the three friends are looking forward to a life where they will do it all is very poignant considering that we know how it ends.
The songs are good, the acting was super...it was all terrific and spoiled by just one thing. The seating.
The fact that Mrs B and I had to cuddle throughout the show was no problem although it did make reaching for the sweets a little harder - what bugged me was the woman on my other side who jiffled all the way through the show! She was a big girl too with huge...shoulders.
Anyway, we loved the show and after it ended we walked back over the Millennium Bridge in the gathering darkness, the surrounding sights of London now illuminated, lovely to see. We found another friendly London cabbie and returned to St Pancras railway station where with an hour to spare we sat ourselves in the bar and ordered two glasses of wine...£28.
That sort of finished the week nicely.
Going to the theatre is very much part of our lives and no matter what life brings to the front door of the ashram here on the hill, Mrs B and I will never give up on these treats...even if we have to save up for a glass of wine!
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
I Am Free Of All Prejudices...
...I hate everyone equally!
These words (attributed to WC Fields) came to mind as I watched a series of MP's talk about how they were neither homophobes nor bigots but did not believe that same sex couples should be granted an equal right to marry. There was a certain oleaginous quality to their delivery and it was like a verbal oil slick was being created in which they hoped all the pretty gay sea birds would be suffocated.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Hello everyone and welcome to the world of the Guru.
As I predicted yesterday to anyone who would listen, the fact that the House of Commons passed a vote (enabling the further passage of a bill which hopes to enact same sex marriage) has not stopped the sun from appearing this morning. The world continues to turn and in their comfy little burrows the Daily Mail readers are plotting their revenge!
As someone who has chosen to live life without god I made a decision some time ago not to argue about her existence with those who are her followers. Each to their own. Religion and faith is a very private thing and in this country all are free to follow their chosen path and even have protection in law to do so. I refer to god as female because I have a theory she is called Christine and it was a bad translation somewhere that gave us Christine-anity.
I know that Christians are always bleating on about being discriminated against, especially when they are not allowed to be bigots and refuse to serve or help people they find offensive and unclean. The truth is that Christians are a protected species, they even have representation in the law making process of this country, this democratic country where all are equal under said law.
The Church of England is a very powerful organisation, headed by Mrs Queen of course. It is because of the Church of England's influence that I am not allowed to perform legally recognised marriage ceremonies but that's a debate for another day.
The Church of England and other churches believe that marriage is not really marriage unless you make a commitment to god and that it should be considered a holy estate. After the religious part of the ceremony of course, you sign the register and it is only that act that legally shows you are married in the eyes of the state. That's why registrars exist and that's why some choose to have a civil ceremony when they can commit to each other without Christine sat in the back of the room.
Much of the debate yesterday seemed to revolve around how churches would be forced to say nice things about nasty gay people and they didn't like the idea of having gay men up their aisles! The problem is that this bill does not force any church to carry out same sex marriage and even precludes the sacred beast that is the Church of England from considering doing so.
What's the fuss about then?
Why should we be so scared of allowing two men or two women to say 'I Do' and granting them the right to say they are married?
It's is bigotry - plain and simple.
I was asked to take part in a debate on the radio, as a supporter of equality in marriage I was asked to respond to the views of a lady vicar who used the bible as a defence of her bigotry. Homosexuality is a sin, Christine says so! She went on to say that god is like our father (I think she meant mother) and we should all be nice children and not break the rules laid out in the instruction manual for life called the bible. She then said how naughty children get punished, like those who commit the sins of theft and burglary will pay by going to jail.
My response was that people get sent to jail for committing crimes not sins and that these crimes were acts contrary to the law of the land and that we are all equal under the law. I also pointed out that if the bible was going to be useful as a tool we should at least acknowledge that over thousands of years and several translations the human race has changed it and that it should not be taken literally...or are we all creationists?
Those who love Christine are very quick to pick the bits from the bible that suit their own particular bigotry, they then seem to forget about the message of 'love for your fellow man, who was created in gods image'.
Even the bible thinks we are all equal so why shouldn't the law of the land treat us all as equal.
One of the other arguments put forward was that to redefine marriage would undermine the whole concept of what marriage is really about - the procreation of children. My response would be that there is no shortage of children in the world, many born out of wedlock and there are many married couples who have no children for a variety of reasons...are their marriages less valid? Are the little bastards not real children who need love and affection from their unmarried mums and dads? If there was no marriage there would still be children and the fact that modern families look different is again nothing to be scared of.
The bigots are clutching at straws and the simple truth is there are no logical reasons why equal marriage rights should not be available. There is no wedge of which this is the thin end, although I did hear some posh lady on Radio 4 saying that we'll be blessing threesomes next!
