The View from the Hill on Saturday 1st May

It is a beautiful morning here on the Hill and as I was filling the kettle I was struck by the light of the rising sun, emerging from behind the houses opposite, and they way it illuminated the little tree in the front garden - it was lovely.

But don't take my word for it - have a look.

Maybe not the most artistic composition and you don't feel the actual warmth of the sun but hopefully you get the idea.

Hopefully the weather stays fine this morning, we are expecting several hundred people at the funeral for Dean Greenway and I don't really want them all standing in the rain.

On the subject of water - we have a leak in the kitchen - right at the back of the units where you can't actually get to it - a little tiny drip of water that has been silently leaking into the woodwork and ruining the cupboard.

There comes a point where you think, what else can go wrong? Leaking roof, burglar alarm,the flooded dining room etc etc. But Mrs B and I are trying to remain calm, aided by Tesco own brand Pinot G!

Mrs B managed to win the pinch punch battle again this month, I think that must be 7 or 8 months in a row - she lays in bed snoring and you creep towards her ready to pounce and at the last minute she reaches out a hand and pinch punch, your caught - she then turns over and starts snoring again! Amazing.

Anyway, time to make her a cup of tea and then poached eggs on toast for brekkie.

Have a nice May Day....... May Day...what's the emergency?

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'But I must gather knots of flowers,
And buds and garlands gay,
For I'm to be Queen o' the May, mother,
I'm to be Queen o' the May.'


Alfred Lord Tennyson

The View from the Hill on Friday 30th April

Score draw - hung parliament here we come.

In one sense I agree with the Judge who thinks it common sense that a teacher be allowed to beat an unruly child with a heavy weight, but I now think we should offer teachers an alternative and that is to actually exclude these young people from the classroom - not to their homes but to barracks.

If a young person attends school and does not engage with the process, then we should take them away from classrooms and computers and the like and give them a grey uniform and drill some respect into the little darlings.

Not military cadets - but a really hard regime of exercise and controlled diets, no access to X Box and Sky, give them all copies of classic novels to read (but not Lord of the Flies) and then daily lectures from buddhist priests about finding peace in their lives.

And if that doesn't work, then we give them back to the teachers and hand them a dumb bell.

This is Rose Hill Crematorium at Doncaster - please note how regimental everything is. It's all rows, the bricks in the path, the lines on the grass, the rose trees, the parked cars and the tall trees in the distance - so much order, so much neatness.

Perhaps I should reconsider my position on Doncaster - perhaps it is the place where perfect order can be found in the universe.

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You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have, for instance.  

Franklin P. Jones

The View from the Hill on Thursday 29th April

D-Day. Where D = Debate and Day = Day.

Poor old Polyphemus, took his eye off the ball and forgot to turn his mic off and then we had the debacle over the use of the word bigot. This is what happened when they let him out with real people and his carer is not with him - I think his carer is called Sarah? Yes, Sarah the carer who looks after Gordon who is a moron.

But let's see if that  B word was used properly shall we: bigot - someone who is blindly and obstinately attached to some creed or opinion and intolerant toward others.

Yes, it seems to fit in with all we have heard - Polyphemus is a bigot.

He is bigoted towards those who think he should deal with direct questions by using honest answers.

But it is a political disease, the day we find a politician who will give an honest straightforward answer to a question is the day we know the world is coming to an end.

The real trouble is not that he might have misheard or misunderstood what Mrs Duffy said, it is that he was so two faced about it - and it really does reinforce what many of us think about politicians.

We will hear lots of taunting tonight in the debate about where the axe will fall, there will be promises to protect this and that but not much detail about what will happen to the unprotected.

As the saying goes, they will generate plenty of heat but not much light.


The real treat will be to see if Cameron or Clegg can slip a really clever quip in about mic's or bigotry or perhaps GB will throw himself on his sword in his opening comments and repent his sins again before leading us all in prayer.

The only thing that can save him it would seem is if he doesn't turn up and they send his wife instead!


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You've got to be taught to be afraid
Of people whose eyes are oddly made
And people whose skin is a different shade
You've got to be carefully taught

You've got to be taught before it's too late
Before you are six or seven or eight
To hate all the people your relatives hate
You've got to be carefully taught

Rodgers and Hammerstein

South Pacific

The View from the Hill on Wednesday 28th April

I don't like to blow my own trumpet, for one thing it hurts the back of my neck, but I had a phone call from a lady last evening which brightened my day. I had conducted her husbands funeral earlier in the day and as they had lived in a village, many of their neighbours were in attendance.

During her phone call she told me how they had all been asking for my details because none of them wanted anything to do with vicars if they could have a Humanist funeral. She also said that one of her neighbours had planned to leave her body to science because she hated the idea of putting her family and friends through a funeral but now she had changed her mind - so sorry science, I cost you a body!

I think I could possibly claim that Bardney is now my parish - I have converted the whole village in 20 minutes! The power is frightening.

