It's been a hell of a week my little flock of starlings - a hell of a week, with elections and the ongoing Bin Laden saga and ending with the death of Seve Ballesteros.
In relation to the elections, well the country will get what it voted for - which is the Tories pretty much having free rein for the rest of time, as Nick Robinson quoted many times in the news, 'be careful what you wish for'!
The urge to punish Clegg has really put Cameron in a very strong position, nobody really believes that Labour can govern until they become credible in fiscal terms - banging on about how you don't like what the others are doing is not a long term agenda nor a platform from which to get elected in 2015. No, the Tories are here to stay - I predict we will see them in power until 2020.
Bin Laden is still dead - but the news of his death is alive and well and filling our news coverage. Enough already!
The battle now seems to be about how we should have treated him with more common decency, more respect - because in acting as we have we have shown ourselves (The West) to be no better than him.
Let me think about that...'bollocks' is my considered response...if you take him prisoner you have hostages being taken all around the world to try and bargain for his release - the world is a better place without him, not necessarily a safer place I agree, but his loss is something we should not lose sleep over.
We are changed because of terrorism, we have to accept restrictions on our freedoms to protect those freedoms - in an ideal world we would have tried him, found him guilty and locked him away for the rest of his life - in an ideal world there would be no terrorism!
Locking him up would have made him the centre of attention and a new hero for the fanatics, just as moderate Islam is reasserting itself.
Bin Laden did not have respect for the law therefore he should not be allowed to avail himself of its protection.
I have the urge to apply this rule to people who break the speed limit or smoke in restaurants - send in Special Forces and blow them away.
In 1996, myself and two friends managed to play a round of golf at Royal Lytham & St Annes Golf Club - it was about a week before the 1996 Open and the course was immaculate and the empty stands all stood awaiting the crowds. They would witness Tom Lehman win on that historic bunker strewn course, as many had witnessed other great champions crowned in the past, Bob Charles, Gary Player and of course Seve.
As I made my par 4 down the final hole, the empty stands echoed with the faded roars of smiling patrons as they witnessed the flashing blade of Ballesteros conjure magic from impossible positions - he was majestic and he was charismatic.
In 2009, during an interview with Peter Alliss, Seve asked people not to recall the illness he was suffering, but the great joy and fortune of his life - he didn't want tears he wanted smiles.
His brother, who was at his side as he died, is reported to have spoken about how he held Seve by the hands, and as he passed away thought 'what these hands have done in the world' - the hands, the smile, the whole package - my par four at Lytham on that day was achieved partly because I had grown up watching Seve play - he was inspiring.
Well, time to go and make toast for Mrs B.
Have a nice day, have a good week and just think about the smiles you will make in your life.
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Tuesday Ramble
Good morning my little shoal of whitebait - do you smell what the Guru is cooking?
Now, unless you watch WWE wrestling and know about The Rock, the above comment will mean nothing to you - then again much of what I say in general means nothing to you, so this feeling of bewilderment and wonder will not be a new one.
I used to love watching the wrestling, from Big Daddy, Kendo Nagasaki and Les Kellett through to Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage, then right on up to the days of The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin and the like.
I sat and watched the recording of the live show from the US last night - celebrating The Rock's birthday and of course they might have mentioned the death of Bin Laden, they do patriotism with a passion in the US.
I had also watched the snooker final - impressive action from John Higgins in the frame that won the championship - outstanding snooker.
It's all good stuff, uplifting and life affirming, seeing people succeed in life and finding happiness - and I want all of my little followers to help someone else feel as happy as The Rock and John Higgins - I want you to vote 'YES' for AV on Thursday. Go on, give Nick Clegg something to smile about.
Let me tell you why - if there are only two people in the race then one of them will always get more than fifty percent of the vote and will therefore have a majority of support in their constituency - but if there are three or more people in the race then the first past the post will often fall short of the overall majority.
I think politicians should represent a majority of their constituents - and it is as simple as that.
I also think the 'NO' campaign are shameful in their use of scare tactics - for example, Hitler was elected under AV, yes perhaps he was but then again so was Ed Miliband.
What have we got to lose by voting 'YES'?
During this present election, like many people, I have not been canvassed once - that is because my vote is taken for granted and my vote is not valued - I would like my vote to have meaning and I would like those who want to represent me to come and tell me why I should vote for them.
