Instructions To The Audience

I know what you're thinking. It's Tuesday and the Guru must have had an extra Omega 3 capsule if he's going to dispense his glorious thoughts midweek.

The power of the fish oil is strong this morning dear ones, (as is the after taste if you burp) and it compels me to offer these wonderful words of wisdom.

Family life is sometimes a little challenging, I hear stories everyday of how some families fall apart whilst others stick together through thick and thicker. I was musing only yesterday how working with family members can cause some real problems and perhaps there were days when Jesus thought about leaving the family firm and taking his magic show to Vegas. Father and Holy Ghost might not have had the same success without him.

But all this rambling about family is really bringing me to three hours sitting in the theatre last night, watching Long Day's Journey Into Night by Eugene O'Neill. I'm not going to review the whole show but its depiction of family life and the issues each member of that family were battling, was enthralling. The whole cast were magnificent and the evening flew by. This production has plugged a big gap in my theatre going experiences - my first O'Neill and I got to see David Suchet on stage.

It is at once a period piece but yet it has a strong resonance for modern life. One line really hits the mark:

The past is the present, isn't it? It's the future too. 

The characters were so shockingly real you did get completely drawn into the story which was not complicated to follow in any way....unless you were the lady sat two rows in front of me!

I've written before about audiences and how they sometimes spoil a show and last night we had a few nose blowers and coughers, the odd sweet paper but the most annoying thing for me was the fact the some people come to the theatre and then don't pay attention.

The lady in question kept asking her husband about the plot, which if she had shut up and listened was all too clearly explained in the text.

In the interval, her husband did his best to catch her up and the debate about one character and their fingers was fascinating.

The character of Mary Tyrone complains of pains in her fingers which leads her to require medication.  The inquisitive and yet stupid lady asked her husband "why are her fingers not more bent, like my mum's - she had arthritis and her fingers were much worse than that".

She went on to explain that she didn't believe there could have been any pain from such un-arthritic finger joints and that the actress (Laurie Metcalfe who was superb in the role) should try harder to make her fingers more bent!

Can you imagine how hard I was suppressing guffaws of laughter at this time?

She also commented on the costumes being 'familiar' and she thought she had seen them somewhere before. She mused that it might have been Downton Abbey. I had my fist in my mouth by now.

After the interval some people moved from the cheap seats to occupy some empty seats behind me (dress circle of course)  and it was obviously some corporate jolly.  They nearly all spoke with American accents and wreaked of alcohol. I did wonder if it was the James Tyrone Fan Club. One of them soon fell asleep but luckily didn't snore as that would have been the icing on the cake.

The English man with them said the following as the lights dimmed - "Don't you recognise the actor? It's John Suchet. Don't you get POYROTT back home? He's famous in this country for playing POYROTT, not sure what else he's done".

Anyway, I sat enthralled as the play continued its inevitable journey accompanied by more questions from the idiot woman, more sweet papers, coughs and sneezes...but in the end it didn't matter. I had witnessed something very good and I knew it.

I would willingly sit through the whole play again - as long as I got to pick the rest of the audience!

That's all today now go and busy yourself with life, enjoy your day and your family - who for all their faults are still your family.

Getting Married Today

Good morning world, how nice to see you all washed and ready for action this chilly March morning.

What will you do with yourselves today? Perhaps a visit to a garden centre or a pub lunch, maybe a drive in the countryside. Or if you live in Mountain View California, you'll probably spend all day re-reading my blog back catalogue as you try and work out what adverts to send my way (thanks Google).

Of course some will be attending church, (don't laugh, some people do still go to church) and if any are going to church in Scotland this morning I guess they will be getting a sermon on the sanctity of marriage. In fact I imagine that in many catholic churches the pronouncements of Cardinal Keith O'Brien on 'gay or same sex marriage' will be the topic du jour.

I suppose I better declare an interest in that I am hoping that during the forthcoming consultation period on  gay marriages in the UK, that celebrants such as myself will be granted the power to perform legally recognised ceremonies. The reason this is important to me is that next year I have been asked to celebrate a wedding for two very special people (not same sex) - and I can tell you now that it will be the wedding of the year! I'm already searching for a trained budgie to sit on my shoulder throughout the event, to accessorise my ringmasters costume.

