It's Sunday and here I sit in my nicely tidied office at the Ashram, contemplating the week passed and the week ahead. Suddenly, I decided that I should bother my followers with a little explosion of concern, an ejaculation of anxiety if you will.
Which reminds me, I learnt yesterday that the reason some faiths used to ask women to keep their heads covered is because the superstitious monkeys thought that sperm was stored in hair...stay with me. The hair on a ladies head has the power to suck sperm up her body after sexual intercourse, so you didn't want all that sperm laden hair just staring at you did you? Keep it covered ladies!
I head this story from a lady vicar named Kate Bottley, she is more recently become famous for a viral video clip of her 'flashmob' dancing with the congregation at a wedding.
She is one of those 'reasonable' vicars who swears during ceremonies and offers ice-pops to her congregation on hot days. The sort of vicar who has a quick retort for every dig at religion and offers a 'reasonable' answer to the sort of questions people like me send in her direction.
By the way, I use the word 'reasonable' as it was a word used to me in describing this modern almost secular approach to faith. The actual quote was "it all seems very reasonable, and what's the harm in religion being human".
So, a 'reasonable' vicar, the sort of vicar who avoids the literal reading of the bible, embracing instead both science and faith by accepting the concept of evolution and thereby undercutting any chance of debating the idea of god or gods in any logical way.
These sorts of 'reasonable' vicars make religion appealing to the masses by basically inviting and allowing you to believe in both fact and fiction and treating them as equally valid.
Kate Bottley is a force of nature, larger than life and someone who would no doubt fight very VERY hard for what she believes in and I have respect for that, we all follow our own path. It's harder to respect an attitude to life that says all we have and all we are, all progress and science and understanding of human development is only ours through god.
How can you argue with that?
It's ALL part of gods plan. Forget the bible, forget the obvious flaws in that story, just believe in god and have faith. We will tell you which bits of the bible are to be adhered to and which can be ignored, you just have faith. Don't worry, just join the queue and believe.
How can you argue with that? You can't - and that's why 'reasonable' religion is dangerous.
The basic premise of religion is that god exists, that's what you have to accept. That god is real, and not just any god.
You see the 'reasonable' religious are actually as atheistic as me because they don't believe in all the other gods that people have worshiped in ancient Rome or Greece or Egypt for example. They just have their god who we have to accept exists and that there are no others...
How do we know that? How do we come to accept that there is only one god?
Answer... it says so in the bible - the very book that the 'reasonable' religious now say we should not take literally.
You see the real danger is that the 'reasonable' religious make everything seem so warm and human and safe so if you ask questions you seem to be questioning your own faith in humanity not humanities fear of the dark.
The worst thing is that the 'reasonable' religious sneer at those of us that don't believe and they undermine us in very subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways. Like telling me, it doesn't matter what you believe, god is always with you.
How can you argue with that when they seem so 'reasonable'?
Sunday, 7 July 2013
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
What a Wonderful World
Hello children, are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.
As a true believer you will not be shocked to discover that evolution, not creation, is my considered opinion on how we got to where we are and that the world will continue to evolve until we either evolve ourselves out of the picture or the sun explodes and we all end up as crispy critters on some planetary fritto misto.
Science continues to find new ways of prolonging human life, the Catholic church continues to aid in the population growth around the world and the planet is shrinking beneath our feet.
More and more people arrive and less and less depart - it's going to get crowded and the demand for space and for food can only mean one thing - other species will have to get out of the way.
Trees will be cut down, animals will become extinct, birds will disappear, insects (especially cockroaches) will thrive and still scientists will be helping us all to live longer lives.
Why?
Do we really think that the value of a life can only be measured by the number of days in it?
Next week I will conduct a funeral for a boy of 15 and this week a man of 37 - were their lives less valuable because they were cut short?
When we lose someone at a young age we mourn that loss and we mourn the future that we had hoped and planned for. But where do we get the idea that life is supposed to be long?
As a species we used to live shorter lives, we used to succumb to our surroundings and dangers of life - we evolved and we learned to manage and mitigate that danger out of the equation in million different ways, meaning millions lived longer. That's good isn't it?
In South Africa life expectancy is 52. In South Korea it's 80. Is a South African less valuable than a South Korean?
I hope you get my point by now - we live in a diverse world and people live very different lives just by accident of where they are born.
An orangutan might live 40 years in the wild if it isn't killed by poachers or people chopping down its habitat for a variety of reasons and yet in captivity it lives for 60 years.
Tigers might get to 15 years of age in the wild, 30 years in captivity.
I'll let you into a secret - if I was a tiger I'd prefer 15 years in the wild to 30 years in a cage. What do you think?
Now think about the small space that man will eventually be forced to live in and remember that requirement for space would have displaced all the tigers, in the wild or captivity.
Science fact is scary - science fiction or fantasy might be our only real hope of salvation.
