Save the Children, Kill the Ants.

I bet you thought I'd gone and forgotten about you all - well I do try but as Miss K Minogue said,  I just can't get you out of my head...you'll be singing that all day now.

I have just returned from having my ears lowered, the conversation in the chair running from transvestites and drag queens to uncomfortable medical conditions.

I was early for my appointment because the roads were empty, as Mrs B points out it's school holidays and that means the all the four wheel drives are at home rather than taking little Jocasta and Basil to school.

In my day, school holidays were times when you would see more children out playing but now we have a fear that behind every bush lurks a predatory paedophile, so we keep our children in a cupboard under the stairs just to be on the safe side.

The fear of crime prevents children from having a childhood, when I think of the hours of endless fun we had as kids, taking a stick and playing cowboys and indians or pirates. How we laughed as we romped through the countryside, carefree, singing songs about deer and tea with jam and bread, hiding from the Nazis...hold on, I think my childhood was turned into a film!

Anyway, I didn't want to talk about these things today, I wanted to ask if anyone else is suffering the curse of the flying ant?

Our rather splendid conservatory is full of dead flying ants, they are dead after I assaulted them with lethal levels of anti-ant spray. I have battled wave after wave of the blighters, but still they come.

Why do we need flying ants anyway, I think the little crawling ones are quite sufficient in the scheme of things - the next thing you know is we will be having flying spiders or flying earwigs and Mrs B will not approve of either of them buzzing round her head as she sits in her rather splendid conservatory sipping her pink.

Anyone with a fool proof way of disposing of flying ants please let me know - perhaps there is someone out there who likes flying ants, in which case let me have your address and I will send them on to you.

Away with you all now, get out into the fresh air and enjoy the summer but a word of warning to parents, when you go out to enjoy the day please leave a bowl of water and a dry biscuit in the cupboard under the stairs - you don't want Jocasta and Basil to feel unwanted do you?