In my eyes, marriage is about the commitment of one person to another, and not just because it is union in which that commitment is legally recognised by the state. I do, however, think equality is important.

Presently in the UK, a legally recognised marriage can take place in a civil ceremony at a registrars office or in a religious establishment overseen by a minister of that church. You can also get married in certain other buildings that have been approved by the local authority. No matter the location or the style of the wedding, the thing that makes the marriage legal is the signing of the register.


As I mentioned, here in the UK we are about to commence a period of consultation as to whether gay marriage should be legally recognised and there have already been many voices raised in protest. Some say that gay couples have the right to a civil partnership and this gives them legal rights on a par with marriage so why muddy the waters?

But why can't two people who love each other simply get married?

Let me tell you what the Cardinal says about gay marriage, or as he calls it a "grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human right".

He goes on to say... "Same-sex marriage would eliminate entirely in law the basic idea of a mother and a father for every child. It would create a society which deliberately chooses to deprive a child of either a mother or a father."

I'm a little confused, which is easy for me as Catholics always confuse me. We have not even cut the cake and the Cardinal is worrying about children!

Of course, the Catholic church believes that the purpose of marriage is to bring more potential converts into the world and it has been a success in so many places...look at those countries in Africa where Catholicism is the main religion, no shortage of children there.  Just a shortage of food to give them, medical aid, and parents who have died through contracting HIV. A success story to be really proud of - let's have a big cheer for the Pope.

The Cardinal also stated that by legalising gay marriage, the UK government would "shame the United Kingdom in the eyes of the world".

Argentina, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, Iceland, Mexico, The Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, South Africa, Spain, Sweden and the USA  have legally recognised same sex marriage to some extent. I don't see any shame in joining that list do you? And we will not be alone, many other countries are moving towards legally recognising the concept of two people being able to make a commitment to each other, not just a man and a woman.

I don't have any objections to two men or two women getting married, I don't feel that it in anyway undermines the institution of marriage. Mrs B and I married in church more through tradition than religion and I think we are probably part of a great majority who uses the church in that way. Did that make our commitment any less valid? It might do in the eyes of the church but the eyes of the state are closed to such issues.

As a Humanist I don't think the church, any church, should own marriage and I think that if a state wishes to recognise the commitment of one human being to another, a commitment in exclusion to all others, then the world will not stop turning nor will the churches fall.

Religion is a part of our society, I don't think that will ever change. My opinion is that the church should not be given a right to run society, it should be there to support those who sign up to its rules - so all the gay catholics will have to be satisfied with....hang on, is there such a thing as a gay catholic?

The fear that recognising same sex marriage may marginalise even further those groups who are against it is no reason to stand still - if the church doesn't want to evolve that is their choice, but the rest of us are fed up with the 12th century and want to live in the 21st.

A happy marriage is one based on mutual respect, love, and the ability to work together - Mrs B and I are very happily married and I know this for sure because she told me just the other day.

My marriage to Mrs B has been a success because of Mrs B, I can take no credit at all. I have just honoured and obeyed her for almost 28 years and having lived through all of that joy I would like to see everyone suffer as I have. (It's a joke dear, let me fetch you another cup of tea to your bedside and toast you a crumpet).

One third of marriages between 1995 and 2010 ended in divorce so the same sex team hasn't been making a great success of things, so why not let someone else have a go? They can't be any worse at being married than us hetero's!

You Gotta Get A Gimmick

Calm down, don't panic - I know I don't usually reach down from the comfort of my hilltop retreat on Friday mornings but today I had the urge to touch someone in that special way.

Let me begin by stating my admiration for the professionalism and sacrifice of Marie Colvin, the greatest war correspondent of her generation and a great loss to the world of truth, especially uncomfortable truth.

The death of a genuine world class journalist comes in the same week that Rupert Mudrock (I know what I wrote) launches The Sun on Sunday. Well, I didn't read the weekly editions so I guess I won't be rushing out to buy this down market rag full of gossip and breasts.

