The View from the Hill on Saturday 28th November

The day I go into the loft and retrieve the boxes! Christmas decorations...I hate Christmas.

Anyway, what's happening in the world on this rainy day, well I turned on the news and heard that Tiger Woods is having trouble with his driving, but this time on the road not the golf course.

Speculation about domestic arguments and storming out of the house after a row and parking his Cadillac up a tree are rife, but let's wait for the facts shall we...... no, OK.

There will be a glut of jokes about driving etc. appearing, and it would be easy to jump on the bandwagon, well you know me, I'm above all that so let me offer Tiger some advice, just keep your head down.

What else is happening, well Prince Charles is visiting the disaster stricken area of Cumbria - as if those poor people hadn't had enough happen, now they have to put up with all that security and press. And I see that in America, the gate crashers at President Obama's state dinner did get to meet him, makes it worthwhile then! How many Secret Service men are packing their bags and being sent to Fargo I wonder?

After the dog evacuated his stomach contents onto the hall carpet, we had it professionally cleaned yesterday, and it now smells of bubble gum - not sure what the chemicals actually do, but to make your hallway smell of bubble gum is a plus for me.

Oh well, can't keep putting it off, better go and get the ladder sorted for loft entry...if I survive I will see you back here tomorrow, same time (give or take) same channel, same old rubbish.

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On this day in 1968, Enid Blyton died. There has always been some suspicion that her death was not totally natural and a relative of mine, Archie Whipple, spent many years trying to prove that Blyton was poisoned. He enlisted the help of his chums, who were known as The Five Finder Outers, they were Fatty, Larry, Daisy, Pip and Bets oh and don't forget their little Scottie dog, Buster.

Archie and the Finder Outers devoted many hours to the mystery only to be arrested for making a bloody nuisance of themselves!

And that's a fact!

The View from the Hill on Friday 27th November

I hope my US readers had a great Thanksgiving, I myself had an awful evening thanks to a very sick dog who decided to deposit his tea back on the carpet in three neat steaming piles!

Old dogs, they get restless and they start to let their standards down - I think a doggy Shady Pines may be needed!

Now what to tackle this morning, oh and by the way sorry I'm a bit late to the blog today, I had a lie in until 7.20am and then I had to scramble some eggs for Mrs B, anyway what to tackle this morning - well there is the Iraq Inquiry, now in its third day of taking evidence and already seeming to show that Tony Bliar just acted as a puppy dog and followed where GWB went, we know he was a liar but now we will find out how big.

So there is Iraq or there is the Catholic Church...no, it's not fair to kick a man whilst he's down, too easy a target and they have enough trouble with the senile old Nazi in Rome.

I'm in quite a puckaterry!

It's enough to make you blar.

My father has been taking cuttings from the local paper where they were discussing words that are not used anymore - like puckaterry, which means to be in a muddle. Blar means to cry.

My scrambled eggs were eaten too quickly and that might make me brawk (burp) and I am sat in front of my IMac (this means a PC that works) writing my blog (self satisfying drivel). Today I will go for a walk (drive) into town and I will visit the bank where the helpful (useless) staff at the bank (theives palace) will show me how to work the new paying in machine again!

I will then meander (drive) to the Post Office Collection depot and collect the parcel they lost yesterday (tossers) before returning home and working very hard (Wii).

Mrs B and I will then dine out in style this evening (The Rushley, cheap and nearly clean) before watching I'm A Celebrity (who?) and drinking a small glass of wine (bucket).

You see it is always nice to use all the words we have at our disposal, it makes communicating our exact intent so much easier.

OK, just one little kick - bloody deceitful creatures, those Catholics who covered up twenty years of abuse and those who committed it, I hope they rot in their own private hell, the stinking perverts.

Oops sorry I think I may have brawked!

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On this day both Bruce Lee and Jimmi Hendrix were born as was Ernie Wise and Buster Merryfield so I could have talked about tragic deaths or British Comedy BUT today in 1925 the actor Marshall Thompson was born.

You know, Marshall Thompson...he was in Daktari with Clarence the Cross Eyed Lion and Judy the chimpanzee and that guy with the big moustache and hat?!

Alright so it was like Skippy in Africa with a lion instead of a kangaroo, and yes they did the same story every week but wasn't it hilarious too see people through the lions cross eyes? I am laughing so much I nearly fell off my ergonomically designed chair.

The crap us kids got palmed off with...thank goodness we had The Double Deckers!

