The View from the Hill on Saturday 26th December
As I look out on this Feast of Stephen, I see trudging through the thawing snow an old man being followed by a young man. Is it Good King Wenceslas? No, it's a man heading off to join the queue at Debenhams to get his wife the present she really wanted, and the young man is just making his way home after a night on the tiles.
I hope you all had a decent christmas day, I was pretty full of fun and turkey, didn't drink too much just a couple of glasses of champagne (it was on offer) and a glass of pinot. I didn't even manage to get to the christmas pudding, so that once again goes back in the cupboard - we will get it out next year and try again. That pudding has celebrated christmas with us for the last 23 years, it would be a shame to eat him now...but if needs must and the belly is willing, he will die for a good cause!
Looking over the assortment of gifts I see I was a lucky lad, a cook book by Rick Stein, the boxed set of Boston Legal, all five series, brightly coloured socks (which I love) new gloves, itunes voucher and some cash and some other items but the star of course is my new video camera.
Oh the fun I am going to have making silly little films and posting them for you all to ignore, such fun!
But now Boxing Day, the day that Mrs B and I stay in our PJ's all day, we have bubble and squeak for tea and we basically do nothing. It would not surprise me if Mrs B remained in bed all day, hot and cold beverage service, snacks on demand, Mills and Boon and a hot water bottle - (sings) Oh it's such a perfect day!
In the past, of course, I would have been out with the hunt, riding up and down country lanes frightening the sheep and trampling on those smelly common folk who objected to the simple pleasure of chasing a lovely fox and ripping it to pieces. Not really.
I didn't mind hunting, they didn't kill that many foxes, more foxes get run over than killed by fox hounds but we didn't ban driving as cruel even if the fox was left injured and bleeding to death on the side of the road.
It was a class thing and I think it is daft to ban things we don't like just because we don't like them!
If I was in charge I would ban Battenburg cake, all soap opera and Radio One.
And Christine Bleakley...I would ban Christine Bleakley and make her live in a small terraced house in Rhyl.
Then I would ban Rhyl!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
On this day in 2004, we all learned a new word - Tsunami.
230,000 people killed and still some people suffering the after effects today.
Many people I work with will cite that day as the day they lost their faith in god, where was god to let that happen, all those innocent people killed?
It is one of those questions that I don't try and answer.
And that's a fact!
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Saturday, 26 December 2009
Friday, 25 December 2009
The View from the Hill on Friday 25th December
Here we go then, it's Christmas Day. Seasonal greetings to you all. By the way, we remembered what it was we forgot, tinned oranges for the trifle - making do with fruit salad and chocolate blancmange.
I have had the best start to a Christmas that I can ever recall, seeing that lady leap the security barriers (new name required) and tackle the Pope was hilarious, although I suppose I shouldn't laugh as the daft old Nazi could have died, he is 82 you know!
Today we will have messages from the religious leaders telling us all how naughty we are and how we should embrace the church if we want to save our souls and the world.
They seem to go into overdrive just because it is Christmas and we fall for it, one church in Nottingham, in fact the church in which Mrs B and I were married, was so inundated with people wanting to sing carols, they had to put on two extra services.
And this is one reason that even on this Christmas Day I feel able to take aim at and fire little barbs of scorn and wit at the organised church and religion - because no matter what I say or do or believe, it would appear that this Jesus chap has done his work well and has managed to weave his magic into our society.
The message behind the birth of a child and his good deeds in life, his sacrifice and his message of love and forgiveness, well this is a strong brew and hard to resist totally. And most people can ignore it but at times like this, they are willing to look past the glaring questions that are thrown up and just put their faith in the story of Jesus and his God.
So, there we go, an admission on this Christmas Day that although I would love to rid the world of churches and bishops and Popes, I know that we cannot win, christianity is strong, it has survived two thousand years and it can stand all the rubbish I throw at it.
Anyway, those of you who read this blog and who believe in Jesus, I wish you a Merry Christmas and to those of you who like me do not believe, well get yourself to Youtube and watch the Pope being tackled and say three cheers for the mentally unstable woman in the red top.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
On this day....well you know what happened ALLEGEDLY on this day, so let's leave it there.
Let me pose you some questions instead, questions that keep me awake at night and questions that you might have the answer to.
When Jesus took off, wandering the countryside spreading his message instead of working, was he on benefits?
What did Mary do with all that frankincense?
Who was Jehosaphat and what made him jump?
What does Gordon Bennett say when he feels like saying Gordon Bennett?
What does Geronimo say when he leaps out of an airplane?
What's any of this got to do with Christmas?
Anyway, going to kill the turkey now, he has had a nice couple of days in the spare room, he has eaten the Paxo I left for him and after a shower I will chop his little head off and then hold a small celebration of his life before banging him the oven. The sprouts are looking well on their way to being a green mush in the bottom of the pan.
Have a great day everyone, hope you (like me) get to spend time with those you love, spare a thought for those who can't for whatever reason, and enjoy life!
