You Gotta Get A Gimmick

Calm down, don't panic - I know I don't usually reach down from the comfort of my hilltop retreat on Friday mornings but today I had the urge to touch someone in that special way.

Let me begin by stating my admiration for the professionalism and sacrifice of Marie Colvin, the greatest war correspondent of her generation and a great loss to the world of truth, especially uncomfortable truth.

The death of a genuine world class journalist comes in the same week that Rupert Mudrock (I know what I wrote) launches The Sun on Sunday. Well, I didn't read the weekly editions so I guess I won't be rushing out to buy this down market rag full of gossip and breasts.

I have heard it said that we need as many newspapers as possible because 'information is the oxygen of democracy' (Cristina Odone -  BBC Question Time 23/2/12). To be honest, I think I would rather be short of breath than read The Sun.

I suppose that Mudrock is trying to re-brand after all the bad press his papers have been getting but perhaps he needs to think outside the box or perhaps he needs to think inside a box...do we have a box?

People say that you need an edge these days, you need that USP if you are going to get ahead but maybe you don't have to be different, you just have to be better than the rest?

Perhaps that is why Marie Colvin was so respected, because she strove to be the best and provide the best independent news of what was really happening in the world.




What else has been in the news this week? Tesco employing slave labour, Adele getting cut off in her prime, Frank Carson dies, the Health Bill still causing major headaches for the government, Obama sings the blues, Whitney's funeral, Lord Carey rallying the righteous to oppose gay marriage...just some of the stories that caught my eye.

I cannot let a story about Tesco pass by without comment...if I understand the story correctly, young people on jobseekers allowance are being offered work experience at Tesco (and other places) where they also get paid expenses and learn valuable social skills like talking to people, getting up in the morning and having a work ethic. Sadly at Tesco they are not taught to brush their teeth or wash.

I also understand that 50% of those who have taken this opportunity have gone on to get full time work.

Sounds like a terrible idea and I think we should boycott Tesco!!!

Some of the companies involved are already pulling out because of negative news coverage so I would ask those who are against a scheme that seems to work, what's their big idea? What do they suggest will engender a work ethic in young people who see no benefit in working when you can get benefit for not working?

To compare it to slavery also seems a little preposterous, I don't think slaves actually went home at night I think their employers kept them chained up in the back yard somewhere. Are Tesco keeping teenagers in the cold storage overnight?


Poor old Frank Carson, a man renowned for his timing decides to die on the day when someone more interesting and famous also lost their life. He may have been dead funny but like so many other great comedians, he won't be as funny, dead.

Didn't watch the Brit Awards, don't care if Adele couldn't finish her speech, especially if it was in that awful accented common manner that she uses.  Did go and see The King's Speech at the theatre and that was magnificent.

Didn't watch Whitney's funeral but I did get a call saying that one of my funerals was so well received that the Royal British Legion want to use it as a talking point when dealing with ex-military personnel.

When I started out as funeral celebrant I followed the rule book quite closely but as I grew more confident in my ability I threw the rule book away and just started to be me...and isn't that the greatest gimmick of all?

OK, well Friday awaits and there is plenty to do...one final message to a very avid reader in Mountain View, California - who are you?

There are no secrets in this cyber world, I can stalk all of you with my tracking device.

Mountain View sounds like a place I would love, so dear Mountain View reader, please get in touch with me here on the Hill.

Every Day A Little Death

Good morning and welcome - sorry to say that the Guru has his serious head on this morning.

The death of Whitney Houston has been very widely reported in the media all this week, likewise the arrangements for her funeral which was shown around the world.

I listened to some worthy soul on the news complaining how a funeral being broadcast in such a manner is offensive but just this week I conducted a funeral for a young man which was webcast live so that those who could not attend in person were still able to feel part of the event.

We should embrace modern media and technology and make it work for us, not be scared of it.

The death of Whitney Houston kicked off many debates in which the recent demise of the likes of Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson were recalled, the recurring theme being the tragedy of an early death due to the vicissitudes of their lives. There was also a great deal of talk about addiction.

