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Saturday, 19 December 2009

The View from the Hill on Saturday 19th December

It's a very cold morning here on the hill, the frost is laying over the garden like a white frosty laying thing.

As you open the back door and breathe out you breath vapour turns into snow and sprinkles on your slippers.

The dogs are in and out as quickly as they can and there is one positive about the frost, it freezes their dog bombs and makes them so much easier to pick up and throw across into the neighbours garden.

We call it a cold snap, those are two words that all pensioner fear - cold snap! The cold is to indicate the weather, the snap is the sound of all those hips breaking as the pensioners take a tumble.

These sharp mornings remind me of the many night shifts I worked, outdoors, wandering the streets looking for something that would enable me to get warm. Even wearing ladies tights under my long johns couldn't always keep out the cold.

We would walk to all the car sales showrooms and check every vehicle on that forecourt hoping that one would have been left unlocked. You would then try the various places that had night watchmen to see if they would let you in for a warm and a cup of tea.

There were several places that many of us gathered, like Woolworths. This is where Dougie was night watchman. He had a wooden leg and bad fitting wig and an eye for the ladies. He wheezed as he walked and there was always a little dew drop on the end of his nose - he was a real catch!

Then there were the various night porters in the hotels, like JJ and Gervais.

It was whilst sheltering from the cold on one wintery night that I met a legend and fell in love with an overcoat. I may have told you this story before, but it's a favourite so sit down and shut up!

It was a wild and wintery night, and I had headed with frost bitten fingers and toes to the door of the White Hart Hotel in the Castle Square, Lincoln - the only hotel that I knew had a real log fire. It was late and the place was in almost total darkness, JJ let me in and settled me down in the lounge in front of the crackling and warming fire. He then bought me a pot of coffee and left me to my thoughts. I fell asleep and was awoken by a bell ringing and then voices.

JJ was leading a group of men into the lounge, they were late in as they had been for a meal after finishing their performance at the Theatre Royal in Lincoln. There was Peter Wyngarde, Alfred Marks and there, large as life, was Raymond Burr. Raymond Burr! Chief Ironside, Perry Mason...yes!

They all came in and JJ bought them coffee and we just sat and talked, it seemed the most natural thing and he was witty and charming, Marks was funny and Wyngarde was a little aloof but very camp.

The one thing I shall always recall about meeting Mr Burr was his overcoat. He was by this time a very large man and he was wearing the most beautiful long black overcoat and I lusted after a coat like that every day that followed!

There we go, sorry if I bored you by retelling a tale I have told before but whenever it's cold and I go and look for a coat, I think of his coat and that night in the White Hart Hotel.


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On this day in 1998, articles of impeachment were laid against Bill Clinton following the revelations of the Monica Lewinsky affair.

That whole business was very distressing for the Clinton family and so many cheap gags were made at their expense and it would be churlish of me to drag all of that up again after so long....but I am a bit of a churl, so here goes!

My second cousin twice removed, Derek Crown, was in charge of the Presidential humidor. He was the man who kept it stocked with Clinton's favourite cigars.

Sadly, one day whilst checking the contents of the humidor he came to a sticky end!

Do you ever think whatever happened to Monica Lewinsky? Well, let me tell you, she got her degree at the LSE and now has found a new position. She is not popular with her co workers though as she keeps sucking up to the boss.

And that's a fact!

Friday, 18 December 2009

The View from the Hill on Friday 18th December

A historic day, the final breakfast broadcast by the radio legend that is Sir Terry Wogan - I will listen to the whole thing, even though I'm having my ears lowered, I can take the DAB radio!

We had some snow yesterday, about 1 millimetre and of course the whole country went into panic mode, there are queues at Sainsburys as people stock up on bread and sugar and other essentials - Mrs B came home with 6 bottle of vintage Cava!

We really do not cope well with snow in England, it always takes us by surprise and yet when you look at other countries who get much worse snow, they just carry on. The first thing you expect in England is that snow hits the ground, teachers can't get out of their houses so school is cancelled.