Time now for breakfast, crumpets and a glass of Harvey's Bristol Cream.
Here we go then, it's Christmas Day. Seasonal greetings to you all. By the way, we remembered what it was we forgot, tinned oranges for the trifle - making do with fruit salad and chocolate blancmange.
I have had the best start to a Christmas that I can ever recall, seeing that lady leap the security barriers (new name required) and tackle the Pope was hilarious, although I suppose I shouldn't laugh as the daft old Nazi could have died, he is 82 you know!
Today we will have messages from the religious leaders telling us all how naughty we are and how we should embrace the church if we want to save our souls and the world.
They seem to go into overdrive just because it is Christmas and we fall for it, one church in Nottingham, in fact the church in which Mrs B and I were married, was so inundated with people wanting to sing carols, they had to put on two extra services.
And this is one reason that even on this Christmas Day I feel able to take aim at and fire little barbs of scorn and wit at the organised church and religion - because no matter what I say or do or believe, it would appear that this Jesus chap has done his work well and has managed to weave his magic into our society.
The message behind the birth of a child and his good deeds in life, his sacrifice and his message of love and forgiveness, well this is a strong brew and hard to resist totally. And most people can ignore it but at times like this, they are willing to look past the glaring questions that are thrown up and just put their faith in the story of Jesus and his God.
So, there we go, an admission on this Christmas Day that although I would love to rid the world of churches and bishops and Popes, I know that we cannot win, christianity is strong, it has survived two thousand years and it can stand all the rubbish I throw at it.
Anyway, those of you who read this blog and who believe in Jesus, I wish you a Merry Christmas and to those of you who like me do not believe, well get yourself to Youtube and watch the Pope being tackled and say three cheers for the mentally unstable woman in the red top.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
On this day....well you know what happened ALLEGEDLY on this day, so let's leave it there.
Let me pose you some questions instead, questions that keep me awake at night and questions that you might have the answer to.
When Jesus took off, wandering the countryside spreading his message instead of working, was he on benefits?
What did Mary do with all that frankincense?
Who was Jehosaphat and what made him jump?
What does Gordon Bennett say when he feels like saying Gordon Bennett?
What does Geronimo say when he leaps out of an airplane?
What's any of this got to do with Christmas?
Anyway, going to kill the turkey now, he has had a nice couple of days in the spare room, he has eaten the Paxo I left for him and after a shower I will chop his little head off and then hold a small celebration of his life before banging him the oven. The sprouts are looking well on their way to being a green mush in the bottom of the pan.
Have a great day everyone, hope you (like me) get to spend time with those you love, spare a thought for those who can't for whatever reason, and enjoy life!
Time now for breakfast, crumpets and a glass of Harvey's Bristol Cream.
Thursday, 24 December 2009
The View from the Hill on Thursday 24th December
It is very quiet this morning, well it was at 5.45am when I let the dogs out and put the kettle on for that first cup of the day.
We had a little snow overnight but not so much as to cover all the footprints of the various creatures that have meandered through the garden looking for food or a house to burgle.
The lull before the storm - lots of rushing about today, Mrs B is doing her impression of Petula Clarke and going Downtown. She will meet my parents and exchange presents and return carrying some cocoanut tarts, a real seasonal favourite.
I have to dash into Nottingham and rescue Mrs B's present before conducting a funeral at lunchtime - I know, no one ever wants a funeral but Christmas Eve is just awful for the poor family.
Then it's dashing through the snow in a one horse closed in Renault, to drop off some presents and cards before we both eventually come home and clean the house ready for the festivities on the morrow.
There are certain christmas traditions that have to be observed even in this atheist home, Mrs B will be doing the ironing and I will be preparing the vegetables and putting the sprouts on to cook, they need a good fifteen hours before they are done enough for the in-laws!
When we have done all our chores Mrs B and I, who will already be warmed by a large glass of sherry, will settle down with another large glass of sherry and have a snacky tea, chinese influenced to represent the three wise men from the East.
The day will have shot by and we will be shattered and fall into bed hoping for a decent kip before the battlefield that is Christmas Day.
There always seems to be one thing you have forgotten, and I'm sure there is but obviously at the moment I cannot recall what it is! We have a turkey and we have sprouts and we have alcohol and we have a chocolate cake, so we seem set fair.
We also have extra supplies as yesterday I had a phone call from a lady who sold me a raffle ticket in Sainsbury's some weeks ago and I had won a hamper. Now I never win anything so this was a total shock, a mini christmas miracle I suppose. The hamper was stuffed with biscuits and chocolate and wine, there were tinned goods from strawberries to hot dog sausages and then there were jelly babies and dry roasted nuts.
So if the turkey escapes we can at least have a hot dog and the veggies can have nuts! By the way, the turkey had a good nights sleep, he is in the spare room and I did think I heard some gobbling in the night but it's all quiet now.
