A Week Is A Long Time....

...in politics. So said Harold Wilson, smoking his pipe and wearing his raincoat like a cross between Columbo and Monsieur Hulot.

Now you know me my children, I do have political views and I sometimes mention them but of course politics and religion are two of the things that always cause friction when debated - and I have been the cause of much friction over the years.

Talking of friction - this week I was approached by a man who asked me to do something I had never considered. He smiled nicely, he said lots of nice things and he did his best to persuade me that I should try it. If I didn't want to do it at home he could arrange for me to do it where no one would know me.

It didn't need to be a one off either, he had plans for the future.

I said that I thought Mrs B wouldn't like me to do it - and she didn't.

So, I had to let the man know that I would not be able nor willing to do the thing he had asked of me - and already I hear John F Kennedy yelling from the annals of history - 'what can you do for your country?'

Becoming a local councillor - couldn't do it. First of all, where would I get the time, it would mean neglecting you, my cyber flock.

Secondly, I think anyone looking at some of the things I have said in the past about...well, about everyone and everything really, they would have a field day throwing it all back at me. How can you take a man who writes this sort of shit seriously?

And perhaps that is ultimately the real reason I don't want to join the ranks of the motivated local citizenry - I would have to give up speaking my mind...I wouldn't like that. I'd have to start going to London and marching, and that just looks really boring and you'd miss Harry Hill's TV Burp.

I thought all about these things as I walked down to the bank in Mansfield - another cock-up ensued with the paying in machine but I expect that now from Nat West, useless bunch. As I walked out of the bank I spotted a performance artist, he was dressed in a totally gold costume, a cavalier get-up, and he was standing on a box like a big statue - not moving a muscle. I dropped 20p in his pot and told him there was a great job opportunity going at Nat West for a man like him - he would just have to learn to slow down a little.

Anyway, I walked around town, looking at my fellow travellers and thinking how could I represent these people? Most of them probably shop in Tesco and so they would never vote for me. The only time any of them put an X on a form is when they sign their names. Educashun, Educashun Educashun!

The best way I can affect change is to carry on being me - fearless in the crusade against all things and all people - perhaps I should start my own party - here is my slogan - Vote for the Guru, he won't make your life any better but unlike most politicians, he wont make it any worse!

I have had a brush with public service before, almost becoming a magistrate - same restrictions ended that really, I like to say what comes into my head and I don't like to be told 'you can't say that'.

No, I can do my best work from the comfort of my office chair, poking my digital digits into the metaphorical pies of others and then offering my opinion on their pastry...

I don't think I will be a great loss to the political world - I would be a loss to you, wouldn't I, my little gang of confused and bewildered monkeys. Sat in front of your computer screens, scratching your head and saying thank you dear Guru, thank you for not deserting us.

As if I would...

Finally let me say thank you to that certain gentleman who made the offer, it was flattering to be considered as almost normal enough to run for public office.