Will we become a wandering tribe, roaming the endless depths of space fighting Cylons or Klingons?
I don't have an answer for this - but I decided today to donate to the WWF.
It might not save mankind from its own self induced sleepwalk to mass extinction, but it might mean that I don't outlive the last tigers, leopards and polar bears.
When my life ends they can feed me to the animals in the zoo for all I care. It might be the best thing man ever did for the animals.
2010 - The Alaotra Grebe (Tachybaptus rufolavatus) is declared extinct.
2011 - The Eastern Cougar was declared extinct.
2011 - The Western Black Rhinoceros was declared extinct.
2012 - The Japanese River Otter (Lutra lutra whiteneyi) has been declared extinct by the country’s Ministry of the Environment, after not being seen for more than 30 years.
2012 - "Lonesome George," the last specimen of the Pinta Island Tortoise died on June 10 2012.
2013 - The Formosan clouded leopard, previously endemic to the island of Taiwan, is officially declared extinct.
2013 - ?
As a true believer you will not be shocked to discover that evolution, not creation, is my considered opinion on how we got to where we are and that the world will continue to evolve until we either evolve ourselves out of the picture or the sun explodes and we all end up as crispy critters on some planetary fritto misto.
Science continues to find new ways of prolonging human life, the Catholic church continues to aid in the population growth around the world and the planet is shrinking beneath our feet.
More and more people arrive and less and less depart - it's going to get crowded and the demand for space and for food can only mean one thing - other species will have to get out of the way.
Trees will be cut down, animals will become extinct, birds will disappear, insects (especially cockroaches) will thrive and still scientists will be helping us all to live longer lives.
Why?
Do we really think that the value of a life can only be measured by the number of days in it?
Next week I will conduct a funeral for a boy of 15 and this week a man of 37 - were their lives less valuable because they were cut short?
When we lose someone at a young age we mourn that loss and we mourn the future that we had hoped and planned for. But where do we get the idea that life is supposed to be long?
As a species we used to live shorter lives, we used to succumb to our surroundings and dangers of life - we evolved and we learned to manage and mitigate that danger out of the equation in million different ways, meaning millions lived longer. That's good isn't it?
In South Africa life expectancy is 52. In South Korea it's 80. Is a South African less valuable than a South Korean?
I hope you get my point by now - we live in a diverse world and people live very different lives just by accident of where they are born.
An orangutan might live 40 years in the wild if it isn't killed by poachers or people chopping down its habitat for a variety of reasons and yet in captivity it lives for 60 years.
Tigers might get to 15 years of age in the wild, 30 years in captivity.
I'll let you into a secret - if I was a tiger I'd prefer 15 years in the wild to 30 years in a cage. What do you think?
Now think about the small space that man will eventually be forced to live in and remember that requirement for space would have displaced all the tigers, in the wild or captivity.
Science fact is scary - science fiction or fantasy might be our only real hope of salvation.
Will we become a wandering tribe, roaming the endless depths of space fighting Cylons or Klingons?
I don't have an answer for this - but I decided today to donate to the WWF.
It might not save mankind from its own self induced sleepwalk to mass extinction, but it might mean that I don't outlive the last tigers, leopards and polar bears.
When my life ends they can feed me to the animals in the zoo for all I care. It might be the best thing man ever did for the animals.
2010 - The Alaotra Grebe (Tachybaptus rufolavatus) is declared extinct.
2011 - The Eastern Cougar was declared extinct.
2011 - The Western Black Rhinoceros was declared extinct.
2012 - The Japanese River Otter (Lutra lutra whiteneyi) has been declared extinct by the country’s Ministry of the Environment, after not being seen for more than 30 years.
2012 - "Lonesome George," the last specimen of the Pinta Island Tortoise died on June 10 2012.
2013 - The Formosan clouded leopard, previously endemic to the island of Taiwan, is officially declared extinct.
2013 - ?
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
The Gospel According to Me
I really do try and let others live as they wish. I’m a very liberal man. I know what I believe and I accept that others believe differently to me and that’s a good way for the world to turn as far as I can see. All of us following the path we think we should follow.
There are certainly parts of the bible which contain some very useful lessons for life, for example how man should love his fellow man - although that’s one rule the religious find less keen to accept.
It is possible to be a good family man and neighbour and citizen and never bend the knee in prayer. You can just be a decent human being and expect no reward in heaven.
I know this all seems a little cheap and vindictive but I’m only returning the gift that the faithful have been so keen to give to me of late.
------------------------------------------------------------
PS: Just as I was about to post this blog entry the doorbell rang...you guessed it. Janet and Sandra with this months Watchtower!
She has a real sense of irony this god of yours.
Monday, 3 June 2013
Like You've Never Been Gone
3 months - how have you all coped?
