Like You've Never Been Gone

3 months - how have you all coped?

After such a long hiatus I expect you have rushed to this latest post thinking you will learn something really important about life and death...and you would not be wrong. What I have to say could change the world and indeed save the world from destruction! You can't get more important than that.

Old people and dogs... after deep contemplation and hours of sleep deprivation I have decided they are a very dangerous combination and should be banned for a variety of reasons which I shall now explain.


I love dogs; they are often easier to get on with than people, and as I drive about my ever growing parish I often see dogs being walked by a variety of people young and old.

Just today though I saw a very old lady walking a very beautiful Shetland sheepdog by the side of a very busy road. The poor old lady was struggling to put one foot in front of another and the dog was very patiently plodding along, occasionally looking back at her owner thinking 'I wish I had that much hair on my chin'!

The dog looked about 2 or 3 which is teenage in human terms I suppose. The old lady looked about 476 in dog years.

I think dogs like old people because they smell of biscuits and if the dogs wee on them nobody can tell. Old people like dogs because they can buy dog food and pretend it's for the dog.

Old people are really spoiled in the UK and they are all rolling in it...although you can get pads for that now.

But we have to stop worrying about old people and worry about the dogs!

It occurred to me that the poor old lady could die at any second, and if she did what would happen to the dog? If the lady fell and in doing so released the lead, what would happen to the dog?

It could run into the road and get killed or it might cause an accident in which a car might swerve to miss the dog and run over the semi conscious pensioner!

Now what if the car mounted the pavement narrowly missing the old lady but swerves back into the road and collided with a lorry coming the other way? And what if that lorry was carrying a nuclear bomb - the result could be the total obliteration of the human race.

And all because some old dear was selfish enough to own a dog.

I'm already planning my letter to the Prime Minister telling him to stop worrying about equal marriage because if he doesn't do something about the pensioner pooch scenario nobody will be getting married - we'll all be dead.

It's totally logical and I cannot see any clear argument against my proposition.

I think UKIP will soon have this as official policy although initially they will start by banning pensioners from any dog except British Bulldogs.


We have to protect dogs from the elderly and in doing so we can save the world - will you join me in this crusade?

If you wish to support my campaign please send all the money you can spare to:


The Guru Drew

Save Our Dogs - Screw Our Pensioners.




Must go now... the ward orderly is telling me my computer privileges are being suspended.

See you in 3 months.