How come they employ people as teachers who are so stupid they can't make a school work when a sprinkling of snow appears?

Boise Idaho, Redmond Washington, Brooklyn New York, The Harvard Club, Arizona State University, Mableton Georgia, Denver Colorado, Seattle Washington, Nashville Tennessee, Los Angeles California, Clementon New Jersey - just a little name check to my US readers who all get more snow than we do I'm sure!

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On this day in 1707 Charles Wesley was born in Epworth Lincolnshire. This prolific hymn writer gave the world the delights of such as Love Divine All Loves Excelling, Rejoice, The Lord is King and of course especially for this time of year, Hark The Herald Angels Sing.

What an irritating little shit he was....

And that's a fact!

Thursday, 17 December 2009

The View from the Hill on Thursday 17th December

Because one of my hobbies is film and the arts and because I work with the bereaved it is not surprising that the death of those who have entertained me and others is something I have often covered in this blog.

I suppose it vents that need I have to talk about my work without breaching the confidence of those families I work for.

I noted the death of Roy Disney aged 79, the nephew of Walt but the interesting thing for me is not about his work with Disney, the real life adventures that he produced, no for me it is so interesting that he died 43 years and 1 day after his uncle and 12 years exactly after his aunt Lillian - this part of December is a dangerous time for Disney's!

I love reading obituaries too (it's very depressing isn't it) and over this week have read of the death of Moyra Fraser and Val Avery, neither were superstars but both have worked steadily and in a small way imprinted themselves into our national memory through their work in film and TV.

Of course the majority of people I conduct funerals for are strangers to me, I meet the family and we talk and I try and draw together the salient facts which allow me to talk about their loved one in a manner which is truthful and gives them comfort as they say goodbye. Today, I will be standing up in front of a family that I have some connection to, the family of my junior partner, and they are gathering to say goodbye to the head of the family, to Mr Alan Wallace.

Alan will be eulogised by his grandson, the junior partner, and the whole family will be united in their loss of Alan but in their efforts to remember him for the way he lived and the memories he leaves behind.

Alan was from a generation of men who never found fame and fortune but with their quiet yet determined natures, they literally mined a living for their families. Alan's self esteem was based not in the fact that his efforts would be immortalised on film or TV or even in a book, his efforts will be immortalised in the generations of his family that follow.

Alan was lucky to see his great grandchildren born, he saw them born into a world he hardly recognised and although that may have been scary for him, he knew that his grandchildren and children were equipped with the lessons for life he taught them, about what is important - and for Alan what was always important was being real, being honest, being content and being able to say, this is who I am, this is where I belong.

It will be a hard thing that his grandson does today, but it will make him a better man (not that he isn't a good man already) it will make him a better man as he takes part of what his granddad gave him in life and carries it forward in his, adding to his character all that was important about Alan Wallace.


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Can't really make silly jokes today but it is Wright Brothers Day, the day in which we recall the first powered flight taking place. It was 1903, Kitty Hawk in North Carolina and the historic plane, the Wright Flyer, made this momentous flight. It would have happened earlier but the cabin crew went on strike.

And that's a fact!

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

The View from the Hill on Wednesday 16th December

It is most off putting when you turn the television on and there, without a warning, is Polyphemus Brown. Glowering out of the television with the only glint of humanity coming from his glass eye, he lectures on why the talks in Copenhagen must succeed or do we want our children to inherit a planet with floods and famine? Excuse me, I think we already have such a planet, open your eye man and take a look around!

In the land of the blind the one eyed man is king, perhaps if we all closed our eyes, Polyphemus would become more relevant? In trying to secure his legacy through a climate change agreement we can assume that his legacy of economic stability didn't work out too well!

I'm not saying that having one eye is a bad thing, look at Peter Falk and Sammy Davis Jnr, but isn't it strange that Nick Griffin is a Polyphemus in training - only he would need an Aryan name of course!