Anyway, you vote with your conscience, but please vote.
Now, I know that being overweight can increase your risk of heart disease but now I hear on the news that being overweight can increase your likelihood of developing dementia...
sorry what was I saying?
NO! It's no joke - just think about it, each bag of crisps, each pork pie sandwich, each extra topping on your cheese stuffed crust pizza may be the bite that pushes you over the edge and into confusion.
If it does, at least you might forget that you will die of a heart attack.
Now go, exercise and enjoy a grape for your lunch - be thin and miserable, you will live longer and because your mind is sharp you will know just how miserable life without fish fingers can be!
Happy Birthday Frankie Valli - The Guru smells what you're cooking!
Walk Like A Man!
Now, unless you watch WWE wrestling and know about The Rock, the above comment will mean nothing to you - then again much of what I say in general means nothing to you, so this feeling of bewilderment and wonder will not be a new one.
I used to love watching the wrestling, from Big Daddy, Kendo Nagasaki and Les Kellett through to Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage, then right on up to the days of The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin and the like.
I sat and watched the recording of the live show from the US last night - celebrating The Rock's birthday and of course they might have mentioned the death of Bin Laden, they do patriotism with a passion in the US.
I had also watched the snooker final - impressive action from John Higgins in the frame that won the championship - outstanding snooker.
It's all good stuff, uplifting and life affirming, seeing people succeed in life and finding happiness - and I want all of my little followers to help someone else feel as happy as The Rock and John Higgins - I want you to vote 'YES' for AV on Thursday. Go on, give Nick Clegg something to smile about.
Let me tell you why - if there are only two people in the race then one of them will always get more than fifty percent of the vote and will therefore have a majority of support in their constituency - but if there are three or more people in the race then the first past the post will often fall short of the overall majority.
I think politicians should represent a majority of their constituents - and it is as simple as that.
I also think the 'NO' campaign are shameful in their use of scare tactics - for example, Hitler was elected under AV, yes perhaps he was but then again so was Ed Miliband.
What have we got to lose by voting 'YES'?
During this present election, like many people, I have not been canvassed once - that is because my vote is taken for granted and my vote is not valued - I would like my vote to have meaning and I would like those who want to represent me to come and tell me why I should vote for them.
Anyway, you vote with your conscience, but please vote.
Now, I know that being overweight can increase your risk of heart disease but now I hear on the news that being overweight can increase your likelihood of developing dementia...
sorry what was I saying?
NO! It's no joke - just think about it, each bag of crisps, each pork pie sandwich, each extra topping on your cheese stuffed crust pizza may be the bite that pushes you over the edge and into confusion.
If it does, at least you might forget that you will die of a heart attack.
Now go, exercise and enjoy a grape for your lunch - be thin and miserable, you will live longer and because your mind is sharp you will know just how miserable life without fish fingers can be!
Happy Birthday Frankie Valli - The Guru smells what you're cooking!
Walk Like A Man!
Monday, 2 May 2011
A Weekend To Remember
I drag myself to the electronic tablet and I place my fingers on the slimline keyboard and my task this morning is to communicate with my little clique and to tell them the great news - Osama Bin Laden is dead!
What do you mean, you already know? Where did you hear it? Not on the news was it?
Quite a weekend, we started with a wedding and we ended with a funeral - and in between there were the deaths of Ted Lowe and Sir Henry Cooper. There was also a full on session in the ashram last evening where copious amounts of Pinot were dispatched and a chicken sacrificed for the visiting dignitaries.
It is as if we knew in advance that a little party was called for - and the laughter came thick and fast.
And still one more day to come in this long weekend, and you have to think to yourself, what can the world do now to top what we have woken up to this morning?
Of course, killing Bin Laden is totemic, a moment for people to celebrate but this sadly will be a short lived phase in the battle, how soon before we get the reprisals and another man goes to the top of the list and the battle resumes - a never ending battle I fear.
But that should not deflect us from enjoying Monday 2nd May 2011 and recalling how fitting that Osama died on May Day - may day, may day, may day. Sorry, you can call for help but it aint coming Osama!
I said that yesterday was a day for singing, I predicted that it was a good day - yet again, I was right. But you knew that all along didn't you, my little gang of lemmings.
