Foot in Mouth Disease

Well, here we are again my little gaggle of Guru henchmen and today I am going to talk about talking.

Communication between one human being and another may on occasion break down and the law of unintended consequence takes over - this week we have had many examples where the message got mangled, lost or heard clearly with a variety of results.

Even I, the paragon of precise language, was referred to as 'patronising' by someone I was trying to communicate with via the electronic medium of Facebook. I ask you, have I ever acted in a patronising manner to you, my dear confused rabble? The answer is no - my language guides you on the path of righteousness, but for me your only recourse would be to worship at the shrine of Jeremy Kyle.

Let us recall then, those episodes from the past few days, which have shown how the English language is sometimes as foreign to us as is good manners and basic hygiene to the majority of customers in Tesco.

Case one - and for your consideration I offer Kenneth Harry Clarke, QC, MP, Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice...the man who wears Hush Puppies and should have shoved one of them in his mouth as he tried to talk about rape on a radio phone in.

Here was a case where the subject matter was emotive and therefore the choice of language should have been precise and well thought out. Ken, with his usual bluster and avuncular approach, allowed sloppy language to cloud the message. Not aided in his efforts by Victoria Derbyshire, who I find a little supercilious, Ken managed to get himself into a real pickle and yet when you dissect what he said you find that it is actually factually correct - it was just that he communicated it so badly.

Ken found himself the target of abuse from various fronts including the latest expert in bandwagon spotting, Ed Miliband. Last night on Question Time, the old rumpled fellow found himself being rescued by his knight in shining armour - the saintly and always correct Shami Chakrabarti.

Did that final bit seem insincere? Wasn't meant to be....I have great respect for this lady who even wins the greatest honour this Guru can bestow, I have a nickname for her - Shami Chucklebutty.

So that is a case where a mangled message caused chaos, what about where chaos comes from a clearly heard message?

Case two - most people had never heard of Lars Von Trier, a Danish filmmaker, until he managed to get himself thrown out of the Cannes Film Festival for claiming to be or sympathising with Adolf Hitler and the Nazi ideal.

Von Trier has made some very unusual films, some of which contain explicit images of nudity and sexual activity - his film studio produced hard core pornography and he was instrumental in changing attitudes and encouraging a whole new generation of filmmakers to push the boundaries of taste - he is a clever man, a man who knows how to communicate and understands the power of a message...you have to ask yourself what was he trying to achieve by saying the things he did?

He has certainly raised his profile!

Being provocative is something that I understand, I do sometimes say things to elicit a response, I was thinking about this as I read the comments of Tory MP, Nadine Dorries this week. She was speaking in Parliament about empowering young girls by teaching abstinence in schools and it appeared she was saying that girls should say no and dress less provocatively and the world would be a better place.

I think the world would be a better place without right wing Bible bashing idiots - but some people voted for her, so there we go.

I was once asked during a radio interview about men whistling at women in the street - I offered the view that some ladies might be disappointed if after all the effort they put into their appearance it went unnoticed - it was a little tongue in cheek but on radio, they can't see where your tongue is! This shows that communication is not just the words but the visual cues that come with it which brings me to...


Case Three - The Queen on her trip to Ireland. The mere fact she has been to the places she has been sent a very clear message and her speech the other night in which she spoke about 'historic hindsight' really was one of the most remarkable speeches of her long reign.

Every word well chosen, the inflection perfect, the message delivered with precision - job done.

There again, what do we expect from the Queen's English?

So here is the lesson of the week my children, it's OK to speak your mind but as most of you have feeble minds don't expect miracles.

Adios Amigos.

Blame Culture

Good morning my dears, I hope the world is well with you this fine day.

If it isn't, who are you going to blame?

It seems we all want or need someone to blame every time something does not go as we would wish and the fact is we have forgotten to take into account our own human failings and take responsibility for our own shortcomings.

Let me expand a little, and see what you think of my percipience...

I very rarely watch football on the television, mostly because I don't like the punditry, the overpaid footballers, the cheating, the overpaid footballers, rowdy and rude fans and the overpaid, spoiled, bratty footballers - but all of that aside, it is a beautiful game.

Last evening I sat in front of my television set and I tuned it to the appropriate sports channel (why we need more than two sports channels is beyond me, one for golf and one for other sports would be fine) and I watched Swansea City vs Nottingham Forest. This was the second leg of the play-offs, not sure what it all means but I knew from all the Twitter and Facebook posts that it meant a lot to Forest fans - so I watched.

It was a good game, Swansea played really well and Forest played really well but Swansea scored the goals and this is the important part - in scoring the goals they won the match. After the final whistle  another game started, the blame game:

1.   It was because someone got sent off too early in the first leg (the FIRST leg)
2.   Forest didn't get given a penalty
3.   Forest didn't have any luck
4.   The grass is different to the grass they play on in England and they slipped over on it

I could go on, but you get the idea...

A great shame for Forest and the fans but 'at the end of the day' Swansea got the ball in the net more often than Forest.

The players who missed chances to score and who are paid slightly more than the minimum wage, who are they blaming?

Moving away from football but still looking at blame - we learn that waiting times at a local Nottingham hospital have increased and already people are blaming 'the Tories'.

Now, I'm no apologist for the government but I struggle to see how the Tories are to blame if waiting times are not being met - in fact I don't care about waiting times, an artificial target of four hours seems totally arbitrary and unnecessary.

I think people should all be treated, admitted or discharged in a manner that suits the clinical needs of the individual patient and I have heard of cases where a patient with a minor condition was being treated whilst someone who had more serious injuries but plenty of time on their clock, had to wait.

We should allow the doctors and nurses to use their training and treat patients accordingly - and if you get drunk and fall over and scrape your knee and then have to sit in the A&E all night waiting to be seen - the person you should blame is YOU!

Anyway, that is all I have to say on the matter, and if you don't like what I have to say please don't blame me, it is your fault for not being intelligent enough to know that I am right and you are not - this is why I am the Guru and you are...well, you know who you are.

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We have a late addition to the blame game...it's the fault of Seb Coe that people didn't follow the instructions when applying for Olympic tickets - and it was in no way the fault of the idiots who ordered thousands of pounds worth of tickets when they only have a brass farthing and a shekel in their account!

Morons!

And so sayeth the Guru!