The Cold Shoulder

Another Monday morning and what stretches ahead is a week filled with pain, as so many weeks in the past have been filled with pain - but because I am a man, and a fine example of the species, you will never hear me complain.

I have a bad shoulder, it's been giving me some problems for a while and means that if I move my arm in a certain way excruciating pain rips through my body and it is only my self control and manly resolve that prevents me from passing out.  Luckily, the action of typing does not cause pain - well not for me anyway.

I can still lift my fine china tea cup as well as my glass of Pinot, I can still manage to open the odd packet of Quavers and I even managed to cook a very fine meal for Mothering Sunday (slow roast shoulder of lamb, cooked on an organic trivet of carrot, shallot,celery and potato). There was plenty of meat left over so I will be able to put my pain aside and make a batch of curry - that's one way to deal with cold shoulder.

As a man who holds firm views about certain aspects of life, I have also had to get used to the other sort of cold shoulder, living life apart from the mainstream, persecuted for my views and not allowed to reach my full potential - I was thinking about this the other day, how great I could be if I had the chance to be on the television.

Perhaps I should apply to go on The Big Question, the BBC Sunday morning discussion programme - I watched a bit of it again this week, it always makes me angry. This week they had that bitter old failed actress Ann Atkins on, a rabid God-botherer who looks down her nose at the likes of me. Excuse me for asking but why does her opinion matter?

I will begin my campaign to get a seat on that programme so I can tell the world my view and perhaps then the cold shoulders will turn into open welcoming arms, the same manner of welcome I get from you my dear faithful, mindless sheep in the flock of the Guru.

I have so much to give and to share, there is so much you can learn from me - for example, if you want to save money on your shopping, don't buy a new dispenser of sweeteners, buy the refill pack...I know you've tried it before and I know it took forever to get all those little pills through the little hole in the bottom of the dispenser but I am here to tell you that there is another way - the damn thing has a lid.

Oh well, the pain in my shoulder needs toast and another cup of tea, I must then prepare for a visit to the dentist - more pain. But I am a MAN and no sign of the agony will be seen on my face (my buttocks might be very tightly clenched though!)