Anyway, my connection to Daktari, well there was an episode in which one of the extras was a cousin of mine, his name was Lucky Benskin. His real name was Ben, Ben Benskin, but his friends called him Lucky. He died during the filming of that episode due to a tragic mix up.

You see Clarence the Cross Eyed Lion was very good at squinting, but not very good at running and jumping on people so they had Clarence stand ins. There was Bertie the running Lion, there was Malcolm the jumping lion and then there was Maurice the biting lion - trained to pretend to bite people.

Sadly on this particular day Lucky was supposed to run through the jungle, he would be spotted by Clarence, chased by Bertie, Malcolm would leap and then Maurice would pretend to bite him - all went according to plan until the biting when Maurice bit Lucky's head off!

Actually it wasn't Maurice at all, it turned out that Maurice was drunk in his winnebago and this was a strange lion who wandered in out of the jungle - his name was Lucky too!

And that's a fact!

Just a quick note to my readers in the US - sorry about the British references, I will try and be more expansive in my world view, I want to embrace Boise, Idaho as well as Amman and Manchester.

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The View from the Hill on Thursday 26th November

Another blustery day, I fully expected to see a piglet float by.

Are you sitting comfortably, then I'll begin...once upon a time there were all these people who used to keep children entertained for a few minutes each day, no not Catholic Priests, these people did it legally and with the consent of the parents. There were old men and young men, some ladies, but mostly there was Bernard Cribbins.

Cribbins was THE man, he was the best reader of a children's story going and he holds the record for the most appearances on Jackanory - well over 100. He is going to receive an award from Bafta today recognising his contribution to children's TV.

I met Cribbens once, just briefly on a golf course when I handed him something he had dropped, he was very rude and I suppose I have let that colour my feelings about him. Anyway, now with his Dr Who credentials I am willing to forgive and forget.

Jackanory was a real favourite of a whole generation in the 1960's and 1970's and although I remember Cribbins reading, I don't recall the stories - I do recall Gordon Gostelow reading The Adventures of the Little Wooden Horse and HE Todd reading his Bobby Brewster stories and John Grant reading his Little Nose stories. John Grant had that strange high pitched Scottish voice that seemed to suit a cave boy and his pet mammoth.

And then there were the psychedelic images of that kaleidoscope opening credits with the famous music that we can all still hear in our heads...and now will hear all day thanks to me reminding you of it!

It was a simpler life, jam on toast in front of the old black and white TV, hearing the stories and then being whipped until we screamed by our loving parents, clipped round the ear by every passing Policeman, given a good caning by the Head Master. You can't beat a good story but you should always beat a child.

Thanks for listening and until the next time, be good children.

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On this day in 1922, Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon entered the Tomb of Tutankhamen...and released the Curse!!!!

Within a year Carnarvon was dead, killed by a freak shaving accident, Carter managed to survive a few more years before he was found in his bed with every drop of his blood turned to sand. One of my long lost relatives was on that team, he was supposed to organise the many men who held the torches to illuminate the search, his name was Billy Vesta and he was in charge of the light brigade.

He was the first one to suffer the curses vengeance, he found that he couldn't get his matches to light after that day.

Billy would stand for hours striking match after match but they just spluttered and died and he was left penniless and destitute, he would have took up smoking but of course he couldn't light the bloody things.

Billy Vesta was found frozen to death in the gutter outside the Gas Board showroom, his little frozen fingers clutching his final match. The Police Officer who found him gently removed the match from his hand and as he did it scratched along the rough pavement and burst into life, it burned with such a brightness and ferocity that the flame caught on Billy's little woollen gloves and soon his whole body was dancing with flame.

The final irony of that curse, he was cremated on the path outside the gas board showroom and opposite the cinema, and can you guess what film was showing... yes, unbelievable as it may seem the Odeon was showing The Sound of Music!

And that's a fact!

The View from the Hill on Wednesday 25th November

First of all thank you so much for all the messages wishing me a happy birthday - it touched me in a way I hadn't been touched for ages.

I managed to get my hair cut and have a stroll through the Victoria Centre in Nottingham and then with some of my birthday money I bought the new Indiana Jones Lego game for the Wii.

I have some birthday money left but I think I might waste that on something frivolous.

We had a nice Indian take out for tea, a couple of glasses of orange squash, watched West Wing, Miranda and then I'm a Celeb before retiring to bed and sleeping quite soundly.

