Hello there - pull up a chair and get comfy because I have got the time and there are things I just need to get off my chest - like these toast crumbs. I need a closer fitting pyjama jacket and then perhaps the crumbs wouldn't get on my chest - they'd fall into my lap and be dispersed across the carpet as I walk to the kitchen to get more toast.
Seriously though, you would think that with all the scientific progress in the world they could make crumb free toast. I suggest some experiments with marmalade as it seems fairly sticky and perhaps you could make a loaf with marmalade edges that would catch the crumbs as they tried to roll of the slice?
This is just off the top of my head of course, no hang on, that's not crumbs - that's dandruff.
Whenever I think about marmalade I think of two things; cats and golliwogs.
My dear friend Sharon once found a little cat in the street. The poor thing had been run over and its insides were no longer where they should be, most of it had emerged through its nose. Sad, but true.
The one thing she could still discern though, through all the blood and guts, was the little silver disc hanging from the collar around the fluffy little neck. She gently wiped away the gore and saw the name Chivers, 27 Sincil Street. Now being a kind hearted lady, Sharon scooped up the remains of the kitty and put then in the saddle bag of her bike. She cycled to the address and knocked on the door. A lady answered and Sharon said, "Hello, Mrs Chivers?" "No", came the reply, "I'm Mrs Jenkins".
"Do you have a cat?" asked Sharon, the lady nodded her head "Yes, he's called Fluff, he's a marmalade cat". "I'm afraid he's mincemeat now" said Sharon.
Robertsons maramalade and mincemeat would have had a golliwog on the label at one time - no longer of course. I have a golliwog in the attic, hidden away so as not to offend anyone. I miss him.
The reason I have decided to share my wisdom with you today is because I do have some spare time and I thought to myself should I do something wasteful with this valuable commodity like watch endless re-runs of Murder, She Wrote or should I talk to my followers? And so here we are.
I have neglected you lately and like a herd of wildebeest searching for nourishment, some of you may have fallen prey to crocodiles and lions as you crossed the endless grassy plains of the internet, splashing through streams of consciousness. But fret no more my little band - for I have time.
I have time!
Last evening I used my time to join that ever increasing and exclusively middle class clique known as Rock Choir...we sang O Happy Day. You should have seen us, it was magnificent. Forty middle aged middle class ladies and me - singing our hearts out and dancing from side to side - there were HRT patches flying in every direction. I kept a couple for myself.
The excitement levels in that room were so high you could literally hear the Tena lady pads screaming 'NO MORE"!
As I am a man I don't have a Tena pad, I just have a Tenor.
Our singing master informed us that if we keep up the hard work, on 17th November we will be part of the entertainment when they turn on the Christmas lights in Lincoln - with Cannon and Ball! I'm sure I'll have time for that.
It has also been mentioned that we can be booked, as a group, to sing at other events like weddings and parties. I don't expect we will get many funerals if the only song we sing is O Happy Day!
What else have I been doing with my time?
I watched the recorded highlights of the Emmy's - a show which celebrates the best of television. Now Americans are not usually keen on irony but they tried their best this time by making a show that celebrates the best of television that was just really bad. I mean really bad.
When an actor hasn't got a good writer putting words in their mouths, some of them are literally lost for words.
They also edited out the best part, the bit where they tell you who died...I like that bit.
I spent some time watching the ongoing drama of Dale Farm - ethnic cleansing some have called it, I better not comment.
I used a little time to follow the events in Georgia,America where they have executed a chap called Troy Davis - even though many of the witnesses against him have recanted their testimony.
They still killed him.
Now, call me old fashioned, but if you want to execute someone why not execute someone who is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt?
For example, all these people that swore on oath that Mr Davis was guilty and then later admitted to lying under oath - why not execute a few of them? Let's start a campaign to execute all fibbers.
In America, god is worshipped almost as much as fast food, so these upstanding god fearing citizens know what awaits them - the Bible reveals all when it says, and I quote, "Let no man embrace the lie lest he be spanked with a prickly stick". That's from Protestations:1.
We don't have the death penalty in the UK, we have Eastenders.
What else have I been doing with my valuable time? Let me tell you, the list of things that I have done this week would leave you breathless. I am a veritable whirlwind of activity sometimes only settling in my chair long enough to watch Bargain Hunt and nibble a few carrot sticks. I sometimes don't even have the time to make instant soup, it's very stressful.
Many of you out there will have some stress in your lives I'm sure - in my own family we have some battles underway with health issues and Mrs B and I along with other family members, have been giving time to those who need our support. My support is strong and made of breathable fabric.
We all should do what we can, the gift of time is greater than the gift of money...although they don't take time as payment for a tank of diesel.
There is another saying from the Bible that I always think of in times of trouble - "When I find myself in times of trouble, a Bloody Mary comforts me".
I have been reading the Bible again, not a waste of time, as I flicked through the pages I discovered something quite beautiful and surprising.
As I wiped the dust from the cover and began to turn the crinkly old pages, suddenly I saw it all clearly. I never really expected to find something of value in that old book, a book whose readers I have ridiculed so often, but there it was - it was just amazing! I found a £20 note.
I don't know who the £20 note belongs to but I really believe that god wants me to have it and to put it to good christian use. My choices are donating it to charity or squandering it on wine. Well, Jesus liked wine so I think we shall follow in his path and I'll buy some wine and five fish fingers with a loaf of marmalade encrusted bread - and I'll feed the multitude of my stomach.
So let me ask you, how valuable is your time? Not too valuable to sit and read this pile of garbage I see.
But I thank you, I really do mean it. Without you, my life would be so much more carefree but I have a duty to those who need a smile and I hope that I have found a smile for you all today.
Take the gift of the smile and pass it on - but make sure you take precautions. Never have unprotected smile passing, you might catch something.
Where did I put that marmalade?