I think the last thing I won in a raffle was a sack of coal in 1971, but in those days a sack of coal was worth the equivalent of three or four tins of hot dog sausages.
Anyway, time for the second cup of the day - the dogs have gone back to bed, Mrs B will have to be ripped from her pit at 7am and I think she expects perfect poached eggs today as well as her cuppa.
So, here we go, what should be a long and busy day lies ahead and perhaps we should all reflect on that day millions of years ago...sorry, two thousand years ago (I'm not much good at the religious stuff) when Joseph and his wife Mary, heavy with child, struggled through the snow and slush of Bethlehem looking for a room - but of course, there was no room - it was christmas and they hadn't pre-booked.
They found comfort in a stable bare, but then the owner of the stable asked them to put their clothes back on as Joseph was scaring the donkey. There, away in a manger, Mary relieved herself of the heavy child and sent it to Swadlincote. No wait, apparently that should be laid it in swaddling clothes.
The room was suddenly filled with a blinding light, it was all the shepherds and wise men setting off the security light in the neighbours garden.
Anyway, Mary got fed up because she wanted to feed the baby and put him down for the night but with all the visitors and animals there was so much noise the baby was wide awake and Mary had to give up all hope of seeing the Coronation Street Christmas special.
Joseph and the donkey went for a pint, eventually the crowd cleared and Mary and her heavy boy child were left alone. "Jesus Christ" she cried, "I thought they'd never go!" And that's how the heavy baby got his name.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What a coincidence, today is the birthday of two people with whom I have so much in common.
Let me give you some clues...one man was born in 1944 and is a comedy legend and the other was born in 1971 and is one of the fifty most beautiful men in the world. You can see the connections already can't you!
More clues...ok. To You, To Me! Living La Vida Loca.
You got it, Barry Chuckle and Ricky Martin. What a combination.
Actually the two of them are in panto this year, Barry is playing the Dame and Ricky can't make up his mind if he is the principle boy or the Fairy Queen!
And that is a Christmas Eve fact!
It is very quiet this morning, well it was at 5.45am when I let the dogs out and put the kettle on for that first cup of the day.
We had a little snow overnight but not so much as to cover all the footprints of the various creatures that have meandered through the garden looking for food or a house to burgle.
The lull before the storm - lots of rushing about today, Mrs B is doing her impression of Petula Clarke and going Downtown. She will meet my parents and exchange presents and return carrying some cocoanut tarts, a real seasonal favourite.
I have to dash into Nottingham and rescue Mrs B's present before conducting a funeral at lunchtime - I know, no one ever wants a funeral but Christmas Eve is just awful for the poor family.
Then it's dashing through the snow in a one horse closed in Renault, to drop off some presents and cards before we both eventually come home and clean the house ready for the festivities on the morrow.
There are certain christmas traditions that have to be observed even in this atheist home, Mrs B will be doing the ironing and I will be preparing the vegetables and putting the sprouts on to cook, they need a good fifteen hours before they are done enough for the in-laws!
When we have done all our chores Mrs B and I, who will already be warmed by a large glass of sherry, will settle down with another large glass of sherry and have a snacky tea, chinese influenced to represent the three wise men from the East.
The day will have shot by and we will be shattered and fall into bed hoping for a decent kip before the battlefield that is Christmas Day.
There always seems to be one thing you have forgotten, and I'm sure there is but obviously at the moment I cannot recall what it is! We have a turkey and we have sprouts and we have alcohol and we have a chocolate cake, so we seem set fair.
We also have extra supplies as yesterday I had a phone call from a lady who sold me a raffle ticket in Sainsbury's some weeks ago and I had won a hamper. Now I never win anything so this was a total shock, a mini christmas miracle I suppose. The hamper was stuffed with biscuits and chocolate and wine, there were tinned goods from strawberries to hot dog sausages and then there were jelly babies and dry roasted nuts.
So if the turkey escapes we can at least have a hot dog and the veggies can have nuts! By the way, the turkey had a good nights sleep, he is in the spare room and I did think I heard some gobbling in the night but it's all quiet now.
I think the last thing I won in a raffle was a sack of coal in 1971, but in those days a sack of coal was worth the equivalent of three or four tins of hot dog sausages.
Anyway, time for the second cup of the day - the dogs have gone back to bed, Mrs B will have to be ripped from her pit at 7am and I think she expects perfect poached eggs today as well as her cuppa.
So, here we go, what should be a long and busy day lies ahead and perhaps we should all reflect on that day millions of years ago...sorry, two thousand years ago (I'm not much good at the religious stuff) when Joseph and his wife Mary, heavy with child, struggled through the snow and slush of Bethlehem looking for a room - but of course, there was no room - it was christmas and they hadn't pre-booked.
They found comfort in a stable bare, but then the owner of the stable asked them to put their clothes back on as Joseph was scaring the donkey. There, away in a manger, Mary relieved herself of the heavy child and sent it to Swadlincote. No wait, apparently that should be laid it in swaddling clothes.