The bill will be debated and refined as it passes through the process of becoming law and eventually I expect Mrs Queen will be asked to sign her name to the bottom and she will do it because even though she is head of the church in England, she knows her duty to ALL the people of this country requires that final sign. In this country we can all aspire to be equal.
Have a nice day and if you are planning a wedding can I suggest you make sure you love each other more than you love god.
These words (attributed to WC Fields) came to mind as I watched a series of MP's talk about how they were neither homophobes nor bigots but did not believe that same sex couples should be granted an equal right to marry. There was a certain oleaginous quality to their delivery and it was like a verbal oil slick was being created in which they hoped all the pretty gay sea birds would be suffocated.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Hello everyone and welcome to the world of the Guru.
As I predicted yesterday to anyone who would listen, the fact that the House of Commons passed a vote (enabling the further passage of a bill which hopes to enact same sex marriage) has not stopped the sun from appearing this morning. The world continues to turn and in their comfy little burrows the Daily Mail readers are plotting their revenge!
As someone who has chosen to live life without god I made a decision some time ago not to argue about her existence with those who are her followers. Each to their own. Religion and faith is a very private thing and in this country all are free to follow their chosen path and even have protection in law to do so. I refer to god as female because I have a theory she is called Christine and it was a bad translation somewhere that gave us Christine-anity.
I know that Christians are always bleating on about being discriminated against, especially when they are not allowed to be bigots and refuse to serve or help people they find offensive and unclean. The truth is that Christians are a protected species, they even have representation in the law making process of this country, this democratic country where all are equal under said law.
The Church of England is a very powerful organisation, headed by Mrs Queen of course. It is because of the Church of England's influence that I am not allowed to perform legally recognised marriage ceremonies but that's a debate for another day.
The Church of England and other churches believe that marriage is not really marriage unless you make a commitment to god and that it should be considered a holy estate. After the religious part of the ceremony of course, you sign the register and it is only that act that legally shows you are married in the eyes of the state. That's why registrars exist and that's why some choose to have a civil ceremony when they can commit to each other without Christine sat in the back of the room.
Much of the debate yesterday seemed to revolve around how churches would be forced to say nice things about nasty gay people and they didn't like the idea of having gay men up their aisles! The problem is that this bill does not force any church to carry out same sex marriage and even precludes the sacred beast that is the Church of England from considering doing so.
What's the fuss about then?
Why should we be so scared of allowing two men or two women to say 'I Do' and granting them the right to say they are married?
It's is bigotry - plain and simple.
I was asked to take part in a debate on the radio, as a supporter of equality in marriage I was asked to respond to the views of a lady vicar who used the bible as a defence of her bigotry. Homosexuality is a sin, Christine says so! She went on to say that god is like our father (I think she meant mother) and we should all be nice children and not break the rules laid out in the instruction manual for life called the bible. She then said how naughty children get punished, like those who commit the sins of theft and burglary will pay by going to jail.
My response was that people get sent to jail for committing crimes not sins and that these crimes were acts contrary to the law of the land and that we are all equal under the law. I also pointed out that if the bible was going to be useful as a tool we should at least acknowledge that over thousands of years and several translations the human race has changed it and that it should not be taken literally...or are we all creationists?
Those who love Christine are very quick to pick the bits from the bible that suit their own particular bigotry, they then seem to forget about the message of 'love for your fellow man, who was created in gods image'.
Even the bible thinks we are all equal so why shouldn't the law of the land treat us all as equal.
One of the other arguments put forward was that to redefine marriage would undermine the whole concept of what marriage is really about - the procreation of children. My response would be that there is no shortage of children in the world, many born out of wedlock and there are many married couples who have no children for a variety of reasons...are their marriages less valid? Are the little bastards not real children who need love and affection from their unmarried mums and dads? If there was no marriage there would still be children and the fact that modern families look different is again nothing to be scared of.
The bigots are clutching at straws and the simple truth is there are no logical reasons why equal marriage rights should not be available. There is no wedge of which this is the thin end, although I did hear some posh lady on Radio 4 saying that we'll be blessing threesomes next!
The bill will be debated and refined as it passes through the process of becoming law and eventually I expect Mrs Queen will be asked to sign her name to the bottom and she will do it because even though she is head of the church in England, she knows her duty to ALL the people of this country requires that final sign. In this country we can all aspire to be equal.
Have a nice day and if you are planning a wedding can I suggest you make sure you love each other more than you love god.
Wednesday, 16 January 2013
Back In The Saddle
Greetings my fellow ice cubes - how cold is it where you are? It is well below freezing here on the hill and we have dispatched Mrs B with frost free windows and a hot water bottle. I shall be heading out later and I will be deploying a pullover and a scarf as well as a stock of mint humbugs taken from my christmas leftovers.
