We Are All Going To Hell...

but at least we will all be together dear children - so fear not the wrath of the Phelps Family and the Westboro Baptist Church because after we have all been sent to hell, they will be left alone and there will be no one for them to hate and then they will have nothing to do...except die.

You guessed it my little sinners, I eventually got around to watching Louis Theroux re-visiting the awful Phelps clan - they are poison personified and if freedom of speech and freedom of religion are more important than protecting innocent children and the truth - then we really are deserving of our place in hell.

In fact we are there, hell on earth - allowing these bigots to hide behind the laws of a land they do not respect - talk about playing the system.

Anyway, I hope the sad bunch eventually die out through lack of new blood - I mean you can only inbreed so far and then you end up with...The Westboro Baptist Church!

Let's celebrate some good news, good things do happen on this earth, some do get the rewards for hard work and following the teachings of the Guru - even I benefit and yesterday all my dedication to the cause of enjoying life paid off.

On 20th June, at the Royal Albert Hall, there will be held a memorial concert for the late John Barry.  I knew there was no hope of getting tickets and I had tried to remain positive but in my heart I knew I was fooling myself - but then I awoke yesterday full of energy and a strange feeling deep in my stomach - but I managed to get to the toilet in time and then settled down at my computer and waited.

I secured the first four tickets with relative ease but I needed two more - I was in the queue, 475th, but I did not give in to doubt - and my hope was repaid...I secured the two extra tickets and the nice lady even managed to get all six in the same place!

So, give it up for the power of the Guru and positive thinking.

I'm sure the Phelps family are already on the way to picket the John Snow pub in Soho - same sex kissing indeed - go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect your 15 minutes of fame!

What a load of fuss about nothing - so two boys had a kiss, the man who complained probably would not have said much if it was two girls! In fact he probably pays his £5.99 to some adult film channel to watch it at home. It's 2011 folks - time to accept that people are free to be who they are. I don't suspect anyone would object if I gave Mrs B a great big kiss in public (she might) and an expression of love and affection should be applauded not feared.



So, my gang of hell bound miscreants, according to the church of the chosen Jesus is coming - so better do as a wonderful piece of graffiti I saw the other day stated - 'Jesus is coming - look busy'!

The Future Is Bright...

Greetings once again from the lofty hilltop palace of knowledge and your ever vigilant and thoughtful Guru.

The last few days have flown by in a blur of activity as I entertained the senior branch of the clan, the endless blur of garden centres and jacket potatoes leave my head in a spin. Although my body has been busy with the care of the elderly and bewildered my brain has been searching the universe for the answers to many questions, for example, if god exists why does he allow cruelty and famine to stalk the earth? Or even more seriously, why does he allow so much football on television?

Questions and answers - but sometimes a little light goes on and a bright idea pops into your head.

I see on the news a shepherd on Dartmoor has painted his sheep orange to stop them being stolen - this is nothing new, I determined long ago that 'orange' was a brilliant crime prevention strategy.

Let's examine the facts: no one has ever stolen Dale Winton.

Try this experiment at home - take one chocolate biscuit and one orange, leave them near a child and turn your back for 58.7 seconds - when you turn your back back, you will find the biscuit has been stolen and the orange has not.

Think about this - how many Buddhist monks get stolen each year? Not many - but Rabbi smuggling is  big business!

It's no wonder Anne Robinson presents Crime Watch - with her blazing orange hair, she really scares the criminals!

I'm sure you can find your own example of how orange prevents crime, and the obvious exceptions including orange mobile tariffs which are daylight robbery!

So, take care and remember, as Shaw Taylor always used to say on Police 5 - 'Keep 'em peeled'!

But don't keep your oranges peeled as they are not as effective as a crime prevention tool.

Celebrations

Greetings to you all, my little band of merry men and gleeful girls...what a wonderful day, a day to celebrate, a day to enjoy.

Mrs B is officially a little older and this morning it was my great pleasure to give her something she hadn't had for ages - well it is her birthday.

Her little eyes shone and her mouth fell open in awe and surprise as she was greeted by the sight of the surprise gift - I even managed to make it look nice for a change.

She laughed at the ribbon and jerked it free before the full wonder of my generosity came across her face...yes dear ones, she saw that lovely thick salad cream and the little chopped up vegetables and she wept with joy...Heinz Sandwich Spread!

Mrs B drops these subtle hints and this was one I picked up on - she hadn't had sandwich spread for years, well now she can have a whole jar to herself.

There were other gifts but they were personal.

Have a nice day Mrs B - love ya!