I have heard it said that we need as many newspapers as possible because 'information is the oxygen of democracy' (Cristina Odone -  BBC Question Time 23/2/12). To be honest, I think I would rather be short of breath than read The Sun.

I suppose that Mudrock is trying to re-brand after all the bad press his papers have been getting but perhaps he needs to think outside the box or perhaps he needs to think inside a box...do we have a box?

People say that you need an edge these days, you need that USP if you are going to get ahead but maybe you don't have to be different, you just have to be better than the rest?

Perhaps that is why Marie Colvin was so respected, because she strove to be the best and provide the best independent news of what was really happening in the world.




What else has been in the news this week? Tesco employing slave labour, Adele getting cut off in her prime, Frank Carson dies, the Health Bill still causing major headaches for the government, Obama sings the blues, Whitney's funeral, Lord Carey rallying the righteous to oppose gay marriage...just some of the stories that caught my eye.

I cannot let a story about Tesco pass by without comment...if I understand the story correctly, young people on jobseekers allowance are being offered work experience at Tesco (and other places) where they also get paid expenses and learn valuable social skills like talking to people, getting up in the morning and having a work ethic. Sadly at Tesco they are not taught to brush their teeth or wash.

I also understand that 50% of those who have taken this opportunity have gone on to get full time work.

Sounds like a terrible idea and I think we should boycott Tesco!!!

Some of the companies involved are already pulling out because of negative news coverage so I would ask those who are against a scheme that seems to work, what's their big idea? What do they suggest will engender a work ethic in young people who see no benefit in working when you can get benefit for not working?

To compare it to slavery also seems a little preposterous, I don't think slaves actually went home at night I think their employers kept them chained up in the back yard somewhere. Are Tesco keeping teenagers in the cold storage overnight?


Poor old Frank Carson, a man renowned for his timing decides to die on the day when someone more interesting and famous also lost their life. He may have been dead funny but like so many other great comedians, he won't be as funny, dead.

Didn't watch the Brit Awards, don't care if Adele couldn't finish her speech, especially if it was in that awful accented common manner that she uses.  Did go and see The King's Speech at the theatre and that was magnificent.

Didn't watch Whitney's funeral but I did get a call saying that one of my funerals was so well received that the Royal British Legion want to use it as a talking point when dealing with ex-military personnel.

When I started out as funeral celebrant I followed the rule book quite closely but as I grew more confident in my ability I threw the rule book away and just started to be me...and isn't that the greatest gimmick of all?

OK, well Friday awaits and there is plenty to do...one final message to a very avid reader in Mountain View, California - who are you?

There are no secrets in this cyber world, I can stalk all of you with my tracking device.

Mountain View sounds like a place I would love, so dear Mountain View reader, please get in touch with me here on the Hill.

Every Day A Little Death

Good morning and welcome - sorry to say that the Guru has his serious head on this morning.

The death of Whitney Houston has been very widely reported in the media all this week, likewise the arrangements for her funeral which was shown around the world.

I listened to some worthy soul on the news complaining how a funeral being broadcast in such a manner is offensive but just this week I conducted a funeral for a young man which was webcast live so that those who could not attend in person were still able to feel part of the event.

We should embrace modern media and technology and make it work for us, not be scared of it.

The death of Whitney Houston kicked off many debates in which the recent demise of the likes of Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson were recalled, the recurring theme being the tragedy of an early death due to the vicissitudes of their lives. There was also a great deal of talk about addiction.

During the course of this week I have had cause to consider all of these points when one of my Twitter followers posted that they had no sympathy for Whitney - "she brought it on herself".

The correspondent went on to say they had "no time for people with addictions" as they "care nothing but for themselves". Of course we do not know if Ms. Houston's death was caused by addiction but her story does lead one to think that this might be a possible contributing factor.

Sadly there are some who become addicts through totally selfish behaviour, but there are equally some who become addicts for other reasons.

Let us consider a young man who served his country in the Army. Here is a man who was regularly faced with many incidents that we would be hard pressed to think about. Not only did he have to think about them, he had to deal with them. The death of close friends, the mayhem of war, life and death decisions being made and then having to live with the consequences.

I don't think that there is any surprise that the young man might turn to drink in order to drown his sorrows, that drinking himself into a stupor was just a way of escaping the images in his head.