The room was suddenly filled with a blinding light, it was all the shepherds and wise men setting off the security light in the neighbours garden.
Anyway, Mary got fed up because she wanted to feed the baby and put him down for the night but with all the visitors and animals there was so much noise the baby was wide awake and Mary had to give up all hope of seeing the Coronation Street Christmas special.
Joseph and the donkey went for a pint, eventually the crowd cleared and Mary and her heavy boy child were left alone. "Jesus Christ" she cried, "I thought they'd never go!" And that's how the heavy baby got his name.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What a coincidence, today is the birthday of two people with whom I have so much in common.
Let me give you some clues...one man was born in 1944 and is a comedy legend and the other was born in 1971 and is one of the fifty most beautiful men in the world. You can see the connections already can't you!
More clues...ok. To You, To Me! Living La Vida Loca.
You got it, Barry Chuckle and Ricky Martin. What a combination.
Actually the two of them are in panto this year, Barry is playing the Dame and Ricky can't make up his mind if he is the principle boy or the Fairy Queen!
And that is a Christmas Eve fact!
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
The View from the Hill on Wednesday 23rd December
It's a very cold and sparkly white morning here on the hill, and obviously elsewhere too. The news shows a report of a coach crash in Cornwall with two dead and almost fifty injured, the accident caused by sheet ice.
I can attest to the slippery nature of ice and the apparent non bouncy nature of pavements after witnessing an elderly man take a real tumble yesterday. Mrs B and I were walking back from town and for some reason had chosen a route we would not normally have taken. As we walked we neared a corner shop with people coming and going, there was a lady walking a dog and there was this elderly gent who suddenly flipped up in the air and banged down on the path face first.
It's an awful sight and sound, and we were all a little shocked. The man tried to regain his feet but kept on falling back to the ground, Mrs B and I went to his assistance and I was a little shocked that no one else did!
The man was bleeding from a cut eye so we put down our shopping bags to help him up. Two youths appeared and we asked them to assist us, they looked a little shifty and I noticed that they were much more interested in Mrs B's handbag than helping.
We got the man to his feet and gave him a tissue to try and staunch the blood flow. Mrs B recovered her bags and the youth slipped away. The chap, who did seem to have had a little drink, insisted he was alright and there was nothing we could do as he took his leave and walked away, only to slip again and fall even harder than the first time!
At this point I called an ambulance which soon arrived and Mrs B and I carried on our way.
The thing about this tale is not how wonderful are we for being good samaritans but where did all the other people go? It was only dumb luck that Mrs B and I were on the scene and I was left imagining the man laying in the street, bleeding and wet and cold whilst people ignored him as he got hypothermia.
How strange to think that a christian act should have to be offered by two atheists in a street filled with houses festooned with christmas lights. Even the staff and patrons of the corner shop made no effort to ask if we needed help in any way.
Note to self, if you are going to fall over in the street, don't pick that street!
Mrs B will be fetching the turkey home today. We like to give it a nice final day, feed it mince pies and cranberry sauce before we chop it's head off and stick it in the oven.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
On this day in Oaxaca, Mexico they celebrate The Night of the Radishes. Actually you couldn't make it up!
http://gomexico.about.com/od/festivalsholidays/ig/Radish-Festival-Photos/
They carve giant radishes into various designs, even a radish nativity scene!
This tradition has inspired our local community to model a nativity out of the discarded food found on the streets after a good night out.
There will be bits of half eaten burger, kebabs and the like all put to good use.
In a manger made of a pizza box, on a bed of lettuce, lays the baby Jesus (chicken nugget). Nearby stands his proud parents Joseph and Mary (crispy strips). They are joined by three wise quarter pounders and various shepherds made from doner meat.
It's a beautiful sight, and the animals that gather round are so life like...wait a minute, they are alive...rats!
Oh no, it's terrible, the kiddies are screaming as the rats savage the baby Jesus and leap at the throats of the wise quarter pounders! It's like the rats have been sent by Herod to kill the christ child before he can take on his rightful role as King of Kings!
What a terrible disaster, what an awful bloodbath, the chilli sauce splashed across the pavement and the rats slink back to their dark homes under the slippery streets of Mansfield. Amen.
And that's a fact!
It's a very cold and sparkly white morning here on the hill, and obviously elsewhere too. The news shows a report of a coach crash in Cornwall with two dead and almost fifty injured, the accident caused by sheet ice.
I can attest to the slippery nature of ice and the apparent non bouncy nature of pavements after witnessing an elderly man take a real tumble yesterday. Mrs B and I were walking back from town and for some reason had chosen a route we would not normally have taken. As we walked we neared a corner shop with people coming and going, there was a lady walking a dog and there was this elderly gent who suddenly flipped up in the air and banged down on the path face first.
It's an awful sight and sound, and we were all a little shocked. The man tried to regain his feet but kept on falling back to the ground, Mrs B and I went to his assistance and I was a little shocked that no one else did!