After such a long hiatus I expect you have rushed to this latest post thinking you will learn something really important about life and death...and you would not be wrong. What I have to say could change the world and indeed save the world from destruction! You can't get more important than that.
Old people and dogs... after deep contemplation and hours of sleep deprivation I have decided they are a very dangerous combination and should be banned for a variety of reasons which I shall now explain.
I love dogs; they are often easier to get on with than people, and as I drive about my ever growing parish I often see dogs being walked by a variety of people young and old.
Just today though I saw a very old lady walking a very beautiful Shetland sheepdog by the side of a very busy road. The poor old lady was struggling to put one foot in front of another and the dog was very patiently plodding along, occasionally looking back at her owner thinking 'I wish I had that much hair on my chin'!
The dog looked about 2 or 3 which is teenage in human terms I suppose. The old lady looked about 476 in dog years.
I think dogs like old people because they smell of biscuits and if the dogs wee on them nobody can tell. Old people like dogs because they can buy dog food and pretend it's for the dog.
Old people are really spoiled in the UK and they are all rolling in it...although you can get pads for that now.
But we have to stop worrying about old people and worry about the dogs!
It occurred to me that the poor old lady could die at any second, and if she did what would happen to the dog? If the lady fell and in doing so released the lead, what would happen to the dog?
It could run into the road and get killed or it might cause an accident in which a car might swerve to miss the dog and run over the semi conscious pensioner!
Now what if the car mounted the pavement narrowly missing the old lady but swerves back into the road and collided with a lorry coming the other way? And what if that lorry was carrying a nuclear bomb - the result could be the total obliteration of the human race.
And all because some old dear was selfish enough to own a dog.
I'm already planning my letter to the Prime Minister telling him to stop worrying about equal marriage because if he doesn't do something about the pensioner pooch scenario nobody will be getting married - we'll all be dead.
It's totally logical and I cannot see any clear argument against my proposition.
I think UKIP will soon have this as official policy although initially they will start by banning pensioners from any dog except British Bulldogs.
We have to protect dogs from the elderly and in doing so we can save the world - will you join me in this crusade?
If you wish to support my campaign please send all the money you can spare to:
The Guru Drew
Save Our Dogs - Screw Our Pensioners.
Must go now... the ward orderly is telling me my computer privileges are being suspended.
See you in 3 months.
After such a long hiatus I expect you have rushed to this latest post thinking you will learn something really important about life and death...and you would not be wrong. What I have to say could change the world and indeed save the world from destruction! You can't get more important than that.
Old people and dogs... after deep contemplation and hours of sleep deprivation I have decided they are a very dangerous combination and should be banned for a variety of reasons which I shall now explain.
I love dogs; they are often easier to get on with than people, and as I drive about my ever growing parish I often see dogs being walked by a variety of people young and old.
Just today though I saw a very old lady walking a very beautiful Shetland sheepdog by the side of a very busy road. The poor old lady was struggling to put one foot in front of another and the dog was very patiently plodding along, occasionally looking back at her owner thinking 'I wish I had that much hair on my chin'!
The dog looked about 2 or 3 which is teenage in human terms I suppose. The old lady looked about 476 in dog years.
I think dogs like old people because they smell of biscuits and if the dogs wee on them nobody can tell. Old people like dogs because they can buy dog food and pretend it's for the dog.
Old people are really spoiled in the UK and they are all rolling in it...although you can get pads for that now.
But we have to stop worrying about old people and worry about the dogs!
It occurred to me that the poor old lady could die at any second, and if she did what would happen to the dog? If the lady fell and in doing so released the lead, what would happen to the dog?
It could run into the road and get killed or it might cause an accident in which a car might swerve to miss the dog and run over the semi conscious pensioner!
Now what if the car mounted the pavement narrowly missing the old lady but swerves back into the road and collided with a lorry coming the other way? And what if that lorry was carrying a nuclear bomb - the result could be the total obliteration of the human race.
And all because some old dear was selfish enough to own a dog.
I'm already planning my letter to the Prime Minister telling him to stop worrying about equal marriage because if he doesn't do something about the pensioner pooch scenario nobody will be getting married - we'll all be dead.
It's totally logical and I cannot see any clear argument against my proposition.
I think UKIP will soon have this as official policy although initially they will start by banning pensioners from any dog except British Bulldogs.
We have to protect dogs from the elderly and in doing so we can save the world - will you join me in this crusade?
If you wish to support my campaign please send all the money you can spare to:
The Guru Drew
Save Our Dogs - Screw Our Pensioners.
Must go now... the ward orderly is telling me my computer privileges are being suspended.
See you in 3 months.
Thursday, 2 May 2013
No...I'm Not Dead
I know I have been absent from your lives for a little while but I do intend to return as soon as the spring sunshine has fully restored my sap.
Rest easy my little flock - the Guru is close by.
Rest easy my little flock - the Guru is close by.
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