Just checking if I have managed to work this out and can now publish audio clips in the blog...
From Our Own Kitchen Table - (Contains Childish Humour & Adult Themes)
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Saturday, 17 December 2011
Thursday, 15 December 2011
What is Variety?
Hello my dear ones.
No doubt this communiqué will find you shivering away in your slippers, terrified of the impending arrival of three millimetres of snow...the queue for snow shovels at Tesco yesterday was amazing.
I was saving up my blog energy for next week when I can talk about the three panto's I will have seen but the pantomime on the telly last evening has spurred me into action - so here we go.
Royal Variety Performance: three words which we will dissect.
Royal - well I suppose the presence of Princess Anne, the Princess Royal, does mean that this part of the title is accurate. Can I just say to whoever buys Princess Anne's dresses - please stop. You have less taste than a man with no tongue.
Variety - we shall return to this word in a moment.
Performance - yes, we saw many performances on the stage at Salford so this part of the title stands up to examination.
Let us return to variety...
the opening number with the various drummers was excellent, Mrs B and Miss Twillets were very taken with the well muscled asian gentleman wearing a nappy and banging a huge drum. Each time he struck the drum a quiver ran through his firm buttocks and Miss Twillets twitched in her chair nearly spilling her G&T. Mrs B is more able to cope with these sights as she has had years of exposure to my buttocks.They quiver too, especially after cauliflower cheese.
Peter Kay wandered on stage and revisited some old jokes before inviting Cee Lo Green to try and sell some records. Is it just me or does Cee Lo Green look like a big sparkly piranha?
Cee Lo Sings @ Royal Variety
This video was taken from the end of the show and he looks quite hungry and I thought he might devour Leona Lewis. He wasn't the only cannibal on stage though, opera star Rolando Villazon managed to get his mouth so wide that Hayley Westenra and the whole orchestra fell inside. If you put your head near his belly button you can hear Hayley singing We'll Meet Again.
I'm sorry Rolando, you look like a cross between Fozzy Bear and Animal from the Muppets.
The show continued in the same way you expect this sort of show to continue, various pop stars plugging their new songs like the aforementioned Leona Lewis and Nicole Scherzinger and Pixie Lott followed by some comedians who are just not as funny as they think they are like Jason Manford, Jason Manford and Jason Manford.
Eventually we did get to see real variety in the show - the Base Berlin act, Remi Martin and Eike Von Stuckenbrok, (should be Brandy & Sticklebrick!)
Two young gymnasts who threw themselves about the stage and up and down a couple of poles in what can only be described as a fantastic display of breathtaking agility and physical strength.
If you didn't see the show please have a look at the video - it's worth it.
Brandy and Sticklebrick
The other real piece of variety was the Boy With Tape On His Face...it does what it says on the tin.
Tim Minchin was great, Penn and Teller did a trick we had seen before, the winner of Britain's Got Talent sang With or Without You in front of a brilliant choir who must all have been thinking.. Preferably Without You.
Historically the RVP has been a chance for some old stagers to make an appearance, and whoever thought of allowing Mick Miller on stage wants a knighthood - a funny comedian. Thank You!
The degree of decrepitude was really ramped up when they allowed the pig in sequins on stage, the return of the incredible melting man, the Mummy returns! Barry Manilow.
Dear god, what has the man done to himself?
I've beaten this path before I know but he does look like he's auditioning for a part in a zombie movie and I can imagine even George A Romero saying - too much make-up!
Real class was provided by Nicole Scherzinger and the Four Phantoms but why did Andrew Lloyd Webber have a stick with him? Was it to keep Cee Lo Green and Rolando Villazon from attacking him?
Tony Bennett. The man is a legend but to be honest as he wandered around the stage talking to the double bass I could imagine the matron stood on the side of the stage waiting to take him back to the home.
When he started spinning on the stage I did fear a broken hip incident or that his candy floss wig would fly into the wings were it would be devoured by the performing cannibals.
ITV managed to edit a four hour show down to 150 minutes, and I don't know who they left on the cutting room floor but next year when the show falls under the hand of the BBC, let's hope they manage to find some real variety to spice up this format.
Let's have Norman Barrett and his performing budgies, let's have Billy Pearce to make us laugh, let's have some great tap dancers but please don't just drag out people with records to sell...I miss Harry Secombe and Billy Dainty and Dickie Henderson and Ray Alan with Lord Charles - I miss real variety.
So, there we have it. Nothing earth shattering, just a little moan about the lack of variety in a variety show.