The man was bleeding from a cut eye so we put down our shopping bags to help him up. Two youths appeared and we asked them to assist us, they looked a little shifty and I noticed that they were much more interested in Mrs B's handbag than helping.
We got the man to his feet and gave him a tissue to try and staunch the blood flow. Mrs B recovered her bags and the youth slipped away. The chap, who did seem to have had a little drink, insisted he was alright and there was nothing we could do as he took his leave and walked away, only to slip again and fall even harder than the first time!
At this point I called an ambulance which soon arrived and Mrs B and I carried on our way.
The thing about this tale is not how wonderful are we for being good samaritans but where did all the other people go? It was only dumb luck that Mrs B and I were on the scene and I was left imagining the man laying in the street, bleeding and wet and cold whilst people ignored him as he got hypothermia.
How strange to think that a christian act should have to be offered by two atheists in a street filled with houses festooned with christmas lights. Even the staff and patrons of the corner shop made no effort to ask if we needed help in any way.
Note to self, if you are going to fall over in the street, don't pick that street!
Mrs B will be fetching the turkey home today. We like to give it a nice final day, feed it mince pies and cranberry sauce before we chop it's head off and stick it in the oven.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
On this day in Oaxaca, Mexico they celebrate The Night of the Radishes. Actually you couldn't make it up!
http://gomexico.about.com/od/festivalsholidays/ig/Radish-Festival-Photos/
They carve giant radishes into various designs, even a radish nativity scene!
This tradition has inspired our local community to model a nativity out of the discarded food found on the streets after a good night out.
There will be bits of half eaten burger, kebabs and the like all put to good use.
In a manger made of a pizza box, on a bed of lettuce, lays the baby Jesus (chicken nugget). Nearby stands his proud parents Joseph and Mary (crispy strips). They are joined by three wise quarter pounders and various shepherds made from doner meat.
It's a beautiful sight, and the animals that gather round are so life like...wait a minute, they are alive...rats!
Oh no, it's terrible, the kiddies are screaming as the rats savage the baby Jesus and leap at the throats of the wise quarter pounders! It's like the rats have been sent by Herod to kill the christ child before he can take on his rightful role as King of Kings!
What a terrible disaster, what an awful bloodbath, the chilli sauce splashed across the pavement and the rats slink back to their dark homes under the slippery streets of Mansfield. Amen.
And that's a fact!
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
The View from the Hill on Tuesday 22nd December
It's creeping ever closer to the dreaded day - I still have a little time though before it hits and it was nice to find something genuinely funny to laugh at last night - dear old Victoria Wood, who I predict will become Dame Victoria Wood in the New Years Honours.
With interviews and clips from her career, it was clear for all to see that this talented creature has changed the face of comedy. An early clip of her dressed as a punk rocker and issuing forth was an obvious precursor for Vicki Pollard.
The thing that always infuriates and yet tickles me about Dame Victoria is how she makes ordinary words funny. I can't even say "two soups" without a huge smile appearing and the word "macaroon" takes on a whole new life when said with a slight Birmingham accent.
Her secret of course is that we see these characters around us in the streets and shops and restaurants and work place. They are really really funny because they are really really real! Observational comedy works best when the writer knows that we have observed it first and they have just been the one to point it out. This is her philosophy and she is spot on.
If I was to find an old lamp and give it a rub or if I was to have a genie pop out of my magic ring, I would wish that I had Dame V's talent with a pencil, pen or other writing equipment.
To be able to put words together and leave people with a smile on their face, what a wonderful gift.
In my own rank amateurish way I try my best but I know that Dame Victoria is the Queen, nay The Empress of all that is Northern and funny.
From Acorn Antiques to Dinner Ladies, she reigns supreme and long may she do so.
By the way my other two wishes would be for world peace and a bacon sandwich with HP sauce!
Don't you love HP sauce - it's one of the things that is allowed to dribble down your chin without embarrassment.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
On this day in 1949, two things happened that would change the world forever. They happened in the same place but just a little apart and there was blood and screaming and such a noise as to make it seem like some poor woman was being ripped to pieces by wild animals. And then, there they were...side by side...one with blue tinted glasses and the other in a pork pie hat and sporting a beard. Yes, it was the arrival of two thirds of the plague of the BeeGees!
The Barry had already arrived, now the Robin and the Maurice arrived and the terrifying reign of the banshees was about to begin.
A brave relative of mine tried his best early on to keep them away from the public, he tricked them into a large crate and packed them off to Australia but the little buggers have a very strong homing instinct and they managed to hide away on a tramp steamer and make it back to dear old England - the tramps decided after spending 6 weeks with the brothers to try their luck elsewhere- clever tramps!
After escaping into the countryside the BeeGee's began to mate, the Maurice was the best at this and found himself a LuLu. The Maurice and his LuLu were bonded together for a while but eventually the LuLu was lured away and so The Maurice rejoined his brothers, roaming the countryside, looking for ladies who they could make scream and faint.