What is a surprise is that upon leaving the Army any support system he had was taken away and he was left abandoned in our world. As a nation we shout about our pride for our servicemen and women -  but that pride doesn't stretch to supporting them much after they leave.

We should all be ashamed that a young man who did his job for his country, who served his military and political masters without question, should be abandoned to his fate in such a way.

I think the Army could do more and I don't discount that personal responsibility is part of the answer but to not be able to access any support through the NHS due to various constraints and bureaucracies seems very unfair.

Of course the reason I know all these facts is that I conducted his funeral. He was 38 and he leaves behind a family who are still numb with the shock and angry, very angry, that no one was there to listen to the cries for help from their son, husband, brother and father.

I don't suppose for one moment that this was an isolated case, I would guess there are many others who are living through a similar hell but when they fall by the wayside there probably will not be a news team and a camera crew on hand to film every sad part of the funeral.  Their names will not be added to the list of Houston, Jackson, Winehouse and Co.

Do we only honour and remember the famous addicts then?

Everybody Says Don't...

It's been a very negative week, so today I want to try and be positive and allow you all to bask in the uplifting spirit of my wisdom.

First a quick update on my progress through the bible - it has been slow going, not least because I am also reading Fatal Revenant by Stephen R Donaldson (the second book in the final chronicles of Thomas Covenant).

It's about a group of travellers searching a dangerous land, fighting a terrible scourge and looking for the weapon of truth that will help them beat evil.  In the bible I'm just dealing with Moses dragging his cronies into the wilderness after his god has been playing silly buggers with Pharaoh.

The god of Moses was cruel and was doing his best to become the supreme power but I did notice that the power of other gods was acknowledged so perhaps this was just a bit of supernatural schoolyard bullying with Moses leading the cheers 'cos my god's fiercer than your god'.

If any of you have not read the bible I suggest you don't bother - let me explain it all for you as I go along and if you want to read a fantasy novel, try Lord Foul's Bane by Donaldson - the opening title in a ten book cycle that was first published in 1977 and hopefully draws to a conclusion in 2013.


Have you noticed the negative vibes in the air this week?

Don't give the bonus the to the bank chairman...
Don't let Sir Fred Goodwin keep his knighthood...
Don't legitimise same sex partnerships by calling them marriage...
Don't cap the benefits to £26,000...


I'm sure you could add your own examples to the list but I want to share a positive moment with you.

On Tuesday I conducted the funeral for a lady who had died aged in her late eighties. In her time she had been a member of the Towns Women Guild and some of her former compatriots were attending this celebration of her life - sorry, were attending this non religious, Humanist led, celebration of her life.

After the ceremony ended one of the ladies, (blue rinse, pearls and sensible shoes) marched over to me and grabbed me firmly by the hand. She then bellowed at the top of her voice, "the spirit of the lord was strong with you today, I felt his presence in the room - thank you".

Now although it is lovely to get a compliment, being thanked for summoning the presence of a god who I am not on speaking terms with did not really fill me with joy. But because this epistle is about being positive, I wish to report that I am happy that I have this power to call up spirits and spectres. I might even try calling up ghosts and demons but I think I'll keep away from ghoulies!

I am, however, thinking about buying a long flowing cape of some description and touring the nation speaking unto small groups of middle class ladies and seeing if I can make them feel a little presence when they least expect it.

What I neglected to ask the percipient pensioner was, did the spirit of the lord resemble the cruel and spiteful one that set fire to bushes or burned commandments onto tablets of stone for Moses? Perhaps it was another god, a more benign and caring god whose acolytes spread such a wonderfully confused web of love and hate over the world. Or was the spirit of Thor or Isis or Jupiter?

Next time I will be more prepared and ask the witnesses for a better description.

I think that's all for today, I have to make tea and toast for Mrs B who is endeavouring to remain positive herself after she started her studies at Derby University.

She was told that she should not bother applying for the course she is now on because she wouldn't get it. Her positive attitude reflects the advice of Robert Burns (no I didn't eat any haggis this week) when he said, "Dare to be honest and fear no labour".

Now where did I put that Marmite?