As for the children of the world inheriting a planet where they might have to battle floods and famine, well I'm not sure that would be a bad thing. It might divert the little sods who have too much time on their hands and spend it throwing dogs off bridges or stamping on baby deer. It would be nice to see them all side by side, building sea defences at Skegness.

What sort of parents raise children who want to throw dogs from bridges and stamp a two day old deer to death by the way?

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On this day in 1653, Oliver Cromwell was sworn in as Lord Protector. The famous soldier and stand up comedian had already put parliament in its place and would now go on to bring joy wherever he went, he was most loved and revered when he banned christmas - oh where is Olly today!? (Not Olly Murs).

I can let the feline out of the grain carrying device and tell you that one of my distant relatives was an advisor to Olly Cromwell, his name was Rufus Plunge.

Rufus and Olly had been friends for years, Olly was the outdoor type, loved visiting National Trust properties at the weekend, whereas Rufus liked to stay in and read his Bible whilst eating pickled walnuts and ham.

Consequently whilst Olly stayed trim and lean, Rufus became quite large and no matter what he tried he could not lose weight. His horse resigned under the pressure of work but when Olly became Lord Protector Rufus saw his chance and he came up with a plan!

He whispered in Olly's ear about all the things that were bad and not in the Bible and that as a true Puritan Olly should ban, like pies! So Cromwell listened to his old chum and banned pies and then roasting geese and then christmas and then he had all the walnut trees cut down and the vinegar hidden. And so it went on and as Olly banned more and more things that Rufus could not resist, Rufus got smaller and smaller until one day he just blinked out of sight.

Cromwell was devastated by the loss of his friend and died but Rufus Plunge lives on in the memory of this family and that's why I'm determined to ban pies this christmas - well apart from the dozen or so cocoanut tarts my mother will deliver unto me next week!

And that's a fact!

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

The View from the Hill on Tuesday 15th December

Saluton, Kiel vi fartas?

Don't tell me that you don't speak Esperanto! Actually who does?

The twelve days of Christmas approach and we all burst into song, "on the first day of christmas BA gave to me, my holiday plans in tatters". Twelve days of strikes and I really think they have made a mistake - they will be less popular than bankers and MP's.

I have to apologise for the factual inaccuracy of yesterdays view when I said Silvio got punched in the mouth, he was actually struck in the mouth with a replica of Milan Cathedral - you see I have been telling you for years how dangerous religion is!

After a long day driving yesterday, today I can lounge a little, I have some reading and writing to do but a relaxing day beckons. I may even find time to Wii, still addicted to Lego Indiana Jones I'm afraid and at my age!

I don't feel guilty about having a lazy day, I think I work enough evenings and weekends to allow me this luxury of staying in my PJ's until lunchtime.

I might have a detailed look through the TV Times christmas issue and circle those programmes that are a must see - like Doctor Who and Doctor Who.

A brief glance has already shown that Christmas Day TV is a washout apart from the first part of the Doctor Who special.

Anyway, as it's a lazy day, no effort being directed in the blog so I'm off to make a cup of English Breakfast tea for me and Mrs B (is that a poem) and see what they day can be(no, it isn't).

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That initial greeting in Esperanto was in honour of Zamenhof Day, he was the creator of Esperanto.

On this day in 1939, Gone With The Wind had its premiere in Atlanta. 60 years on and it still is one of the most popular films of all time.

It is a film that brings a fond memory to me and Mrs B as we recall the way that our much loved and missed friend Curly Glad used to sit through it every time it was on.

What you might not know is that the film is reenacted in micro form several times a week in our house when the dogs fart and we all leave the room quickly, the only difference is that frankly we do give a damn!

And that's a fact!

Monday, 14 December 2009

The View from the Hill on Monday 14th December

Joe McElderry won the X Factor - Silvio Berlusconi gets punched in the face, I think the wrong one was on prime time TV.

Last evening we sat and watched Sports Personality of the Year and although I was pleased to see Ryan Giggs win, the moment of the evening for me was Jose Maria Olazabal presenting a lifetime achievement award to Seve Ballesteros. I was reduced to floods of tears and through the tears as I watched the clips of him in his glory days and heard the tributes being paid to him, I realised that I would have rather watched Seve play golf for a week than watch Tiger Woods for a year.

