I have just been contacted by Tesco, who thanked me for my on-going advertisement of their stores - they then pointed out that they do stock venison, but only in some of their stores in the posh parts of the south.
The reason they don't stock it in Mansfield is that venison has hardly any fat in it, thereby making it inedible to the cave dwellers of the midlands and the north.
Thank you Tesco - every little helps.
Sunday, 5 September 2010
Saturday, 7 August 2010
Saturday Supplement
How wonderful for you all, a gift of genius from your Guru. A blog.
Dreams are an insight into the world we wished we lived, so I would like to be brave this morning and share with you last nights nocturnal visitation from the land beyond beyond. I will expose myself and am prepared for the shock this might cause.
In my dream I was a famous detective, so famous that I didn't have a name, I was simply known as 'the Detective'.
I was called in by a wealthy lady to investigate the crippling of her favourite horse - the lady was large bosomed and spoke with a plum in her mouth. I asked her to remove the plum and it soon became clear that this made her easier to understand.
She explained that she had left the horse watching television (re-runs of Steptoe and Son as the horse was a distant relative of Old Ned) but upon her return from Waitrose, she found the horse in agony on the floor clutching one of his ankles. The horse had told her that "he did it" before slipping into a coma.
Sadly he couldn't point out the culprit as he was holding his ankles with all his free hooves and it took all his energy to speak.
So, there was I, the Detective, with my faithful sidekick called Marianne.
On investigating the scene, I noticed that near the chair where the horse had been sitting was a small table on which was a hay sandwich and a bottle of chablis, cold and running with condensation. The sandwich had not been touched and the bottle was full - there was no sign of a glass. Then I spotted a broken glass laying just inside the door of the rather spacious lounge.
Near the broken glass, looking like it had been casually discarded, was a large silk cushion on which was stitched a scene of pheasants fleeing a gun dog.
I then returned to the chair and noticed a few dog hairs on a cushion.
I said to the lady - "where is your dog?"
"How do you know I have a dog?" she replied.
"Elementary my dear lady - I saw it when we came in earlier".
The dog was summoned, it entered very sheepishly, making little baa-ing noises. He also had a black eye.
I then gathered everyone around and explained what had happened.
The horse, left watching television, had decided to have a snack and so went to the kitchen to make a hay sandwich and get the chablis from the fridge. Upon returning to the lounge he had found the dog sat in his chair and had given him a good telling off and a punch in the eye for good measure. The horse had settled down and then realised he had left his glass in the kitchen.
The horse left to fetch the glass and the wounded dog seized his chance. He carefully positioned the cushion just inside the door and when the horse returned he slipped on the cushion and injured his ankle. It was all so clear - mystery solved.
The lady rewarded me with £1 million Euros, the dog went to prison, Marianne released a record and the horse sadly died and was turned into dog food, which was then sent to the prison where his attacker was detained.
The dream closes with the dog laughing uncontrollably and pointing at the dinner plate.
This dream is very telling, it shows the great intellect and insight that I possess as well as showing that I have a way with animals.
I think it also shows that cauliflower cheese and prosecco before bed is a bad idea.
Have a nice day and sweet dreams for tonight.
Dreams are an insight into the world we wished we lived, so I would like to be brave this morning and share with you last nights nocturnal visitation from the land beyond beyond. I will expose myself and am prepared for the shock this might cause.
In my dream I was a famous detective, so famous that I didn't have a name, I was simply known as 'the Detective'.
I was called in by a wealthy lady to investigate the crippling of her favourite horse - the lady was large bosomed and spoke with a plum in her mouth. I asked her to remove the plum and it soon became clear that this made her easier to understand.
She explained that she had left the horse watching television (re-runs of Steptoe and Son as the horse was a distant relative of Old Ned) but upon her return from Waitrose, she found the horse in agony on the floor clutching one of his ankles. The horse had told her that "he did it" before slipping into a coma.
Sadly he couldn't point out the culprit as he was holding his ankles with all his free hooves and it took all his energy to speak.