Go, eat, drink and be merry - for tomorrow we go to work. (some of us will be at work today but a Guru has to be on call 24/7).
PS - Happy Birthday to the mini Guru Max.
Monday, 25 April 2011
Easter Message
It is a very nice day, even though I had to go to Tesco with Mrs B to liberate some Jersey Royals it's still a nice day.
Tried not to look at all the badly dressed trogs as they filled their trollies with beer and BBQ supplies and I tried to avoid looking at all the aisles full of items for the Royal wedding and the street party epidemic.
I don't like parties and I only went to my own wedding because Mrs B said I had to - although that one turned out OK.
I don't think it is possible to turn on the television without some programme about this wedding or previous ones, the news covers it, the weather talks about it, the sport...well perhaps not the sport. I will not be watching the wedding on Friday, I will not be having a party, I will be hiding in my bedroom watching Lord of The Rings or Star Trek all day.
Later this year I have to face the hurdle of a milestone birthday, and of course people expect you to have a party and at the moment I am planning that party - it will be in a hotel in the middle of nowhere and there will be two people invited!
Miserable old bastard - yes and to prove it here is the tee shirt I wear...
Tried not to look at all the badly dressed trogs as they filled their trollies with beer and BBQ supplies and I tried to avoid looking at all the aisles full of items for the Royal wedding and the street party epidemic.
I don't like parties and I only went to my own wedding because Mrs B said I had to - although that one turned out OK.
I don't think it is possible to turn on the television without some programme about this wedding or previous ones, the news covers it, the weather talks about it, the sport...well perhaps not the sport. I will not be watching the wedding on Friday, I will not be having a party, I will be hiding in my bedroom watching Lord of The Rings or Star Trek all day.
Later this year I have to face the hurdle of a milestone birthday, and of course people expect you to have a party and at the moment I am planning that party - it will be in a hotel in the middle of nowhere and there will be two people invited!
Miserable old bastard - yes and to prove it here is the tee shirt I wear...
I suppose if push comes to shove and I do have to have a party, it will be a fancy dress party and the only stipulation is that you must come as a character from a movie - I will be going as Harvey, a 6ft invisible rabbit.
Time to go and put the kettle on, Mrs B needs a cup of tea and a Rich Tea biscuit - no Easter eggs in our house, no hot cross buns either - we don't buy into that sort of commercialisation and the Guru hopes you all avoided the temptation too!
Have a great evening my little bunnies - and don't get sun burn!
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
The Runner Stumbles
Golf is a game for gentlemen (and ladies of course), it is game where you are expected to know the rules and the etiquette of play and there have been fine examples in the past where a player has broken a rule and disqualified themselves from events.
You walk in beautiful countryside, hopefully with a companionable opponent, and you test your skill against the course as it is presented to you.
Sometimes a shot is struck so well that you find your heart swell and your whole person lifts as it fills with pride, then the next shot is so bad, the bubble of your pride is pricked and you find yourself back on earth, your ball in the bunker.
Just two days ago I was speaking to a young curate who also plays golf and he spoke about the manner in which he tested his patience on the golf course and yesterday I played and found my patience tested - not by my game but by the presence of other golfers - golfers who were not gentlemen nor anything resembling half decent golfers.
The weather was spectacularly brilliant, the sun shone and the breath of a light wind fanned over us, myself and my playing partner Liam - we strolled the fairways for the first few holes and he was making me look like a hacker as he drove the ball straight down the middle of the fairway and then putted out with great confidence. After just two holes I was already two down and felt like things were going against me.
Before we teed off, we had seen and heard some very loud comments from some very pompous young exec types about the number of people allowed on the course - they were all dressed in brightly coloured shirts and shorts and you just knew they were the sort of people who believed the world had been created just for them and no one else! Luckily we were playing well ahead of them, but on hole four we ran up behind a group of four golfers who basically played so badly and so slowly and without regard for the proper etiquette, that some had already given up trying to follow them and walked of the course.
Liam and I were not in a rush so we stood and waited our turn as they raced all over the place in the golf buggy one of them had hired, talking on his mobile phone which is a real breach of etiquette - anyway eventually on hole 10, they invited us to play through - which we did. In fact they then continued to hit their balls which is another thing which annoyed me. Liam and I walked on, went to the next hole and left them causing mayhem in our wake.