During the course of this week I have had cause to consider all of these points when one of my Twitter followers posted that they had no sympathy for Whitney - "she brought it on herself".

The correspondent went on to say they had "no time for people with addictions" as they "care nothing but for themselves". Of course we do not know if Ms. Houston's death was caused by addiction but her story does lead one to think that this might be a possible contributing factor.

Sadly there are some who become addicts through totally selfish behaviour, but there are equally some who become addicts for other reasons.

Let us consider a young man who served his country in the Army. Here is a man who was regularly faced with many incidents that we would be hard pressed to think about. Not only did he have to think about them, he had to deal with them. The death of close friends, the mayhem of war, life and death decisions being made and then having to live with the consequences.

I don't think that there is any surprise that the young man might turn to drink in order to drown his sorrows, that drinking himself into a stupor was just a way of escaping the images in his head.

What is a surprise is that upon leaving the Army any support system he had was taken away and he was left abandoned in our world. As a nation we shout about our pride for our servicemen and women -  but that pride doesn't stretch to supporting them much after they leave.

We should all be ashamed that a young man who did his job for his country, who served his military and political masters without question, should be abandoned to his fate in such a way.

I think the Army could do more and I don't discount that personal responsibility is part of the answer but to not be able to access any support through the NHS due to various constraints and bureaucracies seems very unfair.

Of course the reason I know all these facts is that I conducted his funeral. He was 38 and he leaves behind a family who are still numb with the shock and angry, very angry, that no one was there to listen to the cries for help from their son, husband, brother and father.

I don't suppose for one moment that this was an isolated case, I would guess there are many others who are living through a similar hell but when they fall by the wayside there probably will not be a news team and a camera crew on hand to film every sad part of the funeral.  Their names will not be added to the list of Houston, Jackson, Winehouse and Co.

Do we only honour and remember the famous addicts then?

Everybody Says Don't...

It's been a very negative week, so today I want to try and be positive and allow you all to bask in the uplifting spirit of my wisdom.

First a quick update on my progress through the bible - it has been slow going, not least because I am also reading Fatal Revenant by Stephen R Donaldson (the second book in the final chronicles of Thomas Covenant).

It's about a group of travellers searching a dangerous land, fighting a terrible scourge and looking for the weapon of truth that will help them beat evil.  In the bible I'm just dealing with Moses dragging his cronies into the wilderness after his god has been playing silly buggers with Pharaoh.

The god of Moses was cruel and was doing his best to become the supreme power but I did notice that the power of other gods was acknowledged so perhaps this was just a bit of supernatural schoolyard bullying with Moses leading the cheers 'cos my god's fiercer than your god'.

If any of you have not read the bible I suggest you don't bother - let me explain it all for you as I go along and if you want to read a fantasy novel, try Lord Foul's Bane by Donaldson - the opening title in a ten book cycle that was first published in 1977 and hopefully draws to a conclusion in 2013.


Have you noticed the negative vibes in the air this week?

Don't give the bonus the to the bank chairman...
Don't let Sir Fred Goodwin keep his knighthood...
Don't legitimise same sex partnerships by calling them marriage...
Don't cap the benefits to £26,000...


I'm sure you could add your own examples to the list but I want to share a positive moment with you.

On Tuesday I conducted the funeral for a lady who had died aged in her late eighties. In her time she had been a member of the Towns Women Guild and some of her former compatriots were attending this celebration of her life - sorry, were attending this non religious, Humanist led, celebration of her life.

After the ceremony ended one of the ladies, (blue rinse, pearls and sensible shoes) marched over to me and grabbed me firmly by the hand. She then bellowed at the top of her voice, "the spirit of the lord was strong with you today, I felt his presence in the room - thank you".

Now although it is lovely to get a compliment, being thanked for summoning the presence of a god who I am not on speaking terms with did not really fill me with joy. But because this epistle is about being positive, I wish to report that I am happy that I have this power to call up spirits and spectres. I might even try calling up ghosts and demons but I think I'll keep away from ghoulies!