So, there was I, the Detective, with my faithful sidekick called Marianne.
On investigating the scene, I noticed that near the chair where the horse had been sitting was a small table on which was a hay sandwich and a bottle of chablis, cold and running with condensation. The sandwich had not been touched and the bottle was full - there was no sign of a glass. Then I spotted a broken glass laying just inside the door of the rather spacious lounge.
Near the broken glass, looking like it had been casually discarded, was a large silk cushion on which was stitched a scene of pheasants fleeing a gun dog.
I then returned to the chair and noticed a few dog hairs on a cushion.
I said to the lady - "where is your dog?"
"How do you know I have a dog?" she replied.
"Elementary my dear lady - I saw it when we came in earlier".
The dog was summoned, it entered very sheepishly, making little baa-ing noises. He also had a black eye.
I then gathered everyone around and explained what had happened.
The horse, left watching television, had decided to have a snack and so went to the kitchen to make a hay sandwich and get the chablis from the fridge. Upon returning to the lounge he had found the dog sat in his chair and had given him a good telling off and a punch in the eye for good measure. The horse had settled down and then realised he had left his glass in the kitchen.
The horse left to fetch the glass and the wounded dog seized his chance. He carefully positioned the cushion just inside the door and when the horse returned he slipped on the cushion and injured his ankle. It was all so clear - mystery solved.
The lady rewarded me with £1 million Euros, the dog went to prison, Marianne released a record and the horse sadly died and was turned into dog food, which was then sent to the prison where his attacker was detained.
The dream closes with the dog laughing uncontrollably and pointing at the dinner plate.
This dream is very telling, it shows the great intellect and insight that I possess as well as showing that I have a way with animals.
I think it also shows that cauliflower cheese and prosecco before bed is a bad idea.
Have a nice day and sweet dreams for tonight.
Saturday, 31 July 2010
Saturday Supplement
Well here we are again, a week has flown by and I have been prodded and poked by the JP to give unto you a little extra - the main course arrives tomorrow, a perfectly harmless dissertation on the state of Special Educational Needs. Mrs B is worried I might upset someone but I told her to rest easy, people know that the Guru speaks only the truth and if the truth hurts then that shows some fault in the recipient of my wisdom and insight.
As if to prove a point, I awoke on Friday and found myself full of joie de vivre, or whatever the English equivalent is. I sat and ate my temporary breakfast cereal - temporary because when the box is empty I’m going back to granola - and watched the news and was saddened to see events in Pakistan. Terrible scenes of flooding and devastation, old men clinging to wire fences whilst the torrent of water threatened to tear them away from their loved ones and their lives.
And then a scene showing two buffalo being swept along by the cataract, terrified creatures who had no doubt shared a muddy field together, now facing their bovine fate side by side. Then,heartbreakingly, I spotted a poor little donkey, also being carried away to perish in the flood.
I tried to remain upbeat, I went out to work determined to be positive and enjoy the freedom of my life, the freedom from poverty and the devastating weather, in fact freedom from fear.
I drove to Lincoln and conducted a funeral and then on the way home I called at Tesco.
Even as I pulled into the car park, the cold hand of dread seized my heart, but I knew I had to face my fear and enter the palace of retail hell. Mrs B needed Pinot and so in I went.
I imagined myself in the role of Anna (minus the King) and I whistled a happy tune as I grasped my basket and set off in search of a few tidbits and as I passed the coleslaw section I heard some smelly oaf complaining very loudly, VERY loudly, about the cost of said cabbage based accompaniment.
The smelly rude man was being obnoxious to staff members and at that point the image of that drowning donkey flashed into my head and I was forced to speak, nay - to act!
So with basket in hand and smile firmly affixed I walked across and told him that the cost of a pot of coleslaw was nothing at the side of the cost of losing your home, your livelihood or your life. I then raised my own voice, slightly and said “Get a grip you moron, coleslaw is a luxury!”
