This is exciting isn't it? The master is rediscovering his old touch and is reaching across the void of the internet on a more regular basis, to connect with his minions and acolytes.
It's a modern day resurrection and I feel the need to spread my message because like butter and manure this sort of magic is at its best when spread.
A daily dose - are we up for it?
I'm sure I can find some time in my busy schedule to share with you all, and time is the greatest gift that any man can give to another...but if Mr and Mrs Bayford want to share some of their £148 million with me I would be very grateful.
That must have been one of the best days of anyones life - realising that you would have the resources at your disposal to do all the things you would want to do in life - like buy Spain or Greece.
I buy my lottery tickets online and I love it when you get the email headed 'Good News About Your Ticket'. The last time I received such a notification I discovered the good news came to £2.90p - not quite life changing.
Post Olympic blues have come and gone, the Closing Ceremony (or as I prefer to call it Walking Dead:The Musical) was emotional but didn't have the same resonance as the Opening Ceremony but luckily, now the BBC have nothing live to broadcast, we will have a repeat of the Opening Ceremony on Saturday.
X Factor returns as well as Ant & Dec, Total Wipeout too - the creative teams are really earning their money!
I do wonder how many undiscovered talented singers there can be left in the country now, but I'm sure we will see there is no shortage of undiscovered untalented ones still left to humiliate.
On the subject of humiliation and the Olympics - did you see all the fuss about the report on the Olympics being 3,000 years old?
If you searched the internet or Twitter, you discovered a multitude of people questioning the maths of the claim - people who can turn on a computer but think it impossible for the Olympic Games to be 3,000 years old as it is only 2012!
And who said modern education wasn't up to much?
Some of the idiots were creationists so that sort of explains their lack of common sense.
Creationism isn't really that big a business in the UK but in America there seems to be no shortage of people who all agree the world was created by god but they do have slightly different takes on when and how it happened.
Young Earth creationists believe that the Earth was created within the last ten thousand years, they would say that the biblical account in Genesis is accurate. Some of them also agree with the calculations of Archbishop Ussher (1581 - 1656) who worked out that god started his creation on or about 23rd October, 4004 BC - it was a Sunday of course!
There are Old Earth Creationists too, including Gap Creationists who will tell you that god didn't actually make the planet and then populate it straightaway, he left it 'without form or void' and then came back to it later, after a gap of indeterminate time, just found it all sort of desolate and decided to do it up - a bit like Grand Designs but this was a really grand design.
They would tell you that any fossils that predate their timeline must have been deposited by the devil.
Anyway, there are millions of these lunatics who have decided that scientific research is also the devils work and we should just give ourselves over to faith and the questionable mathematical skill of an Irish Bishop who basically read the Bible and added up all the ages of the kings and prophets and it came to about 4000 so that must be when the world was created.
(long pause or gap)
Sorry about that but I have a most serendipitous happening to report. The door bell rang and it was Janet and Sandra, otherwise known as the JW's. This months Watchtower is headlined 'Miracles - Do They Really Happen?' Answers on a postcard please to Jehovah, The Watchtower, USA.
Actually as you read the article you realise we have a lot to look forward to - no hunger, the blind restored to sight and wheelchair makers will be going out of business left, right and centre. Hold on, if miracles are bad for the economy I can't see Vince Cable allowing them!
I decided to test the lady messengers from god and I asked when was the Earth created. I took for granted they did believe it was created and did not evolve otherwise they wouldn't be going door to door delivering Jehovah's message.
So, here we have the answer from an actual source in the hierarchy...
First of all we must not get confused with time issues. Although Genesis states that the earth was created in seven days that does not mean they were seven days of 24 hours. Their god could decide how long a day was and Sandra explained that for them this meant creation started 49,000 years ago. So, a day must equal 7,000 years I suppose.
She also said that we are still living through the final day of creation which started around 4000 BC (a touch of the Ussher creeping in here) so until the year 3000 we are still being created.
But hold on I said, I though on the seventh day the master builder rested!
Oh yes, a quick recalculation followed - now apparently man was created at the end of the sixth day. So let me see if I understand, god created man after about 42,000 years...talk about cowboy builders!
Anyway, I think it is clear to see that even those with insight into the miracle of creation are a little confused over the details.
Just one final question - who decided that a day was 7,000 years? No answer.
Well, I have wasted enough of my day on you, I have errands to run and then later this evening a trip to the theatre to see a touring production of Chicago (jazz hands at the ready).
Thank you for taking the time to immerse yourself in my Class and Razzle Dazzle - remember All I Care About is you, and as for the great creator, the ultimate Mr Cellophane - well he is sleeping on the job again so you have a nice day And All That Jazz.
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