We soon left them far behind but on hole 13, we were heading back in their direction, holes 12 and 13 running parallel but in opposite directions. These holes are on a steep hill and great care is needed when you drive on hole 12 so as to keep your ball on the right fairway, if you smash at the ball wildly it is likely to fly out of control and run down the hill, thereby coming close to golfers on hole 13 - Liam and myself. Now, if this happens you are meant to shout a warning - FORE! No such warning was given, three golf balls flew pretty close to us, luckily they ended up in the rough, well two of them did.
Now this is where the Guru, a morally upright character, driven by righteousness - well this is where he snapped. A moment of madness - a ball came to rest very close to me, I picked it up and I quickly pushed it into my own golf bag. As I straightened up the buggy appeared over the hill, driving through the rough - another rule broken - he drove straight to us and asked where the balls had gone - not a word of apology was offered by the way. I pointed to the rough and walked on, leaving him searching for a ball he would never find.
I felt really bad - for about 3 seconds!
So, I need to ask you all to forgive me, I throw myself on your mercy and I promise that I will never do it again.
Come on, if I was Catholic I could confess and be absolved - so I'll just say three Hail Peter Allis's and a Nick Faldo and carry on, if that's OK?
By the way - I ended up winning the game - but it is not the winning that counts, it is taking part and upsetting cretins that really makes the day perfect.
You walk in beautiful countryside, hopefully with a companionable opponent, and you test your skill against the course as it is presented to you.
Sometimes a shot is struck so well that you find your heart swell and your whole person lifts as it fills with pride, then the next shot is so bad, the bubble of your pride is pricked and you find yourself back on earth, your ball in the bunker.
Just two days ago I was speaking to a young curate who also plays golf and he spoke about the manner in which he tested his patience on the golf course and yesterday I played and found my patience tested - not by my game but by the presence of other golfers - golfers who were not gentlemen nor anything resembling half decent golfers.
The weather was spectacularly brilliant, the sun shone and the breath of a light wind fanned over us, myself and my playing partner Liam - we strolled the fairways for the first few holes and he was making me look like a hacker as he drove the ball straight down the middle of the fairway and then putted out with great confidence. After just two holes I was already two down and felt like things were going against me.
Before we teed off, we had seen and heard some very loud comments from some very pompous young exec types about the number of people allowed on the course - they were all dressed in brightly coloured shirts and shorts and you just knew they were the sort of people who believed the world had been created just for them and no one else! Luckily we were playing well ahead of them, but on hole four we ran up behind a group of four golfers who basically played so badly and so slowly and without regard for the proper etiquette, that some had already given up trying to follow them and walked of the course.
Liam and I were not in a rush so we stood and waited our turn as they raced all over the place in the golf buggy one of them had hired, talking on his mobile phone which is a real breach of etiquette - anyway eventually on hole 10, they invited us to play through - which we did. In fact they then continued to hit their balls which is another thing which annoyed me. Liam and I walked on, went to the next hole and left them causing mayhem in our wake.
We soon left them far behind but on hole 13, we were heading back in their direction, holes 12 and 13 running parallel but in opposite directions. These holes are on a steep hill and great care is needed when you drive on hole 12 so as to keep your ball on the right fairway, if you smash at the ball wildly it is likely to fly out of control and run down the hill, thereby coming close to golfers on hole 13 - Liam and myself. Now, if this happens you are meant to shout a warning - FORE! No such warning was given, three golf balls flew pretty close to us, luckily they ended up in the rough, well two of them did.
Now this is where the Guru, a morally upright character, driven by righteousness - well this is where he snapped. A moment of madness - a ball came to rest very close to me, I picked it up and I quickly pushed it into my own golf bag. As I straightened up the buggy appeared over the hill, driving through the rough - another rule broken - he drove straight to us and asked where the balls had gone - not a word of apology was offered by the way. I pointed to the rough and walked on, leaving him searching for a ball he would never find.
I felt really bad - for about 3 seconds!
So, I need to ask you all to forgive me, I throw myself on your mercy and I promise that I will never do it again.
Come on, if I was Catholic I could confess and be absolved - so I'll just say three Hail Peter Allis's and a Nick Faldo and carry on, if that's OK?
By the way - I ended up winning the game - but it is not the winning that counts, it is taking part and upsetting cretins that really makes the day perfect.
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