I walked away feeling full of joy, the rude man stood, stunned by my outburst - I then stopped dead in my tracks, turned and walked back to the display where I selected the most expensive coleslaw I could find and placed it in my basket. If I had long hair, this is when I would have tossed it in a disdainful manner. I now made my exit, via the pizza aisle - well I needed something for the coleslaw to go on. Farewell fish finger sandwiches which had been my choice for the evening repast.
In hindsight speaking in this way to a total stranger was a dangerous course of action as he looked the type who might carry some sort of offensive weapon, which would have neatly matched his offensive demeanour, appearance and smell.
Sometimes we have to speak up, we have to point out the absurdity of a situation, we have to open our hearts and act, otherwise all the little donkeys in the world might die in vain.
I like to think that the little donkey in Pakistan, the poor terrified creature, died to give me the courage to put that imbecile in his place.
Thank you little donkey.
And so my day continued and I enjoyed my pizza and coleslaw - bloody expensive middle class coleslaw, but every mouthful was sweeter as I thought of that rank odorous troglodyte eating his value coleslaw and wondering who they hell was that man in the suit and lovely silk tie who harangued me in Tesco? (Of course he wouldn’t have said harangued, he was too thick).
Thank you for reading the Saturday Supplement, now go on line and support the Disasters Emergency Committee or the Donkey Sanctuary...please.
See you tomorrow.
http://drupal.thedonkeysanctuary.org.uk/
http://www.dec.org.uk/
As if to prove a point, I awoke on Friday and found myself full of joie de vivre, or whatever the English equivalent is. I sat and ate my temporary breakfast cereal - temporary because when the box is empty I’m going back to granola - and watched the news and was saddened to see events in Pakistan. Terrible scenes of flooding and devastation, old men clinging to wire fences whilst the torrent of water threatened to tear them away from their loved ones and their lives.
And then a scene showing two buffalo being swept along by the cataract, terrified creatures who had no doubt shared a muddy field together, now facing their bovine fate side by side. Then,heartbreakingly, I spotted a poor little donkey, also being carried away to perish in the flood.
I tried to remain upbeat, I went out to work determined to be positive and enjoy the freedom of my life, the freedom from poverty and the devastating weather, in fact freedom from fear.
I drove to Lincoln and conducted a funeral and then on the way home I called at Tesco.
Even as I pulled into the car park, the cold hand of dread seized my heart, but I knew I had to face my fear and enter the palace of retail hell. Mrs B needed Pinot and so in I went.
I imagined myself in the role of Anna (minus the King) and I whistled a happy tune as I grasped my basket and set off in search of a few tidbits and as I passed the coleslaw section I heard some smelly oaf complaining very loudly, VERY loudly, about the cost of said cabbage based accompaniment.
The smelly rude man was being obnoxious to staff members and at that point the image of that drowning donkey flashed into my head and I was forced to speak, nay - to act!
So with basket in hand and smile firmly affixed I walked across and told him that the cost of a pot of coleslaw was nothing at the side of the cost of losing your home, your livelihood or your life. I then raised my own voice, slightly and said “Get a grip you moron, coleslaw is a luxury!”
I walked away feeling full of joy, the rude man stood, stunned by my outburst - I then stopped dead in my tracks, turned and walked back to the display where I selected the most expensive coleslaw I could find and placed it in my basket. If I had long hair, this is when I would have tossed it in a disdainful manner. I now made my exit, via the pizza aisle - well I needed something for the coleslaw to go on. Farewell fish finger sandwiches which had been my choice for the evening repast.
In hindsight speaking in this way to a total stranger was a dangerous course of action as he looked the type who might carry some sort of offensive weapon, which would have neatly matched his offensive demeanour, appearance and smell.
Sometimes we have to speak up, we have to point out the absurdity of a situation, we have to open our hearts and act, otherwise all the little donkeys in the world might die in vain.
I like to think that the little donkey in Pakistan, the poor terrified creature, died to give me the courage to put that imbecile in his place.
Thank you little donkey.