So, that was my birthday - back to work today.

I see poor old Cockermouth is still in the grip of the weather, along with Workington and environs, they really are going through it. When you look back at the history of this day (as I did) you will find that this is a bad day for disasters from 1343 right through to 2000, I found at least 10 events of natural disaster on this date. Tsunami, Earthquake, The Giant Storm of 1703 killed 9,000 people in the UK, in 1839 a cyclone in the far east killed 300,000.

1950 bought the Storm of the Century to the Appalachian Mountains in America, there was an Ice Storm in the US in 1996 and I think my rough count puts the death toll at 450,00 for this day during those 10 events in history.

Roughly 150,000 die each day from natural causes, so I suppose if you divide that 450,000 by 10 you can see that even when we have terrible natural disasters, more people die each day of natural causes.

So in one day we have gone from celebrating my birth to counting the dead! I think the point I am trying to make is although I feel sorry for the people who have lost their jobs and their homes, and of course their lives in the case of PC Bill Barker, in the scheme of world events and history, this is small fry. I think the way we consider it should be tempered with common sense because if the weather changes and global warming continue to affect the planet as people think, we are in for a lot worse!

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On this day in 1920, Ricardo Montalban was born, he died earlier this year.

Ricardo will always be remembered for portraying the character of Khan in Star Trek as well as Mr Rourke in Fantasy Island. (It's a plane. a plane!)

The idea of Fantasy Island was that you went there and lived out your fantasy and at the same time sorted out your marriage or some other niggly real world problem. Of course they later built a version of Fantasy Island at the coast, at Ingoldmells, the pearl of the Lincolnshire riviera.

Where as in the TV show you were welcomed by a distinguished man and a midget, in Ingoldmells you will be welcomed by drunks, usually holidaying from Mansfield.

Whereas in the TV show you would meet glamorous ladies, in Ingoldmells you will meet drunk slappers, usually from Mansfield.

Whereas in the TV show there was always a happy ending, in Ingoldmells you will get arrested for being drunk and coming from Mansfield.

It's where reality and fantasy combine to make your dreams come true...come to Ingoldmells and meet overweight, rude, drunk girls....welcome to Fatnasty Island

And that's a fact!

The View from the Hill on Tuesday 24th November

Strap yourselves in, it's going to be a big one!

Reasons to be cheerful: that's the subtitle for today, which is strange coming from a man who often wears a tee shirt with Miserable Old Bastard written on it. But today, I am trying to pinpoint some of the reasons why I feel cheerful.

Birthdays used to be just another day, I never really looked forward to them, ticking off days and weeks and years just seems silly to me, life is a finite commodity and counting it as it passed just seemed unnecessary. That sort of changed on January 4th this year when just reaching another day seemed unlikely and now I know the value of a birthday, as a milestone, as a target!

My late grandfather set himself targets towards the end of his life, and he managed to reach most of them, I suppose with old age comes an awareness of the fact that there are less days ahead than behind and so each day takes on a new magnificence, a challenge to your spirit and character to do something useful with it, or waste it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still miserable but I am also glad that I reached this day and I intend to do my best to reach many more if possible.

The value of life should not be measured in the number of days you live but what you do with those days, but I still think that I'd like more days to make mistakes, be miserable, occasionally get things right, make new friends, lose old ones, share time with people I love and respect, laugh, cry, sing, make people smile, visit places, stay at home, write blogs, help people, sit quietly, read, sing, go to the theatre, act in a theatre, sing, ( I know I said sing three times ) and the list goes on and on.

Lenny Henry is in his fifties, he has just won Best Newcomer for his performance as Othello, you see it's never too late to change direction, to find out something new, to sing a different song but you have to sing.

There is a song from the musical Harold and Maude, the lyrics of which I will paraphrase :

We are birds that sit on the branch of a tree, and when our time comes we will fly away...we come and we go, it has always been so, but before those birds fly away they sing their song of life - don't miss your chance to sing!

Well I suppose I'm just getting to the rousing chorus now in my song of life, and I am looking forward to another 40 or so verses, please feel free to join in.

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On this day, I was born. I'm not saying the year, not because I'm ashamed but I don't want the identity thieves to get any help thank you!

So, what else happened on this day - well surprisingly it is the 150th anniversary of On The Origin of the Species by Charles Darwin going on sale in bookshops - so it was pre-ordained by the Humanist gods that I would be born on this day.