The actual mating ritual was never witnessed but we heard reports from terrified villagers. Of course the pre mating rituals of grooming was accompanied by their high pitched mating song. Some people clubbed together but the club wasn't big enough and it broke as it came into contact with the giant mane on the back of The Barry.
Luckily, BeeGees have a short memory span, which is why although they have many mating songs, they all sound quite similar and it is also the reason they were once again tricked into a box. People poked them with sharp sticks for a while but this only meant that more high pitched songs were forthcoming.
Eventually the box was exported to America and the BeeGees were allowed to roam free for a while but soon it became apparent that the homing instinct was too strong and they smuggled themselves home disguised as musical legends.
Sadly the Maurice was to die, but his hat and beard are on display in the Natural History museum.
The Robin is gradually fading away, his blue tinted glasses have cataracts and his plumage has fallen out and he has taken to covering himself in the discarded fur of The Barry.
The Barry or Silverback as he has become, sits in an old box playing with a sharp stick wishing to be poked one more time so as to find one more great scream. He remembers all the ladies he shrieked with and his great white teeth sparkle in the dark.
The BeeGees are officially an endangered species and it will soon only be possible to hear their plaintiff calls through the many recordings made over the last 50 or so years.
We shall not see or hear their like again...thank goodness!
And that's a fact!
It's creeping ever closer to the dreaded day - I still have a little time though before it hits and it was nice to find something genuinely funny to laugh at last night - dear old Victoria Wood, who I predict will become Dame Victoria Wood in the New Years Honours.
With interviews and clips from her career, it was clear for all to see that this talented creature has changed the face of comedy. An early clip of her dressed as a punk rocker and issuing forth was an obvious precursor for Vicki Pollard.
The thing that always infuriates and yet tickles me about Dame Victoria is how she makes ordinary words funny. I can't even say "two soups" without a huge smile appearing and the word "macaroon" takes on a whole new life when said with a slight Birmingham accent.
Her secret of course is that we see these characters around us in the streets and shops and restaurants and work place. They are really really funny because they are really really real! Observational comedy works best when the writer knows that we have observed it first and they have just been the one to point it out. This is her philosophy and she is spot on.
If I was to find an old lamp and give it a rub or if I was to have a genie pop out of my magic ring, I would wish that I had Dame V's talent with a pencil, pen or other writing equipment.
To be able to put words together and leave people with a smile on their face, what a wonderful gift.
In my own rank amateurish way I try my best but I know that Dame Victoria is the Queen, nay The Empress of all that is Northern and funny.
From Acorn Antiques to Dinner Ladies, she reigns supreme and long may she do so.
By the way my other two wishes would be for world peace and a bacon sandwich with HP sauce!
Don't you love HP sauce - it's one of the things that is allowed to dribble down your chin without embarrassment.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
On this day in 1949, two things happened that would change the world forever. They happened in the same place but just a little apart and there was blood and screaming and such a noise as to make it seem like some poor woman was being ripped to pieces by wild animals. And then, there they were...side by side...one with blue tinted glasses and the other in a pork pie hat and sporting a beard. Yes, it was the arrival of two thirds of the plague of the BeeGees!
The Barry had already arrived, now the Robin and the Maurice arrived and the terrifying reign of the banshees was about to begin.
A brave relative of mine tried his best early on to keep them away from the public, he tricked them into a large crate and packed them off to Australia but the little buggers have a very strong homing instinct and they managed to hide away on a tramp steamer and make it back to dear old England - the tramps decided after spending 6 weeks with the brothers to try their luck elsewhere- clever tramps!
After escaping into the countryside the BeeGee's began to mate, the Maurice was the best at this and found himself a LuLu. The Maurice and his LuLu were bonded together for a while but eventually the LuLu was lured away and so The Maurice rejoined his brothers, roaming the countryside, looking for ladies who they could make scream and faint.
The actual mating ritual was never witnessed but we heard reports from terrified villagers. Of course the pre mating rituals of grooming was accompanied by their high pitched mating song. Some people clubbed together but the club wasn't big enough and it broke as it came into contact with the giant mane on the back of The Barry.
Luckily, BeeGees have a short memory span, which is why although they have many mating songs, they all sound quite similar and it is also the reason they were once again tricked into a box. People poked them with sharp sticks for a while but this only meant that more high pitched songs were forthcoming.
Eventually the box was exported to America and the BeeGees were allowed to roam free for a while but soon it became apparent that the homing instinct was too strong and they smuggled themselves home disguised as musical legends.
Sadly the Maurice was to die, but his hat and beard are on display in the Natural History museum.
The Robin is gradually fading away, his blue tinted glasses have cataracts and his plumage has fallen out and he has taken to covering himself in the discarded fur of The Barry.
The Barry or Silverback as he has become, sits in an old box playing with a sharp stick wishing to be poked one more time so as to find one more great scream. He remembers all the ladies he shrieked with and his great white teeth sparkle in the dark.