I am, however, thinking about buying a long flowing cape of some description and touring the nation speaking unto small groups of middle class ladies and seeing if I can make them feel a little presence when they least expect it.

What I neglected to ask the percipient pensioner was, did the spirit of the lord resemble the cruel and spiteful one that set fire to bushes or burned commandments onto tablets of stone for Moses? Perhaps it was another god, a more benign and caring god whose acolytes spread such a wonderfully confused web of love and hate over the world. Or was the spirit of Thor or Isis or Jupiter?

Next time I will be more prepared and ask the witnesses for a better description.

I think that's all for today, I have to make tea and toast for Mrs B who is endeavouring to remain positive herself after she started her studies at Derby University.

She was told that she should not bother applying for the course she is now on because she wouldn't get it. Her positive attitude reflects the advice of Robert Burns (no I didn't eat any haggis this week) when he said, "Dare to be honest and fear no labour".

Now where did I put that Marmite?

Children Will Listen

I have been poorly and I know that each and every one of you has been sending me your most positive vibes and I can report that the combined power of your energy has healed me...almost.

I will not discuss the details of my illness but needless to say I soldiered on very bravely and hardly mentioned the discomfort to anyone at all. Like all men I carry my pain as a badge of honour - silently suffering and smiling at the world.

Enough of this fantasy, let's get down to the nitty gritty...Coppers.

A Channel 4 documentary series concentrating on the policing of Nottinghamshire has become a real talking point in the town and on local media outlets...I avoided watching the programme because I guessed that it would be controversial other wise why would they show it?  As usual I was correct.

Let me preface the rest of my remarks by stating that my previous employment and my links to family and friends who still serve in various Police roles does not stop me from offering up this totally unbiased and thoughtful dialogue on the nature of policing in the 21st century.

I was asked to contribute to a radio discussion on this matter and I declined because my health is still a little fragile and at my age I have to watch the old blood pressure you know!

Apparently the series has shown some officers dealing in a quite heavy handed way with members of the public as well as showing some very unsavoury members of the public abusing the Police - this is Channel 4 offering balance I suppose.

There have been calls for the Police to be respected because of the job they do and there have been answering calls for the Police to respect the community they serve and not to prejudge individuals because of the place they live.

I do think that demanding respect for the Police is stupid - I don't think you should respect an institution or an organisation. I do think you can respect people so I have no problem respecting individual Police Officers in the same way I respect anyone who has earned that respect.

Having witnessed what they used to call 'canteen culture' at first hand I also know how easy it is for Police Officers to get caught up in the received wisdom of those who have all the answers. It sometimes takes a lot of courage to stand against the prevailing Blue tide!


The question of respect does need answering though and I would much prefer that if people wanted to demand respect for anything they should start with a respect for the law. The problem is that those who do not respect the law and consequently the authority of the Police, probably have a lack of self respect too.

I know I frequently use Tesco as a tool in my lessons for life - but they give me so much ammunition I just have to make good use of it.

Mrs B and I were in Tesco the other day and we came across a group of teenagers who were very loud and very rude and they thought they were very funny, what they did not realise is that many other people who witnessed their behaviour just felt very sorry for them.

A short while later we saw a frustrated mother shouting in the face of her young child and using such language as to make Chubby Brown blush. Again, a feeling of sadness enveloped us as we considered  what life holds in store for that mother and for that child.

It's like toppling dominoes, no doubt that young mother had been taught this behaviour by her own parents, if she was lucky enough to have them in her life. I already hear the calls of 'you don't understand how hard life is for some people'. Let me answer that point.

I was preparing a funeral for a lady who had died after living a good long life - 90 plus years. She had come from very humble beginnings and had never had much money but her daughter told me how she was always made to wash, keep clean, be neat and to say please and thank you. Old fashioned ideas and values I suppose, but as this lady always said to her daughter  'you don't need money to have manners'.

Where have these values gone? What has happened to self respect?

People are more interested in having a flat screen tv or designer training shoes.