And so my day continued and I enjoyed my pizza and coleslaw - bloody expensive middle class coleslaw, but every mouthful was sweeter as I thought of that rank odorous troglodyte eating his value coleslaw and wondering who they hell was that man in the suit and lovely silk tie who harangued me in Tesco? (Of course he wouldn’t have said harangued, he was too thick).
Thank you for reading the Saturday Supplement, now go on line and support the Disasters Emergency Committee or the Donkey Sanctuary...please.
See you tomorrow.
http://drupal.thedonkeysanctuary.org.uk/
http://www.dec.org.uk/
Saturday, 17 July 2010
Emergency Blog!
I know what you are thinking - he promised to stop blogging - well, let's just pretend I'm a politician and that means promises are made to be broken, plus this is an emergency, so stand back as I break the glass and release the handle on the emergency blog.
Since 1997, I have appeared on the stage many times in many guises - from the owner of an Italian restaurant via a Brummy horse to a Jewish gangster and ending up as a Geordie elf! And all for no pay - I did it for the love of theatre and I have to say it was brilliant. I was brilliant too - occasionally.
My friend, the JP, is busily scripting and shaping words into a new play that he will eventually deliver unto the world and I have recently been invited to several local shows created by young ambitious folk who want to take this love of theatre and make a life out of it...and good for them I say.
I suppose acting must be about the most over subscribed occupation in the world, for every actor that gets the job there are hundreds that don't and to get the job there are many sacrifices that have to be made - it is not an easy life but it can be a very rewarding one.
Having that chance to grab your dream and to just go for it - I would suggest to anyone out there who is sitting back thinking, "I can't" or "I shouldn't", that you should and you must!
Yes it will be a struggle but then life is never guaranteed to be easy, but if you work hard and if you suffer the slings and arrows, you might just find that you have some great memories to look back on, a renewed confidence to chase the dream and some good friends to support you.
Now, where is all this cosy philosophy coming from, why the warm gush first thing in the morning? Well, it is the fault of several people connected with the show I went to see last night at the Lyceum Theatre in Sheffield - Laughter in the Rain.
Laughter in the Rain is the story of Neil Sedaka, told to the audience by the man, his family and collaborators. It obviously contains many of his songs and if you are from a certain generation you soon find yourself drawn along with the inevitable uplifting tide of the show. It is a great show, you sing, you clap, you smile and there is even a chance for a tear to fall - you even get to stand up and dance and that is the first thing I want to say thank you for...there were hundreds of people 'dad-dancing' in that auditorium and it felt OK!
Of course the best thing about the show was the superb role played by the ASM and the whole thing held together thanks to the efforts of the wardrobe assistant but beyond those two hard working, dedicated, sober individuals, it would be unfair to pick out anyone on that stage for special mention...it was simply a great piece of work.
Having said I don't want to mention individuals I am now going to do exactly that...Wayne Smith as Sedaka, a warmth of delivery that cannot be produced from just acting - it comes from that reservoir of sincerity that not every actor possesses. His singing voice was first class too.
Edward Handoll as Howard Greenfield, Alastair Natkiel as Don Kirshner - both excellent.
You see this is why I shouldn't have started with names because now I want to praise them all - anyway, the rest of the cast and the band were brilliant.
Let me backtrack a little - if you do love the theatre and you want to make a life for yourself in that world you have to fight hard for it, you have to make those sacrifices and I met two young men who are doing that and more power to them for chasing that dream and not giving in and for giving it 110% last night during the show.
First of all, Charlie Adams, a brief meeting with Charlie will leave you with the memory of his smile and a likeable quality that makes you wish you knew him better - he can sing too! Charlie played several roles in the play and you just knew he was enjoying himself and having read his bio I will now watch out for his appearance in the tampax advert! I'm sure his confidence flows from somewhere other than a sanitary product.
Kieran Brown, we met after the show - he played Elton John and Tony Christie as well as other roles. Kieran has a big one, a bio that is, measured against Charlie anyway - Kieran has worked in productions from Les Miserable to Taggart and he seems to have made a great life for himself. All that work and he doesn't look a day over 19 and I want to put on the record that he is about as far away from camp as you can get - no camp with Kieran, even if he does drink wine before beer.
