The View from the Hill on Saturday 10th April

Thin cut Oxford marmalade on dark wholemeal bread with just the merest amount of butter - smashing way to start the day.

The above statement is the nearest thing to normal I can promise today, we are about to enter the strange and unpredictable world of my strange world.

A gentleman named George Nissen has died aged 96, he invented the trampoline - now on the face of it a little discourse about the joys of trampolining or how it has graduated into an Olympic sport might have been forthcoming - but no! In my head, I hear the word trampoline and I see a giant penis being shown the door, denied the right of presenting Blue Peter.

I don't need any amateur psychology, I believe my reasoning in this matter is clear (to me) and I will try and explain.

Over the years Blue Peter had many presenters, I am a child of the Noakes, Purves and Singleton era. I do recall the arrival of Lesley Judd but after that it all gets a little blurry, that is until the great scandal of the trampolining champion - Michael Sundin.

Michael replaced Peter Duncan in 1984 - he managed 77 episodes before he was booted out of the door for 'failing to have a rapport' with the audience. Michael himself thought the reason was based in him being openly gay, his lifestyle and the fact that letters of complaint had been received at the BBC about his effeminacy.

Whatever the reason, he left and subsequently died aged just 28.

After Blue Peter though, he took on various small acting roles,one of which was to play an artists model in a BBC series called Artists and Models - Gericault. The painting being looked at in the episode was The Raft of the Medusa

Michael Sundin played the part of the young man on the edge of the raft - it was a very well set piece, the differences between the original and the live version were small in number but large in difference - Mr Sundin had a huge penis and the papers picked it up....let me rephrase, journalists had a field day with it....no, that's not right...it was to be reported in the press and the Daily Mail brigade were full of righteous indignation - telling the world that Biddy Baxter had done children a favour by sacking this man. Fancy allowing a man with such a huge penis to speak to children!

So, from trampoline to huge penis in one easy bounce - I don't watch Blue Peter anymore, you never know what the presenters have down their trousers!

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Rest in Peace time folks - dear old Kenneth McKellar has sung his last....let's hear form him just one more time:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXX2AJkKJNI

The View from the Hill on Friday 9th April

I don't like him, I think the hype is far too revved up but I have to admit it - Tiger Woods hits a mean golf ball.

I watched him hit that shot on the 9th hole and I heard the "Oh My God!" from Sam Torrance (who then had to apologise for using the G word) and I was forced to concede that Woods may be a shit human being but a fine golfer.

Luckily, by the end of the day, others had eclipsed him for once - watching Freddie Couples stroll around the golf course in his slippers and shooting a 66 - magic.

Lots of dead celebrities to talk about but actually on this occasion I want to leave this to the Junior Partner who I'm sure will have something to say about Malcolm McClaren.

James Aubrey's death reminded me of A Bouquet of Barbed Wire and how we used to wait patiently each week for a glimpse of Susan Penhaligons breasts - a boys dream come true.

Time to tell a little work related story - yesterday I conducted the funeral of a real character, a man who had died of sarcoidosis - which I thought was only real if your doctors name was Gregory House.

Aged sixty, Mick had died and his family wanted to celebrate his great eccentricities, his love of bow ties and walking sticks, his pet stones and his love of bagpipes - and his love of SpongeBob Squarepants.

The chapel was filled to capacity - I asked the congregation to stand as the coffin entered followed by the family - and then the music started and the place erupted into laughter - yes, he entered to the theme to SpongeBob!

After several tributes from the family we ended with two bagpipers playing Highland Cathedral and I have to say I suddenly understood why you usually see pipers alone on a castle wall, high above and far away - bagpipes are bloody loud!

Anyway, a memorable send off for a real character and the reason I love doing my job.

A long day awaits, and then hopefully an early night with more golf.....sorry Mrs B but as I always say, it is only once a year!

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Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with big boobs.  You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her.

Val Doonican

The View from the Hill on Thursday 8th April

If I had more time I would spend it ringing into Five Live to argue with Victoria Derbyshire and some of the pillocks she has on. Or perhaps Nicky Campbell, who yesterday had a procession of prehistoric class warriors ring in, complaining how you couldn't trust the Tory's because they all went to Eton.