So there we have it - there is more chance of getting a lesbian Pope than solving this issue. That's why we will see more riots and more Channel 4 documentaries and Mrs B and I will see more incidents in Tesco that I can then make fun of for you.

Police and the public - strange isn't it that you need to make the distinction?

Be well, and remember to wash, keep clean, be neat and say please and thank you.

Thank You.

Old Testament Vengeance

Good morning Pilgrims, how's your journey in search of truth and light progressing?

This morning I have a biblical style story to tell and it once again gives me a chance to report on my progress through the Kings James bible.

I have just exited Genesis and moved into Exodus passing the story of Joseph and his coat of many colours and concluding my journey at the moment that Moses is pulled from the water by Pharaohs daughter. You see if this broody spinster had let Moses float on by, the world would be a very different place.

It's quite a coincidence that the story of Joseph was in my mind as much of todays lesson came to me in a dream, perhaps whispered in my ear by some greater power...no not Mrs B. If it's good enough for the Mormons, it's good enough for me.

As I was about to retire for the night, feeling under the weather, I glanced at Facebook and I noticed a very long thread concerning an alleged break in at Willow Farm Family Park. It was claimed that someone had broken into the park and then they had stolen animals which had then been killed. The thread was a little short on fact but full of outrage and threats of vengeance. There were many comments about animal cruelty and the disgust of others, some local, who wished to distance themselves from the perpetrators.

 Again, perhaps due to the fact that my head was full of the Hebrew Bible, I imagined some awful scenario where youths had stolen a llama or a small pony which had then been sacrificed in some blood lust to satisfy the pagan gods of Shirebrook. The levels of disgust and outrage in the Facebook posts called for a scene of that magnitude to have been played out such was the outpouring of vitriol and bile.

As I read through the thread we gradually learned that two chickens had been stolen and killed by local teenagers and I was suddenly left with a series of questions.

Before I pose the questions let me first of all say that I do not condone the acts of the guilty parties, they deserve to be punished for their acts but do they really qualify for the extra burden of all the calls for vengeance? So, the questions...what makes people so angry about this story? Is it that there was animal cruelty? Is it that the theft was aimed at a children's farm? Is it because it made the area look bad? Or is it something else?

I would imagine that most of the people who were going on about animal cruelty were meat eaters and again although I don't like the idea of any animals being tortured for fun, anyone who has ever eaten a fast food burger or chicken leg has been part of an industry that treats animals with little respect. The chickens that we buy and eat from the supermarkets are often kept in circumstances that are far removed from the natural life of a chicken. I recall seeing a lorry load of pigs being taken on a long road journey to be slaughtered in a factory style slaughter house, all looking through the side of the lorry at me and blaming me for their fate.

None of the meat that goes into your burger comes from cows that decide to make the career choice of joining McDonalds you know, we drag them about the road system before again killing them in as humane a way as we can.

As a meat eater I have come to terms with this process but it has led me to change my purchasing habits with regard to the type of meat I buy but how many of those Facebook ranters even consider where the meat comes from? Outrage at animal cruelty from those who would quite happily eat cheap chicken is a little odd.

As for being angered because the theft was from children, well children are the target of crime everyday either directly or indirectly and we don't see this outrage on Facebook. So, is the real reason that this incident puts a bad light on the good folk of Shirebrook? I suppose we will only know the answer to that if we can find out how many of the commentators came from the area.

The more I think about it the more I believe that the viral response to the posting of these stories is just that, almost unstoppable. What might help calm the outburst is a dose of truth.

The original post was placed on Facebook with the very best of intentions, of that I have no doubt, but this overblown and over moralistic response from people who could not look in the mirror and see anything other than flawed human beings looking back, shows that we should all of us be careful about getting drawn into throwing that first stone (back to the bible again).


So there we go, my little dose of penicillin to treat the outbreak of VD or vengeance disorder as I like to call it.

Now I feel quite dodgy so I'm going back to bed, so have a good day and enjoy your Sunday roast.