Here is a young man working hard, getting paid next to nothing but still determined to be the best he could be...and with such plans for his own future. I wish him every success and I can only suggest you visit his website at www.kieranbrown.com or follow him on twitter (luciferbox). He knows Daniel Boys too - so that raises him another level for me.
There will be many who went to see Laughter in the Rain who came away feeling better and happier for the experience - I certainly did. I was invigorated by the youthfulness and unadulterated joy of the cast and I was left thinking - come on old fella, get your arse in gear and start learning lines!
So, emergency over, a little release of pent up happiness which a miserable old bastard should not have to carry around all day.
Thanks to Dean and Niki, thanks to Kieran, thanks to Charlie, thanks to all the cast and crew of Laughter in the Rain - hope you get to the West End.
Since 1997, I have appeared on the stage many times in many guises - from the owner of an Italian restaurant via a Brummy horse to a Jewish gangster and ending up as a Geordie elf! And all for no pay - I did it for the love of theatre and I have to say it was brilliant. I was brilliant too - occasionally.
My friend, the JP, is busily scripting and shaping words into a new play that he will eventually deliver unto the world and I have recently been invited to several local shows created by young ambitious folk who want to take this love of theatre and make a life out of it...and good for them I say.
I suppose acting must be about the most over subscribed occupation in the world, for every actor that gets the job there are hundreds that don't and to get the job there are many sacrifices that have to be made - it is not an easy life but it can be a very rewarding one.
Having that chance to grab your dream and to just go for it - I would suggest to anyone out there who is sitting back thinking, "I can't" or "I shouldn't", that you should and you must!
Yes it will be a struggle but then life is never guaranteed to be easy, but if you work hard and if you suffer the slings and arrows, you might just find that you have some great memories to look back on, a renewed confidence to chase the dream and some good friends to support you.
Now, where is all this cosy philosophy coming from, why the warm gush first thing in the morning? Well, it is the fault of several people connected with the show I went to see last night at the Lyceum Theatre in Sheffield - Laughter in the Rain.
Laughter in the Rain is the story of Neil Sedaka, told to the audience by the man, his family and collaborators. It obviously contains many of his songs and if you are from a certain generation you soon find yourself drawn along with the inevitable uplifting tide of the show. It is a great show, you sing, you clap, you smile and there is even a chance for a tear to fall - you even get to stand up and dance and that is the first thing I want to say thank you for...there were hundreds of people 'dad-dancing' in that auditorium and it felt OK!
Of course the best thing about the show was the superb role played by the ASM and the whole thing held together thanks to the efforts of the wardrobe assistant but beyond those two hard working, dedicated, sober individuals, it would be unfair to pick out anyone on that stage for special mention...it was simply a great piece of work.
Having said I don't want to mention individuals I am now going to do exactly that...Wayne Smith as Sedaka, a warmth of delivery that cannot be produced from just acting - it comes from that reservoir of sincerity that not every actor possesses. His singing voice was first class too.
Edward Handoll as Howard Greenfield, Alastair Natkiel as Don Kirshner - both excellent.
You see this is why I shouldn't have started with names because now I want to praise them all - anyway, the rest of the cast and the band were brilliant.
Let me backtrack a little - if you do love the theatre and you want to make a life for yourself in that world you have to fight hard for it, you have to make those sacrifices and I met two young men who are doing that and more power to them for chasing that dream and not giving in and for giving it 110% last night during the show.
First of all, Charlie Adams, a brief meeting with Charlie will leave you with the memory of his smile and a likeable quality that makes you wish you knew him better - he can sing too! Charlie played several roles in the play and you just knew he was enjoying himself and having read his bio I will now watch out for his appearance in the tampax advert! I'm sure his confidence flows from somewhere other than a sanitary product.
