Good morning and best wishes to you all; the little people, the common man, the hoi polloi, it is you that I strive to reach with my words in the hope that a little bit of my wisdom will lift you out of the muck for a moment of pleasure, before you plunge back into the awful drudgery of your lives.
How are you? I really care you know!
I need you all to pay attention as I have some news for you...you are idiots!
I know it's you who keep voting for these awful acts on Britain's Got Talent and you must stop it before we end up with the wrong act on the Royal Variety show.
How can people vote for a man who sings one song to the tune of another...badly?
(And by the way it's not "original" as the judges keep saying, Barry Cryer and crew have been doing it for years on Radio 4's I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue)
How can you vote for the personification of your dad dancing at a wedding?
How can you vote for some demented organist whose HRT has kicked into over-drive?
The you have the sob stories, the young man who speaks to the world through his piano or the albino Billy Elliott who lives through his dancing - meagre talent with added sob does not equal talent!
Tonight, don't vote for a dog who howls when the pretty lady sings, don't vote for the man whose eyes pop out, vote for talent - vote for the fat boy who sings so nicely.
The whole concept of how they pick the acts for the final is flawed, the three acts with most votes are in with a chance yet we don't know how many votes they get...it could be that the gap between second and third is huge and that the act that came fourth yesterday got more votes than the act that came second today. I would like to see a league table, with all acts taking a position on the table according to votes scored - at the end of the week the top ten go to the final - where the votes are cleared and we start from scratch so everyone has a shot at winning.
It would also mean we have to rely less on the talent spotting talents of Cowell and Co, whose patronising or downright cruel approach to some of the less fortunate acts has been hard to watch.
For me though, the judges missed their chance to have the best act in the final - come Saturday I will be wishing that I could have voted for Gay and Alan and their wonderful bells. Now that was talent!
So, there we have it my children, sit and watch and vote for the fat kid in the orange sweatshirt, he looks like one of you so you should feel the love.
I need to make toast now, and Mrs B will have Marmite on hers - not painted to look like anything other than marmite on toast!