I suppose the best thing I could do now is to leave you with a clip of the best act from a variety show that I can recall - so I will.
Ladies and gentleman, I give you...
George Carl
No doubt this communiqué will find you shivering away in your slippers, terrified of the impending arrival of three millimetres of snow...the queue for snow shovels at Tesco yesterday was amazing.
I was saving up my blog energy for next week when I can talk about the three panto's I will have seen but the pantomime on the telly last evening has spurred me into action - so here we go.
Royal Variety Performance: three words which we will dissect.
Royal - well I suppose the presence of Princess Anne, the Princess Royal, does mean that this part of the title is accurate. Can I just say to whoever buys Princess Anne's dresses - please stop. You have less taste than a man with no tongue.
Variety - we shall return to this word in a moment.
Performance - yes, we saw many performances on the stage at Salford so this part of the title stands up to examination.
Let us return to variety...
the opening number with the various drummers was excellent, Mrs B and Miss Twillets were very taken with the well muscled asian gentleman wearing a nappy and banging a huge drum. Each time he struck the drum a quiver ran through his firm buttocks and Miss Twillets twitched in her chair nearly spilling her G&T. Mrs B is more able to cope with these sights as she has had years of exposure to my buttocks.They quiver too, especially after cauliflower cheese.
Peter Kay wandered on stage and revisited some old jokes before inviting Cee Lo Green to try and sell some records. Is it just me or does Cee Lo Green look like a big sparkly piranha?
Cee Lo Sings @ Royal Variety
This video was taken from the end of the show and he looks quite hungry and I thought he might devour Leona Lewis. He wasn't the only cannibal on stage though, opera star Rolando Villazon managed to get his mouth so wide that Hayley Westenra and the whole orchestra fell inside. If you put your head near his belly button you can hear Hayley singing We'll Meet Again.
I'm sorry Rolando, you look like a cross between Fozzy Bear and Animal from the Muppets.
The show continued in the same way you expect this sort of show to continue, various pop stars plugging their new songs like the aforementioned Leona Lewis and Nicole Scherzinger and Pixie Lott followed by some comedians who are just not as funny as they think they are like Jason Manford, Jason Manford and Jason Manford.
Eventually we did get to see real variety in the show - the Base Berlin act, Remi Martin and Eike Von Stuckenbrok, (should be Brandy & Sticklebrick!)
Two young gymnasts who threw themselves about the stage and up and down a couple of poles in what can only be described as a fantastic display of breathtaking agility and physical strength.
If you didn't see the show please have a look at the video - it's worth it.
Brandy and Sticklebrick
The other real piece of variety was the Boy With Tape On His Face...it does what it says on the tin.
Tim Minchin was great, Penn and Teller did a trick we had seen before, the winner of Britain's Got Talent sang With or Without You in front of a brilliant choir who must all have been thinking.. Preferably Without You.
Historically the RVP has been a chance for some old stagers to make an appearance, and whoever thought of allowing Mick Miller on stage wants a knighthood - a funny comedian. Thank You!
The degree of decrepitude was really ramped up when they allowed the pig in sequins on stage, the return of the incredible melting man, the Mummy returns! Barry Manilow.
Dear god, what has the man done to himself?
I've beaten this path before I know but he does look like he's auditioning for a part in a zombie movie and I can imagine even George A Romero saying - too much make-up!
Real class was provided by Nicole Scherzinger and the Four Phantoms but why did Andrew Lloyd Webber have a stick with him? Was it to keep Cee Lo Green and Rolando Villazon from attacking him?
Tony Bennett. The man is a legend but to be honest as he wandered around the stage talking to the double bass I could imagine the matron stood on the side of the stage waiting to take him back to the home.
When he started spinning on the stage I did fear a broken hip incident or that his candy floss wig would fly into the wings were it would be devoured by the performing cannibals.
ITV managed to edit a four hour show down to 150 minutes, and I don't know who they left on the cutting room floor but next year when the show falls under the hand of the BBC, let's hope they manage to find some real variety to spice up this format.
Let's have Norman Barrett and his performing budgies, let's have Billy Pearce to make us laugh, let's have some great tap dancers but please don't just drag out people with records to sell...I miss Harry Secombe and Billy Dainty and Dickie Henderson and Ray Alan with Lord Charles - I miss real variety.
So, there we have it. Nothing earth shattering, just a little moan about the lack of variety in a variety show.
I suppose the best thing I could do now is to leave you with a clip of the best act from a variety show that I can recall - so I will.
Ladies and gentleman, I give you...
George Carl
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