Kieran Brown, we met after the show - he played Elton John and Tony Christie as well as other roles. Kieran has a big one, a bio that is, measured against Charlie anyway - Kieran has worked in productions from Les Miserable to Taggart and he seems to have made a great life for himself. All that work and he doesn't look a day over 19 and I want to put on the record that he is about as far away from camp as you can get - no camp with Kieran, even if he does drink wine before beer.
Here is a young man working hard, getting paid next to nothing but still determined to be the best he could be...and with such plans for his own future. I wish him every success and I can only suggest you visit his website at www.kieranbrown.com or follow him on twitter (luciferbox). He knows Daniel Boys too - so that raises him another level for me.
There will be many who went to see Laughter in the Rain who came away feeling better and happier for the experience - I certainly did. I was invigorated by the youthfulness and unadulterated joy of the cast and I was left thinking - come on old fella, get your arse in gear and start learning lines!
So, emergency over, a little release of pent up happiness which a miserable old bastard should not have to carry around all day.
Thanks to Dean and Niki, thanks to Kieran, thanks to Charlie, thanks to all the cast and crew of Laughter in the Rain - hope you get to the West End.
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Important Announcement
Having taken a short break following my year long daily blog-a-thon, by almost popular demand, The View from the Hill returns...but this time as a fortnightly event in which I will have the time to expand on some of the great issues troubling the modern world.
Hunger, greed, sex, faith, expression, depression and cucumbers - no these are not some new deviant Seven Dwarves, these are just some of the topics I will be investigating, and talking of topics I must say that there is no longer a hazelnut in every bite.
You see already your world is more enlightened by my return - you can rest easy, I am with you, my rod and staff will comfort you.Although I had to fire Rod from my staff for the petty pilfering of hazelnuts.
I feel it is my duty to offer these nuggets of wisdom, these tiny drops of genius, as I am fully aware that they have become so useful to my faithful followers. I am offering you a rare insight into the mind of a guru, a modern day non-religious evangelist if you will, a crusader for a better life.
Place yourself in my slightly sweaty hands and I will deliver you to nirvana, or as close as this bus can get to nirvana, probably Chichester.
If you feel you wish answers to those big questions in life (questions like,what is the meaning of life?) then come close and open yourself up to the wonder of my universe. By the way, the meaning of life - a Monty Python film (1983).
But before we move on, I better allow you time to calm down, you may well be over excited by my second coming...it’s not just anyone who can have a second coming you know!
So, go my brethren, go and wash the sleep from your eyes, they need to be fully open to the possibility that your world will change forever simply because GuruDrew offered you - The View from the Hill.
PS
If do have questions that need an answer just send them to me and I will probe them diligently - I am a very diligent prober!
Coming Soon:
The View on: Laughter, Happiness and Well Being.
Hunger, greed, sex, faith, expression, depression and cucumbers - no these are not some new deviant Seven Dwarves, these are just some of the topics I will be investigating, and talking of topics I must say that there is no longer a hazelnut in every bite.
You see already your world is more enlightened by my return - you can rest easy, I am with you, my rod and staff will comfort you.Although I had to fire Rod from my staff for the petty pilfering of hazelnuts.
I feel it is my duty to offer these nuggets of wisdom, these tiny drops of genius, as I am fully aware that they have become so useful to my faithful followers. I am offering you a rare insight into the mind of a guru, a modern day non-religious evangelist if you will, a crusader for a better life.
Place yourself in my slightly sweaty hands and I will deliver you to nirvana, or as close as this bus can get to nirvana, probably Chichester.
If you feel you wish answers to those big questions in life (questions like,what is the meaning of life?) then come close and open yourself up to the wonder of my universe. By the way, the meaning of life - a Monty Python film (1983).
But before we move on, I better allow you time to calm down, you may well be over excited by my second coming...it’s not just anyone who can have a second coming you know!
So, go my brethren, go and wash the sleep from your eyes, they need to be fully open to the possibility that your world will change forever simply because GuruDrew offered you - The View from the Hill.
PS
If do have questions that need an answer just send them to me and I will probe them diligently - I am a very diligent prober!
Coming Soon:
The View on: Laughter, Happiness and Well Being.
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