The BeeGees are officially an endangered species and it will soon only be possible to hear their plaintiff calls through the many recordings made over the last 50 or so years.
We shall not see or hear their like again...thank goodness!
And that's a fact!
Monday, 21 December 2009
The View from the Hill on Monday 21st December
Let me pre warm any readers who have yet to see Avatar that there might be some spoilers in my blog today.
And I mean pre warm as it is so bloody cold this morning!
Yes, I made the time and went with the junior partner to see Avatar in 3D - and I was left feeling 3D film with 2D story. The JP had seen it before and had compared the feeling he had with the feeling that people like me must have had when we saw Star Wars in 1977.
Once again he was wrong, but we can't expect miracles, not even this close to christmas.
There is no doubt that Avatar is a beautiful thing to look at, the technology is so far in advance of Star Wars as to be like comparing a bike and race car. You cannot see where the CGI and the real start and finish and the scenes which contain both human and alien characters are so well done you forget that it is CGI or Mocap.
Being pretty to look at isn't nearly enough though to warrant 2 hours and 40 minutes of screen time.
The story is an amalgam of stories we know so well, there is a bit of Dances With Wolves, a bit of Titanic, we even have the bombing of the Twin Towers. The spirituality of the alien characters is a blend of Native American and African with a dash of Aborigine thrown in for good measure.
We see the destruction of their world with clear resonances of the logging of the rain forests for example and the imperialist onslaught of the British Empire in Africa and the Americans in their own back yard as they wiped out the great tribes of the mid west.
The villains are straight out of the stock villain cupboard, the hard hearted business man, the war beaten revenge seeking soldier. Even Sigourney seems to be revisiting the Gorillas in the Mist!
I didn't hate the film, but I think once the hysteria and hype has dwindled you might actually realise that once the magic of the visual has gone, the film is a little disappointing. The JP certainly seemed to think so and for once I can congratulate him for being right!
Star Wars it isn't, Star Trek it isn't but I'm sure for a while it will be the best thing since sliced bread.
For me, it's the Emperor's New Clothes and James Cameron has been caught with his trousers down!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It seems very apt that on this day in 1937, Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs had its premiere in Los Angeles. Now there is was a ground breaking film that is still watched and enjoyed by thousands today and it's only 83 minutes long.
It was called Disney's Folly before it opened, but at that premiere it got a standing ovation.
I have no funny story about Snow White or the Dwarfs because it would be wrong to make fun of them as they are all dead, dead as a DoDo, and not even the biggest wettest longest kiss from the most handsome, bodice rippingly chiselled masculine and Princely of Princes will wake them up. They are DEAD!
And that's a fact!
Let me pre warm any readers who have yet to see Avatar that there might be some spoilers in my blog today.
And I mean pre warm as it is so bloody cold this morning!
Yes, I made the time and went with the junior partner to see Avatar in 3D - and I was left feeling 3D film with 2D story. The JP had seen it before and had compared the feeling he had with the feeling that people like me must have had when we saw Star Wars in 1977.
Once again he was wrong, but we can't expect miracles, not even this close to christmas.
There is no doubt that Avatar is a beautiful thing to look at, the technology is so far in advance of Star Wars as to be like comparing a bike and race car. You cannot see where the CGI and the real start and finish and the scenes which contain both human and alien characters are so well done you forget that it is CGI or Mocap.
Being pretty to look at isn't nearly enough though to warrant 2 hours and 40 minutes of screen time.
The story is an amalgam of stories we know so well, there is a bit of Dances With Wolves, a bit of Titanic, we even have the bombing of the Twin Towers. The spirituality of the alien characters is a blend of Native American and African with a dash of Aborigine thrown in for good measure.
We see the destruction of their world with clear resonances of the logging of the rain forests for example and the imperialist onslaught of the British Empire in Africa and the Americans in their own back yard as they wiped out the great tribes of the mid west.
The villains are straight out of the stock villain cupboard, the hard hearted business man, the war beaten revenge seeking soldier. Even Sigourney seems to be revisiting the Gorillas in the Mist!
I didn't hate the film, but I think once the hysteria and hype has dwindled you might actually realise that once the magic of the visual has gone, the film is a little disappointing. The JP certainly seemed to think so and for once I can congratulate him for being right!
Star Wars it isn't, Star Trek it isn't but I'm sure for a while it will be the best thing since sliced bread.
For me, it's the Emperor's New Clothes and James Cameron has been caught with his trousers down!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It seems very apt that on this day in 1937, Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs had its premiere in Los Angeles. Now there is was a ground breaking film that is still watched and enjoyed by thousands today and it's only 83 minutes long.
It was called Disney's Folly before it opened, but at that premiere it got a standing ovation.
I have no funny story about Snow White or the Dwarfs because it would be wrong to make fun of them as they are all dead, dead as a DoDo, and not even the biggest wettest longest kiss from the most handsome, bodice rippingly chiselled masculine and Princely of Princes will wake them up. They are DEAD!