Humanist funerals are getting very popular locally, yesterday in Lincoln seven of the nine funerals were conducted by either Humanists or civil celebrants. I even had a lady walk up to me after another funeral and book me there and then with the funeral director for her dads funeral, cancelling the vicar she had already agreed to have...I love stealing from the church!

The number of celebrants is growing, the standard of some is questionable and there are some who are throwing an awful lot of money at it....like this:


http://keithbrownspeaking.com/civil-services/

This chap lives round the corner from me and is touting for trade...nice website, very professional. I have a little card that I sometimes give out, perhaps I should invest in a website rather than play with blogs and podcasts?


Today I record my entry for the Prayer Project and I will give you a free preview by recording it for the audio blog (if I get the time today).



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"There is no evidence that God ever interfered in the affairs of man. The hand of earth is stretched uselessly towards heaven. From the clouds there comes no help."

Robert Ingersoll

The View from the Hill on Tuesday 27th April

It really is one of those days today - my head is full of dead people and nothing remotely witty, funny or sarcastic wants to come out to play.

I did enjoy watching the South Bank Show Revisited on the Sky+ last night - it was with Stephen Sondheim looking back at the London opening of Sweeney Todd. I would have loved to have seen that show back then, Denis Quilley and Sheila Hancock looked magnificent but there is a buzz about a 2011 revival with Michael Ball and Imelda Staunton - I'll start saving now for the best tickets in London. (That was wasted on most of you wasn't it?)

Sondheim writes such individual shows like Follies and Company as well as being involved with great shows like West Side Story, Gypsy and A Funny Thing Happened on the Way To The Forum.

Somewhere in the back of my head stirs this notion to find some fellow travellers and a couple of pianos and stage Side by Side by Sondheim. (Ponders).

Jake is coming on a field trip with me today, he will be visiting Aunty Sharon in Lincoln whilst I conduct two ceremonies, it would be just too long to leave him alone and he travels well enough - the only problem is stopping him going up and then falling down the stairs.

I hope you have been listening to the audio blog? I can't promise one everyday because they take a little time to produce but I will try and churn out as many as I can.

Well, must crack on, started working at 6.45am - and will be finished tonight at around 7.30pm - see you on the other side!

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Well, then, if you're British and loyal,
You might enjoy Royal Marine!
Anyway, it's clean.
Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been!

Stephen Sondheim
A Little Priest from Sweeney Todd.

The View from the Hill on Monday 26th April

One of the things I can see from the Hill is Sainsbury's - and there are plans afoot to increase this store, to make it a bigger concern and add an Aldi too. The Aldi will be behind the Sainsbury store, hidden from public view but the poor people who cannot get in the door at Sainsbury will be herded around so they can buy something too.

The area opposite the store is all houses and this makes some of the comments objecting to the plans a little non sensical to me - like one idiot who is complaining about the spread of  'out of town' developments. This is IN town development - out of town development usually happens, well OUT of the town!

You see this is what happens when you let idiots express their opinions - there should be some sort of test before you are issued with a computer or access to the internet.  You should be asked to give an in depth opinion on the state of the local waterways or to give your considered opinion about dogs fouling the footpath and then told you must NEVER mention it ever again!

It's the same with the election - letting people vote when they don't understand what they are voting for. You should be asked a series of questions before your allowed a ballot form - simple questions like who is the next Prime Minister, what colour eyes do you have, fill in the blank (how now ? cow) or what colour socks are you wearing?

If any of the answers to the above questions is Brown - send them packing.

Just a quick segue, couldn't give a toss who the new Dorothy will be - and please BBC, keep Norton in his box until the show starts!

Well a busy week ahead and I will fight on regardless of the idiots that assail me at every turn - but in the words of Arthur Seaton - Don't let the bastards grind you down!

RIP Alan Sillitoe

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Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.

Walter Kerr

The View from the Hill on Sunday 25th April

After all that nice sunshine, today we have some rain - pity I decided not to run the London Marathon because a cooling shower might have helped me make it to the end .......... of the first mile!

I did once complete the Lincoln Fun Run and I have a medal somewhere to prove it, but I've never been one for races, I confused easily you see. I did enter a swimming competition once and I wasn't a bad swimmer and I thought the race was one length of the pool - so I went off like a rocket and streaked away only to be told when I thought I had won to keep swimming - I didn't win.

I don't need a very big trophy cabinet here on top of the Hill - I won a bag of coal at bingo once, I won a snooker competition at Pontin's, I won Adult Learner of the Year at college and I have won a couple of talent contests but that's about it really - no football trophies, no fishing trophies - nothing.

Of course as we all know, winning isn't everything - it's the taking part that counts. I didn't even bother to take part.

Never mind - I had other fish to fry (and then eat) and I don't feel bad about the things I have not done because life is about the things we have done, and will hopefully do in the future.

Sunday sermon will be short today, I can't compete with the Foreign Office's memo about the Pope launching a brand of condoms and blessing  a gay wedding so I'm going to leave it for today, have toast and marmalade and bugger off to work.

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Never give up, never surrender!

Galaxy Quest.