Send In The Clowns

Send In The Clowns
Friday 13th December

Was there no sense of forethought in the Conservative Central Office when planning this election? The first day of this new regime is Friday the 13th!

Awful things are supposed to happen on Friday 13th, but we don’t believe in all that superstitious clap trap do we?

I mean, what can possible be scarier or more terrifying than this bloody election result?

Yes, the results are in…

Only one of two things can happen now. It’s either sunshine forever as Boris leads us to the promised land or…(in your head please hear the opening chords of War of the Worlds).

(The next section is to be read in your best attempt at Richard Burton’s voice. If you can’t do Richard Burton try Liam Neeson but it won’t be as good. If you can’t do either Richard Burton or Liam Neeson then just use any voice but please let me know who it was, so I can pay them royalties, thanks).


And so it began…on the eve of the third decade of the 21st century, a time of darkness, corruption and pestilence descended upon the land.


People wailed in the streets, (please add authentic wails here; they can be humpbacked if you wish, in tribute to Star Trek IV:The Voyage Home).

Yes they wailed I tell you.  Wailed for deliverance; but the deed was done and now only history would tell if we would survive long enough to actually have a history.


An ancient oracle was sought out, which was not easy as it hadn’t been seen on British TV since 1992!    After its palm was crossed with bitcoin, it revealed itself and began oracling.


“I foresee times of great hardship as Brexit trade discussions flounder and fail” it prognosticated.

Not quite so oven ready after all it would seem, as Boris had forgotten to remove the giblets!

Dread stalked the remains of the Liberal middle classes as rumours of an impending scampi famine spread across the internet.  Panic ensued, as they thought of all the vast quantities of tartare sauce going to waste!


But Boris had the answer. “It’s all caused by that awful flotilla of French and Spanish fisherman, plying the North Sea, luring wayward cod and floundering flounders into their evil foreign nets” he blubbered.


But then he remembered to remember what we had forgotten to remember, and he shouted above the tumult:  “Fear not; for now we are truly free to take back control”!

Boris was in heaven…he stood there, legs akimbo, just gagging to show people his election.

For the election had given him the power he had always desired.

As he stood there, stroking his throbbing majority, he smiled as he realised that he, and all who followed him,  were free to say ‘bum boys’ or ‘letterboxes’ without fear of being dragged to a Brussels courtroom.

As he tousled his already over tousled hair he talked about how people can now proudly display St George’s flags and go Morris dancing through the aisles of Aldi & Lidl whenever they please!

We are English and we have elected an Englishman to lead us!

(Scottish Nationalists please don't be offended, I’m trying to make  a point)



Yes, we have an Englishman at our helm.

A man who cares about us and who has saved us from the evil clutches of Corbyn. My God, if Corbyn had been elected we would all have been speaking Venezuelan by the New Year!

Boris. Our Boris. A man who cares about the same things we care about, like freedom and justice and the truth!

Yes, Boris Johnson really does care about the truth (almost as much as Dr Harold Shipman cared for the elderly!)

But we must not forget that this was a huge day for democracy - around 66% of the people voted and if only the other 34% could be bothered, well who knows? Who knows indeed….

OK, joking aside, I’m in a minority (not for the first time), and I’ll take it like a man and you’ll never hear the words ‘second referendum’ pass my lips!

But mark you, and mark you well, if things go wrong, I shall not be blaming this odious toad of a PM - I’ll be blaming the people who fell for his evil charms.

Now all of you bugger off and have a lovely day…I’ve got scampi to source.




PS: On the topic of Friday 13th, please don’t believe all that bad luck stuff.

Earlier today, I was just about to walk past a ladder but I saw a black cat coming towards me so I walked under the ladder. And I’m still here to write this blog, so that’s not unlucky at all is it?

Sadly the cat was eaten by a bear, but it serves him right for treading on the cracks in the pavement.