It has been 30 days since last we communed and it would have been longer but I had an electronic kick up the bottom from someone who misses the blog! Luckily it seems to be a good day to recommence my ramblings.
Anyone fancy a beef burger? Or perhaps I should ask if anyone fancies a burger - beef optional.
The discovery of horse meat in burgers has sent a wave of horror and repulsion through the whole nation and Tesco and many other purveyors of cheap rubbish, are clearing their shelves as we speak.
As a meat eater I must confess that I would never choose to eat horse knowingly, although having holidayed in France and Bulgaria I suspect that some of the meat we were served may have neighed rather than mooed.
We are a little hypocritical in this country with our food. We eat cows and chickens, pigs and little fluffy lambs, even goats, ducks, geese, rabbits, pigeons, hares, turkey, pheasant, boar, quail, guinea fowl, partridge and not forgetting Bambi. I love a Bambi-burger!
If you were hungry enough I bet you would be able to eat rat stew or squirrel fricassee, maybe even hedgehog cooked in mud.
Just about anything goes but not horses...or dogs. (Can I just say that if you do eat dogs I hope you choke on the collar).
Imagine the scenario, the weather is really bad...a UK style blizzard has struck and there is two or maybe three millimetres of snow on the roads and the whole country has ground to a halt. You are unable to get to the shops so you struggle to your freezer and clumsily you open the door.
(Clumsily because of the three pairs of woolly gloves you have on. Obviously not pensioners as they will be nice and toasty with the heating turned way up to 90 degrees thanks to the winter fuel payment).
You survey the contents of your freezer and realise that the only thing you have to eat is a Tesco value burger! It is a choice between starving to death or risking that a little bit of horse may be lurking behind the ground up bits of beef that did not make it into Waitrose premium burgers.
Could you do it?
Could you baste Black Beauty?
Could you curry Champion?
Could you fry Flicka?
Could you put The Pie in a pie?
Roast Red Rum or stewed Shergar anyone?
We only have ourselves to blame. If we insist on shopping in these awful places, if we don't care where the food comes from only how much it costs then we will end up with Dobbin and not Daisy on our plate.
So there we have it. I have spoken and if you don't like what I have said you can only blame yourself for reading it.
Hi Ho Silver...pass the gravy.
It has been 30 days since last we communed and it would have been longer but I had an electronic kick up the bottom from someone who misses the blog! Luckily it seems to be a good day to recommence my ramblings.
Anyone fancy a beef burger? Or perhaps I should ask if anyone fancies a burger - beef optional.
The discovery of horse meat in burgers has sent a wave of horror and repulsion through the whole nation and Tesco and many other purveyors of cheap rubbish, are clearing their shelves as we speak.
As a meat eater I must confess that I would never choose to eat horse knowingly, although having holidayed in France and Bulgaria I suspect that some of the meat we were served may have neighed rather than mooed.
We are a little hypocritical in this country with our food. We eat cows and chickens, pigs and little fluffy lambs, even goats, ducks, geese, rabbits, pigeons, hares, turkey, pheasant, boar, quail, guinea fowl, partridge and not forgetting Bambi. I love a Bambi-burger!
If you were hungry enough I bet you would be able to eat rat stew or squirrel fricassee, maybe even hedgehog cooked in mud.
Just about anything goes but not horses...or dogs. (Can I just say that if you do eat dogs I hope you choke on the collar).
Imagine the scenario, the weather is really bad...a UK style blizzard has struck and there is two or maybe three millimetres of snow on the roads and the whole country has ground to a halt. You are unable to get to the shops so you struggle to your freezer and clumsily you open the door.
(Clumsily because of the three pairs of woolly gloves you have on. Obviously not pensioners as they will be nice and toasty with the heating turned way up to 90 degrees thanks to the winter fuel payment).
You survey the contents of your freezer and realise that the only thing you have to eat is a Tesco value burger! It is a choice between starving to death or risking that a little bit of horse may be lurking behind the ground up bits of beef that did not make it into Waitrose premium burgers.
Could you do it?
Could you baste Black Beauty?
Could you curry Champion?
Could you fry Flicka?
Could you put The Pie in a pie?
Roast Red Rum or stewed Shergar anyone?
We only have ourselves to blame. If we insist on shopping in these awful places, if we don't care where the food comes from only how much it costs then we will end up with Dobbin and not Daisy on our plate.
So there we have it. I have spoken and if you don't like what I have said you can only blame yourself for reading it.
Hi Ho Silver...pass the gravy.
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