And that's a fact!
Sunday, 20 December 2009
The View from the Hill on Sunday 20th December
Another cold morning here on the Hill, the road outside looks a little slippery but passable and we have nothing to worry about when I see what is happening on the East Coast of America.
Our blanket of snow will dissipate during the day I'm sure, and why do we call it a blanket of snow, surely in these modern times it should be a duvet of snow or a quilt of snow - we don't use blankets anymore do we?
We are a little poorer this morning after Mrs B spent a small fortune on phone votes for Team Cola, it seemed to pay off though and for once the best man didn't win! Actually, it depends on your definition of the best I suppose, Hollins had made real efforts and had progressed as a dancer and he was much more entertaining that Ricky Whittle. I know Miss Twilletts, Ricky was prettier to look at!
Saturday evening television will be a little flat now, no more X Factor, no more Strictly and even worse no more Merlin!
The BBC have been doing a good job with Merlin, although it is getting more and more like a small screen Lord of the Rings. With names like Balinor and visiting a pub that looked a lot like the Prancing Pony and then last week with 7 cloaked and masked riders on black horses, I could almost here Dawn French saying "they can sniff your ring!"
If I have time today, I am going to see Avatar - I need to see what all the fuss is about as people seem to be blown away by it with comments like 'better than Star Trek'.
My only dilemma, 2D or 3D?
Well must do some work, sneaking some crumpets for breakfast today (with proper butter, the first in about a year) then writing and shopping and delivering presents and other bits and bobs. Avatar is looking like a forlorn hope.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You will never guess...go on, have a go....oh, you are so close but let me tell you: today is yet another RC Saints Day - St Dominic of Silos, O Clavis and Ursicinus of Saint Ursanne.
One day, three Saints.
St Dominic of Silos is the patron saint of missile launchers (actually protection against rabid dogs and pregnant women though why do we need protection from pregnant women?)
O Clavis is the patron saint of shoulder pads (actually O Clavis is an antiphon not a Saint but of course you knew that already. How silly of me to mix up my Saints and my antiphons!)
St Ursicinus is the patron saint invoked against a stiff neck which is why he is remembered on the same day as O Clavis. (No, that one is true, they really do have a Saint for everything!)
There are no exact figures of how many saints there are, at least 10,000 and rising with the old Nazi in Rome making more.
In fact if you look on the internet you will find some sources that tell you there are nine or ten saints with feast days today - but I have not got the time to take the mickey out of all the saints and so from my labours I will rest.
And that's a fact!
Another cold morning here on the Hill, the road outside looks a little slippery but passable and we have nothing to worry about when I see what is happening on the East Coast of America.
Our blanket of snow will dissipate during the day I'm sure, and why do we call it a blanket of snow, surely in these modern times it should be a duvet of snow or a quilt of snow - we don't use blankets anymore do we?
We are a little poorer this morning after Mrs B spent a small fortune on phone votes for Team Cola, it seemed to pay off though and for once the best man didn't win! Actually, it depends on your definition of the best I suppose, Hollins had made real efforts and had progressed as a dancer and he was much more entertaining that Ricky Whittle. I know Miss Twilletts, Ricky was prettier to look at!
Saturday evening television will be a little flat now, no more X Factor, no more Strictly and even worse no more Merlin!
The BBC have been doing a good job with Merlin, although it is getting more and more like a small screen Lord of the Rings. With names like Balinor and visiting a pub that looked a lot like the Prancing Pony and then last week with 7 cloaked and masked riders on black horses, I could almost here Dawn French saying "they can sniff your ring!"
If I have time today, I am going to see Avatar - I need to see what all the fuss is about as people seem to be blown away by it with comments like 'better than Star Trek'.
My only dilemma, 2D or 3D?
Well must do some work, sneaking some crumpets for breakfast today (with proper butter, the first in about a year) then writing and shopping and delivering presents and other bits and bobs. Avatar is looking like a forlorn hope.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You will never guess...go on, have a go....oh, you are so close but let me tell you: today is yet another RC Saints Day - St Dominic of Silos, O Clavis and Ursicinus of Saint Ursanne.
One day, three Saints.
St Dominic of Silos is the patron saint of missile launchers (actually protection against rabid dogs and pregnant women though why do we need protection from pregnant women?)
O Clavis is the patron saint of shoulder pads (actually O Clavis is an antiphon not a Saint but of course you knew that already. How silly of me to mix up my Saints and my antiphons!)
St Ursicinus is the patron saint invoked against a stiff neck which is why he is remembered on the same day as O Clavis. (No, that one is true, they really do have a Saint for everything!)
There are no exact figures of how many saints there are, at least 10,000 and rising with the old Nazi in Rome making more.
In fact if you look on the internet you will find some sources that tell you there are nine or ten saints with feast days today - but I have not got the time to take the mickey out of all the saints and so from my labours I will rest.
And that's a fact!
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