They also talked to Tom Watson about his challenge at the Open and again this reinforced my point of the other day, golf is a bigger game than one man and whilst I don't feel any ill will towards Woods I think the golfing press has built him up to such a peak that we have forgotten that this game can and will survive without him.

I recall that awful event when Payne Stewart was killed, that was over ten years ago now, and the loss of such a flamboyant character from the game was telling but golf went on and new players now walk in his place, as always happens, nature abhors a vacuum and something, someone steps in.

Seve bought flair and passion to the game, he deserved his award and I wish him well in his recovery from brain cancer.

I am providing this link for those who are interested, it is the speech that Deborah Smalley made yesterday concerning our towns efforts to raise the funds for a memorial to our fallen heroes, Damian, her son, being one. Sorry about the poor quality, but it is worth a listen.

http://audioboo.fm/boos/82834-deborah-smalley-speech

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Today is Monkey Day, the day when we should celebrate all things simian.

So make a special effort to spoil the monkeys in your life today, make them feel needed and cared for, perhaps give them an extra banana or a lychee for a treat.

Then think about all those monkeys who don't have someone special in their lives, all they do is sit about all day and eat fleas out of their own fur when all they want is another monkey to show up and share their fleas - very sad.

Oh, and all you people doing experiments on monkeys, today is the day to switch roles and let the monkeys experiment on you!

I have a photograph somewhere of me with a monkey on my shoulder, it was called Jeremy. I asked the owner why he had called it Jeremy and he told me that he already had a monkey called Malcolm so this was his second choice. I'm not sure who was handling who really but Malcolm and Jeremy did go on to successfully run a B and B in Dorset, not far from Monkey World actually. Their beds were always comfortable but the continental breakfast was spoiled by the addition of fleas in the granola.

And that's a fact!

Sunday, 13 December 2009

The View from the Hill on Sunday 13th December

It is a very still morning, very sombre and grey and almost perfect for the mood that settled over this household and that of our friends in Horncastle as well as a small corner of Scotland, with the death of Sam, our dog nephew and brother to our boys Jake and Danny.

He was a handsome fellow and full of character, when he Jake and Danny got together you could guarantee several things - Jake would get mounted, Danny would get protective and I would get unbearably flustered by the whole thing.

If you are a dog lover you will be only too aware of the pain of losing a loyal friend and family member and Mrs B and I shed our tears last night and intend to spoil Jake and Danny just a little more than usual today.

Later this morning I will be making my way down into town to witness the March for Heroes, a chance for the people of Mansfield to remember with pride the sacrifice of local men, including Damian Wright whose funeral I was asked to conduct.

I hope they reach their fundraising target and we can have a permanent memorial to his memory and that of all local men who gave their life for this country.

On a different front but still related to a brave young man, I was pleased to hear that Matt's Fund has raised over £44k which has enabled the Cancer Research Unit at Nottingham University Hospital Trust to attract a further £197k in funding to carry on a project related to Immunotherapy and treatment for Malignant Melanoma. I know Bob, Di and Dan are so pleased and I am happy to help where ever I can.


The memory of both Damian Wright and Matt Boulton live on through the work of their families and friends and as a Humanist I suppose this is the only sort of immortality I can believe in - I know I come across as a grouch and a christmas hater, that's because I am, but that doesn't mean I don't wish all of you a wonderful time over the coming weeks with your family and your dogs and I just hope you can find a thought for those who will have a gap in their lives this christmas.




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Not a great day for humour but I must mention that on this day in 1925 the great Penis Lorry Lesbian was born. Penis Lorry Lesbian changed his name of course and found fame as the purveyor of the worst Cockney accent in history - we all love him as that cheeky sweep in Mary Poppins and as Dr Mark Sloane in Diagnosis Murder but of course he has been part of TV history and I have vague memories of him and Mary Tyler Moore in black and white.


Happy birthday Penis


And that's a fact!