I am not defending the Tory party but if we disqualify people from politics because of where they were born or where they went to school we would be left with a very small pool from which to select our MP.

I don't care if they are posh or not, I just want them to concentrate on doing a good job.

Frankly, half of the present cabinet sound posh to me anyway, The Millipede Brothers for example, both sound the same as Osbourne and Cameron. I just feel sorry for Rory Bremner.

I want educated people to run the country, I want people who paid attention to maths and english because the economy is complicated. The days of sending some shop steward or retired miner to represent his community has passed, we need people who can look beyond their own small minded world and see the bigger picture.

There was much about New Labour to detest, in the same way that there is much about Modern Conservatism to detest, but replacing them with 'common, working people' would be a disaster. Half of them can't even run a household let alone a country.

Cameron dropped a bollock yesterday, didn't learn his lines properly and forget to mention 'gay and straight' in his list of the great ignored. Coming on the back of Chris Graylings gaffe, it opens up the doors to those who want to say the Tory's have not changed.

Polyphemus misspoke and basically called many of the countries top business men stupid and Nick Clegg didn't do anything except point at the others and say we're better than you!

So, not the best start for any of them....things can only get better (we hope).

The Masters start today - hopefully Tiger Woods will fail to make the cut and we will see how golf can survive without him. Plus he will have more time to control his erection and where he puts it.


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The most perfect political community is one in which the middle class is in control, and outnumbers both of the other classes.

Aristotle

The View from the Hill on Wednesday 7th April

Trying to smuggle a dead German onto a flight in Liverpool - and then claiming they thought he was just asleep! Sometimes people act in such strange ways you begin to think that there is nothing left in the world to surprise you, then you hear stories like this.

It is almost beyond belief, and as I sit here now thinking about it, I can hear Stan Boardman revving his engines and getting a new lease of life - it was Boardman who used to hate the Germans wasn't it, saying things like "they bombed ar chip shop!".

Perhaps he will make a comeback and appear on the Royal Variety this year - certainly more chance than 91yr old Curt Jarant will make it to the front row to watch it happen, unless his relatives still think he's just asleep!

I suppose I must mention the death of Corin Redgrave, not because I ever thought he was an amazing actor, but he was a man who fought so very hard for the things he believed in, he fought in such a manner that it no doubt damaged his career, but I'm sure in his own mind this was a small price to pay for highlighting the situation in Gaza and even at home, when he took on Tony Bliar.

Still with celebrity news, Dawn French and Lenny Henry spilt up - how long before we get the gruesome details of how naughty he has been or that Dawn and Johnny Depp have been at it like rabbits?

If I wasn't happily married to Mrs B, I would be off with a box of chocolates knocking at her door!

The big question today is this - should I book tickets to go and see Debbie Reynolds in concert? She is well past her sell by date but she is a legend and how often do you get to see genuine Hollywood legends perform these days?

Decisions, decisions.

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If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush.

Dawn French

The View from the Hill on Tuesday 6th April

4 weeks and counting.

Mrs B and I are great fans of Universally Challenged, we watch it each week and between us manage to answer three or four questions - my lack of a degree not preventing me from participating.

Last night it was the final between St John's Oxford and Emmanuel Cambridge and the best team won - actually the captain of the best team won, Alex Guttenplan - superstar.

He seemed to everything and occasionally a little smile would appear on his face as he dragged a particularly obscure answer from the depths of his vast pool of knowledge.

The phrase heard most on the programme was the sound of a buzzer followed by "Emmanuel - Guttenplan", in fact every time I hear a bell or buzzer from now on I will, in a Pavlovian response, shout 'Emmanuel - Guttenplan' at the top of my voice.

Also on the telly last night, we moved into the final week of Masterchef....cooking doesn't get tougher than this!

The three contestants were in India, and it all went fairly well and to be honest both Mrs B and myself don't have a real favourite as yet.

All three have impressed, there is Alex, or the baby as we call him. Even with his little beard he still looks like a curly headed baby OR Dr Hodgins from Bones - take your pick. Then there is Dhruv, Mrs B thinks he is good looking and at least he does have a bit of  belly so he likes to eat which is a good sign in a cook.