In 1963, the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald was broadcast live on television, I think they should bring that sort of programme back and I suggest Katie Price as the first person to hear those immortal words - Katie Price, This Was Your Life!

Today is the anniversary of the birth of Scott Joplin, he wrote the music for snooker and The Sting, I like snooker and I like The Sting. Today is the anniversary of the birth of Irwin Allen, he produced some of my favourite films, Towering Inferno, Poseidon Adventure.

It's Billy Connelly's birthday, he's funny - but he's Scottish!

Today is the anniversary of the birth of Ted Bundy, the American serial killer, apparently he was a charming man who just had this one little character flaw, he killed girls.

Ian Botham, happy birthday to you and your shredded wheat.

Russell Watson, another birthday boy, he too knows the value of the song of life.

Happy Birthday to Denise Crosby, Lt Tasha Yar from Star Trek The Next Generation. (You see I had to get Star Trek in somewhere). The crush I had on her in that gold uniform and the way she brushed her nipple every time she tapped her communicator!

Today is the saints day of St Andrew of Dung-Lac, he was a catholic who was beheaded...again, I think this is something that should make a comeback and there is an old Nazi in Rome who would make an ideal target.

(Whoops upset the Catholics now, well that's my birthday present to myself).

Finally, in this super sized birthday blog - on this day in 1991, Freddie Mercury died.

But the show must go on - and who wants to live forever....I do!

And that's a fact!!!!!

The View from the Hill on Monday 23rd November

It's going to be a long day, I can say no more at this time but hopefully there will be news to report soon.

It has not been confirmed but my sources (the BBC) are reporting that Katie Price has left the jungle! I wonder if she got the closure she sought or perhaps she now realises that people voted for her to do all the challenges because she is detested. Team Peter wins this exchange.

Even though I tell myself that I shouldn't enjoy the show, I get pulled deeper and deeper in, the relationship between Kim and Joe looks interesting and I'm glad George is saved from the first vote off.

Apparently Gino will be investigated by the Animal Cruelty people over his killing and cooking a rat! They let the celebs munch their way through insects, but rat should be accorded more dignity. If I was hungry I would have eaten the bloody rat.

I had to watch Songs of Praise last night, it was from Darwin's birthplace and they managed to make him sound like a really decent Christian, misunderstood, and they lined up all these scientists to say that god created science so you can believe in god and science, totally sensible position that you have to accept without proof...oh dear.

Anyway, must hurry, things to do,things to do, my loves.

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On this day in 1963, Dr Who was first broadcast on UK TV. The longest running sci fi show in tv history. From William Hartnell to David Tennant, we have had 46 years of brilliant television ( I am not including Sylvester McCoy, I slept through those episodes).

Of course the new Dr makes his appearance soon, Matt Smith will take over the Tardis from David Tennant in a story line involving the OOd. I can reveal exclusively that the plot revolves around a giant pot on a planet called Tiefoo. Boiling water is being diverted into the pot and it is making the OOd develop into their full potential - hence the saying you only get a OOd with Tiefoo.

And that's a fact!

The View from the Hill on Sunday 22nd November

In the past year, Mrs B and I have been to London several times to see shows, always musicals, but yesterday, along with good friends TinTin and Chris, we went to see Inherit The Wind at The Old Vic.

First of all, what a beautiful theatre, what a stage and what a brilliant production. The acting was top notch, Kevin Spacey and David Troughton leading the charge, but being followed closely by the ensemble.

The play is about the trial of a teacher in 1920's America, accused of teaching Darwin as opposed to creationism - the play had many themes which still seem true for modern America!

I hardly ever think about living in London, but to have that theatre on your doorstep, and that sort of performance, well perhaps I should start saving?

I do have to say one thing about Kevin Spacey's performance - he was able to play an old man very well but there were times when he seemed to be channeling Henry Fonda, the tone of his voice, the inflection, it was like Fonda was on stage. In hindsight, it would have been a role that Fonda would have played well and with Spacey's well known ability to mimic, I'm not surprised her drew on one of the greats to augment his own prodigious skill.

The whole thing was worth every penny and to top it off we sat just behind Una Stubbs!

Now seriously thinking about booking to see Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.

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On this day in 1859, a book called Origin of the Species by Charles Darwin went on sale to bookshop owners in London, it sold out and would appear on the shelves a few days later - it was the start of a debate which rages right through to today and I think someone ought to write a play about it...wait a minute....well what a coincidence!

And that's a fact!