Sleep Tight

...and mind the bedbugs don't bite. This was one of the ways we were despatched to our beds as children, not that we had bedbugs, we were too poor for bedbugs. Instead of bedbugs our parents used to fetch a baby rat in from the coal shed and let it nibble our toes. We would fall asleep immediately, fearful of the rat making progress up the bed if we didn't close our eyes.

Going to bed was known as 'climbing the wooden hill to Bedfordshire' and in those far off days of my childhood, we would take care that our candles did not set fire to the counterpane. Continental quilts indeed! Mr Edward Heath has a lot to answer for with his Common Market and his fancy bed coverings.

Now, I can hear you all gasping with amazement that The Guru has enough energy at this time of night to set finger to keyboard, well I can tell you my fingers are full of energy and could easily have been put to another use but I am alone in the house and I needed the company - and it was either communicate with my little horde of slightly deluded followers or talk to the spider in the bathroom, whose name is Ethan.

I call him Ethan in honour of the Tom Cruise character in the film Mission Impossible - do you recall the scene when he descend from the roof into the vault, well that's how Ethan the spider arrived in front of me in the bathroom. I'm afraid he gave me quite a shock and I nearly messed myself - luckily I was in the right place and it all turned out for the best.

Yes, alone in the Guru Presidential palace whilst Mrs B is in Spain, drinking cheap gin and talking to bull fighters I'm sure.

The house feels very empty, there is nothing on the telly as I refuse to watch Alan Sugar so here we are, getting on for half past ten and I have taken my tablets and now I sit alone and ponder.

I don't want you to feel sorry for me, my dear kind friends, I am quite OK really - but it does remind me of how lucky I am to have someone to share my life with. My heart goes out to all of you who have to live alone for whatever reason.

Now this is getting a little maudlin and I don't want sad little faces as you all tuck yourselves in for the night - so go, be happy and remember as Harry Connick said - it's better to be happy in a cardboard box than live alone in a castle...