Finally there is Tim, who is constantly described as a children's doctor - is this because they feel no one will understand the word paediatrician? Perhaps there will be angry crowds gathering outside the BBC, people protesting that a child molester is allowed to tempt kiddies with his fantastic puddings or his couscous?

Tonight they are cooking for a famous sniffy French chef, he finds it hard to smell anything because his nose is already on top of his head from being sniffy about the British.

And I will be having a Sainsbury's cheese topped roll with roast beef and horseradish sauce for lunch - sandwiches don't get tougher than that!

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If winning isn't everything, then why do we keep score?

Vince Lombardi

The View from the Hill on Monday 5th April

I have never been sure what Easter Monday is for. What did Jesus do on Easter Monday - did he go to B&Q to return some unused nails? Did he book a holiday or take his caravan to Ingoldmells?

I will have to work but I do get to go without a shave for the second day in a row, which is a real luxury for me these days. So thank you Jesus for keeping me and the Gillette apart.

If the pundits are right, the election gets called tomorrow and then we are off and running in earnest, and the name calling will start to get out of hand. With the likes of Balls and Mandleson, Prescott and Pickles, the art of debate becomes the art of deflection and obstruction - it is not an edifying sight.

We have the Prime Ministerial debates to endure, more name calling and false smiles whilst we try and work out which if the bunch is the lesser evil.

There one thing that might draw people into the process would be some honesty - someone actually answering the question rather than always playing the West Wing game (which is to never except the premise of the question).

Talking about honesty, we had a good honest laugh yesterday. We sat and watched The Cannonball Run, for the umpteenth time, still makes me chuckle though especially the late Dom DeLuise and that wonderful laugh. It is a film that has the outtakes tacked on at then end and they are funnier than the film in some ways.

We followed that by watching Von Ryan's Express with Frank Sinatra, it was a great day for just reclining in the chair and sharing all this with friends and eating the odd chocolate.

The day ended in the company of Jonathan Creek, not the best episode ever but with some wonderful lines from Ian McNeice as Father Alberic. At one point he states "if I do have a vice it is to be screwed on the edge of a work bench"- totally straight faced and very funny.

McNeice is like a poor mans Richard Griffith, huge frame, avuncular and affable - I wonder where he gets his suits?

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The silicon chip inside her head gets switched to overload

Boom Town Rats - I don't Like Mondays

The View from the Hill on Sunday 4th April

Jesus has risen...he was left in a dark room with a cloth over him and it happened. There are only two possible explanations, it's either the Easter miracle or it's yeast.


There are several easter sermons being awaited today, to see how the church handles the sex abuse cases, don't hold your breath is my advice. The news is a sort of sermon on its own today with some pointed lessons to be learned.

White supremacist leader beaten to death - obviously showing that even the supreme are not immune to change.

Tory defends the right of B&B owners to be bigots - obviously showing that Tory's are prats.

English couple denied appeal in Dubai over kissing in public - obviously showing that the couple were not married.

Jordan in dispute over disabled parking bay - obviously showing that these spaces are for the disabled in whatever form disability takes - poor deformed Jordan needed the space for her lips.

Yes, an interesting and informative news pool to swim in today - but joking aside let me just say this to Tory prat Chris Grayling - if you allow people to express their bigotry as you propose you are at the top of one of those slippery slopes we hear so much about - and the next thing you know it's Dubai in Derby and people are being arrested for holding hands in public.

The law is clear - no bigotry allowed (unless you are a Catholic adoption agency of course!)


Liked the newly resurrected Doctor Who - not sure about the boy Doctor yet but perhaps he will grow on us, was amazed that in the flash back scene where they showed the previous Doctors, didn't see Ecclestone?

Any way - have a nice Easter, don't eat too much chocolate (is that possible?)  and remember what the true meaning of easter is all about - four days off!

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Rules of Chocolate Easter Eggs

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Diet tip: Eat an Easter egg before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and that way you'll eat less.

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.  Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives.  Preservatives make you look younger.

From www.guy-sports.com